17: honeyed

Nila avoided Sanjay. She was well aware that he was trying to get her attention. When she walked into the classroom with Maya and Lilly, she could read the question in his eyes. Did you tell them? Did you tell them about our conversation last night? But she didn't give him an answer. Sanjay acted like an idiot but he was a smart man. He knew when someone didn't want to talk to him. But that didn't stop him from trying to make his presence known. He'd drop the books on his desk loudly, drag his feet when he entered the classroom and glance at her while talking to Maya as if he wished it was her he was talking to.

"Did you guys fight?" Lilly asked, sliding into the seat next to hers with her box of papaya cut into cubes. She speared it with a toothpick and popped it in her mouth.

"Yeah. It's not a big deal. It'll sort itself out."

"Seeing that you're not trying to fix it, Sanjay must have fucked up big time," she said. "Tell us if you want us to intervene, call a meeting and confront him. We haven't had that in so long. The last time was when Maya and Sanjay fought that day, right? They didn't talk for two weeks. I hated those weeks."

Nila agreed, remembering that time. It had been over a silly thing but something Maya said had made Sanjay shut down completely and withdraw from her. Maya let her pride dictate her and assumed he hated her. She decided she didn't want to fix things with someone who hated her and gave up on their friendship. If Lilly and Nila hadn't intervened, the group would've split because of them.

Sanjay and Nila have had their arguments but it usually got resolved. It just took some time. Nila wanted Sanjay to stew over what happened over the call and let him realise how wrong he'd been. She wanted him to put in a little more effort in asking for forgiveness than what he put when he let his words loose. "So," Nila turned to Lilly, "what is going on with you? Last I heard, there was a guy named Prem."

Lilly grimaced. "Prem. Ugh, he was a pretentious brat. He hadn't grown into a man yet. I found the bouncer with his minimal grunts and silence more interesting."

"That bad eh?"

"Oh, you don't know the half of it. He went on and on, spinning wild lies about how he jumped off a cliff, almost drowned in the sea and how he got caught by the police one day because of a drunk dare. Apparently, he's a free soul who doesn't give a shit about rules but flees the bar when he gets a call from his father to be home by 9 pm."

Nila chuckled. "I don't know how you end up meeting these boys."

"Don't even start," she said, poking in another cube of the orange fruit. Her red-chequered shirt tightened around her arms when she lifted the toothpick to her mouth. "Lucky you. You didn't even have to chase. Pretty boy came and fell into your lap, obsessed and heaven-struck."

Nila blushed. "It's not like that," she said but the words had the impact of soft clay against steel. There was a moment of silence and then she continued, "I like what we have — this nameless thing. Honestly, I don't know what I'm doing here. My parents will kill me if they find out I'm falling for a guy. You know what happened to my sister, right? This has no future at all. Vijay and I will never work out. But I don't want to give him up just like that because I'm scared. He's worth so much more. He's worth the fight. I know that, of course, but I don't know if I have the strength to fight my parents. It's the one thing I despise the most. So, I'm just... confused. Every day I think about it and the only conclusion I come to is letting it be as it is. Go with a flow without putting a name on it."

"But let me guess, you want to label it so bad?"

Nila hid her face in the desk and murmured, barely audible, "I want to call him mine. I dream of calling him mine."

Lilly turned around to glance at Maya, who had her one hand pinning Sanjay's head onto the desk to keep him from distracting her and the other holding her book. "If Maya heard what you said, she'll have a heart attack. That's the most romantic shit I've heard leaving your mouth."

Nila blushed. "I mean, if you think about it, it's only fair to him. I've been leading him on and giving him hope for something in the future for us — not explicitly but it's obvious enough, you know. I can't imagine brushing him off if he ever confesses to me. I can never say no to Vijay."

"Then don't." Lilly faced her completely and looked her dead in the eye. "You deserve the world, Nila. You are always so harsh on yourself because of your parents. Make some mistakes, break some rules. Love Vijay until your heart feels like it will fucking combust. Let yourself be spoiled rotten with all the love he can give you. If he breaks your heart, make him stitch you back up. Have some good fucking sex. Kiss till you bleed. Live as you wish. Take all that the world has to offer. It's your life, not your parents'."

Nila sighed. "Don't you think I wish the same? But I can't. It's like there's something fundamentally wrong with me. Or maybe I am too careful to ensure there isn't and that's the problem. That's why I'm always envious of you for living the way you live life."

Lilly pulled her into a hug and smelled like fruit. "You've just got to take the first step, babe. Take it with Vijay."

Nila pulled away with a sad smile. "Maybe. I'll see. Sorry it got so deep today. I guess you'll be hearing about Vijay for a while."

"Please. It's fine. For once, I'd like to listen to you all rant about your lives rather than hearing myself go on and on about mine. I've decided not to date for a while. I want to focus on my friendships, my career and my family. I want to love myself more," Lilly said. When she said that, she looked so happy. Nila was glad she had finally moved on from Ana. She had found her way back again. With time.

And maybe with time, she'd find hers too.

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Nila could hear footsteps behind her and she could tell it was Sanjay. He was following her to the bus stop where Vijay said he'd meet her. He was quiet, made no attempt to talk to her. His unnatural silence tricked her into spinning around and facing him with crossed arms. "What do you want?"

"I want to talk to you. Can I?" Sanjay, not missing a beat. He knew his silence would unsettle her and break her conviction to stay mad at him. She hated that he read her so well.

Nila nodded, her fingers hooking through the straps of her tote bag. "I'll hear you out if you promise you'll not act like an ass."

"You know I can't promise you that. That's kind of my default setting, if you have forgotten," he said so seriously that it made her lips twitch. She faced the other side. "But I'll try."

"Go on."

He took a step closer and his voice dropped low, heavy with guilt. "Last night... was a big fuck-up on my end. I didn't mean to yell at you like that. I was so angry, Nila. My body shook with rage when you told me what happened and I couldn't think straight. I was blind. All I could see was red. I let it take control over me and I let myself take it out on you. You supporting that guy of yours made it worse, making it very difficult to comprehend sense. Only when you yelled at me and hung up, I realised how I didn't even ask you how you were feeling and if you were okay. I was so inconsiderate and acted like the opposite of a friend. But by the time I realised it, it was too late. I had already hurt you. I feel like the shittiest person on the planet – if that makes you feel better, Nila."

"You feeling shitty has nothing to do with making me feel better," Nila cut through.

"I know. I just want you to know I'm suffering. I'm hurting because I hurt my best friend. I feel bad. I feel horrible. I can't believe I let myself do that. I'm so fucking sorry, Nila. I don't know what else to say. I'll do anything to make it up to you. I'll do anything to earn your forgiveness. I'm sorry, babe," he said. Nila studied him. Sanjay stood with his black backpack lazily hanging on his slumped shoulders, his hair messy as if he had tugged the strands like he usually did when he lost a game, his eyes sincere and pained. There was not a sight of his usual playfulness or that cheeky smile.

He took her hand. "I miss you, Nila," he said, meeting her eyes. "I miss talking to you. Please don't let me suffer more."

Sanjay rarely said these things. He was the one to lighten a conversation and ease the tension in the air. He didn't use words that were heavy with meaning and sentiment. Dancing around it and mixing it with harmless humour was more his style.

"Fine. I'll forgive you this time," she said, giving in. Nila missed him too. Relief and a bit of joy swept over his face, making her raise her index finger between them and say, "If you do it again, I promise you I'll be mad at you for longer. No matter how much you beg me."

"If, right? I'll make sure that If doesn't come by," he said, grinning. "God, I missed you so much, Nila. I didn't realise how big a part of my life you are until now. I promise I'll not fuck it up."

"Don't make promises you can't keep," she said, but she meant it in a teasing way. Sanjay tried to pull her into a hug but she slapped his chest. "What are you doing? There are so many people out here," she hissed.

"Can't I give my best friend a hug? We just made up!" he argued.

Someone cleared their throat and Nila whirled around at the sound. Vijay was standing next to her, in his light blue crew neck and crisp jeans, the bottom hem lined with brown dirt. She smiled and stepped forward towards him. "You came? I didn't even notice the bus."

"Both of you were talking so I didn't want to intrude. I was waiting for you to be done," Vijay said. His eyes flickered towards Sanjay for a second but quickly returned to her face.

"Sanjay, this is Vijay. And Vijay, this is Sanjay," Nila made the introductions. Though the men smiled, there was a wall of tension that could only be hammered down. It made Nila feel uneasy, making her wonder how she can make it better.

Thankfully, Sanjay stepped up. "Ah, the famous Vijay. You're all that Nila talks about—"

"Sanjay!" Nila elbowed him sharply making him coil back with a laugh. She gave him a stern look. Shut your damn mouth. When she looked back at Vijay, she noticed his eyes moving from Sanjay's hand holding her wrist to her eyes, immediately putting on a smile for her. Usually, Vijay was the one to make conversation but this time he was silent, only making himself shown with his smiles. She didn't like it.

"Okay, bye," she told Sanjay.

"Wait, how are you going back?"

"I am taking her home," Vijay answered in her stead. He sounded polite and sweet but there was something behind that sweetness. Something bitter.

Sanjay's face changed. "Oh. Um, I can also drop you off at your apartment, Nila. It must be difficult for Vijay to come all the way here and go back. I have a bike."

Vijay tensed visibly like Sanjay's words struck a nerve. He wasn't trying to hide it anymore. "Sanjay, you have to pick your mother from the hospital, did you forget? You'll be late if you drop me and then go to her. You don't have to offer just because you feel the need to make it up to me. Everything is okay between us. Besides, it's only a few days. I'll be able to take the bus soon. You don't have to worry," she said, inching closer to Vijay. She placed a comforting palm over his shoulders and squeezed. Vijay seemed to relax but not much.

"Okay. But if you ever need me to drop you off any day, you can always ask," Sanjay said.

Nila smiled. "Yes, of course! Now, go. It's already late. Don't keep your mother waiting. No one likes to stay at their workplace for longer than necessary."

"Bye. Bye, Vijay. Nice meeting you, man," Sanjay said, waving at them and tracing his path back to the parking lot.

"Yeah, you too," Vijay said. The way he reacted with Sanjay didn't seem like possessiveness or jealousy. It was something more. It was something that ran deeper.

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"What happened before I came?" Vijay finally asked, as he took Nila's bag from her shoulders and put it around his. He did it so casually as if it didn't make Nila's heart pool into a pathetic puddle.

"With Sanjay? It's a long story," she said, screening the auto that was slowing down next to them and matching it with the number on the app on her phone. "That's our ride. Come on."

They got in and Nila recited the OTP to the driver, before leaning back and looking at Vijay. "Tell me what happened. We have time," he said, his eyes distant as if there were a million things running on his mind that he didn't want to divulge.

Nila took a deep breath and told him what happened on the call with Sanjay and how they had sorted it out now and that there was nothing to worry about. Vijay was silent for a moment or so before finally saying, "He wasn't wrong, you know. I should've been there next to you. I can't believe I let it happ—"

"Don't finish that sentence if you value what we have between us. What happened that day is not anyone's fault except the one who harassed me. Don't try to be a hero and take responsibility for things you aren't responsible for," Nila told strictly. She was tired of these men trying to play saviours in their own crooked ways. She just needed a comforting ear and a shoulder to lean on.

"Silver—" Vijay started as if he had more to say.

"I don't want to discuss it over and over again," she said.

"Alright, I'm sorry. I will never bring it up again." Vijay's words held a sense of finality that made her take a sigh of relief. A few minutes passed and something felt off. Like the air around them wasn't sweet and buttery like it always was. It now held a tinge of sourness to it. She found tense lines on Vijay's face and unusual silence.

"There's something else bothering you."

"No, nothing," he said, forcing a smile. He was doing a pathetic job at veiling his true emotions.

"Vijay, let's make a deal. Can we be honest with each other from now on? No matter how bitter or harsh the truth can be?" she asked.

"I am always honest with you," he said.

"No, now you're not. Tell me what's on your mind. Please." She took his pinky and tugged at it.

He sighed. "It's about your best friend."

"You don't like him."

Vijay ran a hand through his hair and looked to the other side. "It's not that I don't like him. I don't know him enough to not like him. I just..."

"Tell me," she nudged, inching closer to him.

"Are we the same to you? Sanjay and me?" he said, not meeting her eyes. She could tell he'd rather be doing anything than have this conversation with her but he was pushing himself to do it. "I'm not asking you to choose or anything. I will never ask you to do that. I just want to know—"

"If you are special to me?"

Vijay met her eyes. "Yeah," he said finally. "I saw you holding hands with him and there was nothing about it that didn't seem effortless. It was like something you do everyday. And it looked like if both of you weren't at the bus stop, he would have hugged you."

The truth was that Vijay was right. Sanjay had been the only man she was comfortable with before Vijay. She was close to him, so close that they were mistaken as a couple all the time. Sanjay was a hugger and she was too so hugs were common between them. It never seemed like a big deal because the boundaries between them were set in stone. They didn't perceive each other romantically at all.

"Sanjay and you don't hold the same place in my heart. You mean something different and he means something different. There's no room for comparison between both of you. Okay?" she said.

He sighed and leaned back. "I know you'll say something like this. I am just an insecure idiot, I guess. I can't get over it. I mean, I know you've known him longer than me —"

"But he doesn't save me a seat on the bus everyday."

"And you study in the same college—"

"That doesn't mean I talk to him more than you. He's not the one on the phone with me until I fall asleep every night."

Vijay opened his mouth to say something but Nila shushed him with her finger on his lips. "Just shut up. You know you are losing this argument. And you know you are special to me. You just want to hear me say it."

Colour rose to his cheeks and he looked away for a second before turning back to her. He wanted reassurance. He wanted it spelled out for him. Nila's heart warmed at that. She glanced at him and smiled softly when he wasn't looking. How did he get more attractive by day? Nila couldn't comprehend it.

"Okay, fine. I won't bring this up again either," he said but he wasn't entirely as convinced as he wanted to be.

"Good." Her blue apartment stood out at the corner of the street and Nila asked the driver to stop a few blocks before. She paid the driver. Vijay was so distracted that he didn't even register that they had stopped in front of some random house and not at her apartment.

When she started to walk forward, he frowned and finally asked, "Why didn't you just get dropped at your apartment? Why walk all the way there?"

"The security will be downstairs at this time. He'll ask too many questions if I show up with a guy."

His face fell. "Now I can't even walk you home?"

"You're coming with me all the way till here, aren't you?" she suggested. It didn't help. That adorable boyish pout on his face was lingered. She just wanted to hug him so —

Acting on her impulses, she circled her fingers around his wrist and pulled him into the small dark alleyway on the left. "Nila what—"

She rose a little on her toes and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, burying her face in the crook of his neck, making a low hmph slip out of Vijay's lips. Nila backed him against the wall, pressing herself closer to him and holding him tight. She closed her eyes when Vijay's surprised gasp hit her ears and his warm breath caressed her shoulders. Slowly, he wound his arms around her, gripping her waist and hiding his face in the soft skin above her collarbone.

"Silver," he breathed out, tightening his grip, almost lifting her off the ground. He smelled incredible, just like him. Nila didn't know how to explain it. It was the smell of him, the smell of Vijay, so masculine and addicting and delicious. She inhaled it, closing her eyes and feeling their heartbeats sync like honeyed prose that rhymed. His shirt was soft under her grip, crinkling when she clawed it for purchase.

"I don't give hugs like this to anyone else — this kind of hug that never feels close enough, the hug that makes me forget to breathe and the hug that I wish would last forever. No one but you," Nila whispered into his skin. "So, you better start believing you are special to me, Vijay. I'm ready to give you more of these until you grow sick of them if that's what it takes you to believe."

"That makes me want to take a risk and not believe you, silver," he whispered back, his arms around her waist coiling stronger and feeling her body fit in his arms perfectly. "Fuck, I could be here forever. I think you made an addict out of me already."

She smirked. "Maybe you're just weak."

He turned his head to the side but she couldn't exactly tell if he pressed a kiss to her shoulder or not. He pulled away just a little, enough to push her hair away and say, "Maybe I'm just weak for you."

She ignored the way her heart thundered against her ribs and how blood rushed all over her body, making her grow hot. "Good luck for tomorrow. I am sure you'll win," she murmured instead, her words resonating against his skin. She didn't want to let go of him. His warmth was somehow everything. Everything she wanted to hold on to. She wanted to keep him hostage.

Vijay let slip a crisp laugh that strummed her heart, harmonising with the love ballad that was him and him alone.

"I already won, silver."

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