29: cruelty

"Is something wrong?"

Nila registered Vijay's voice only belatedly and that caused his frown lines to deepen. No, everything was wrong. This was the definition of chaos. This was a gigantic mess. I hate this, I hate this world! She wanted nothing more than to scream it. And if Nila had the liberty to be honest, she would stop swallowing down the nausea trying to take over her and run to the bathroom. Then, she would shamelessly bawl her eyes out and throw a tantrum in front of Vijay's family and tell them how their lives have been twisted, in the worst possible way. Then, Nila would flee.

Maybe she would have considered doing the above, her good impression be damned, if not for the tired black eyes of Vijay looking at her, reminding her of what he had just been through. She couldn't possibly comment on anything right now as she knew well that it would mean ripping his heart out.

This was simply not the right time to do anything with the cursed piece of information.

This was not the right time to even think about it or attempt to process it. It was too much.

"No, nothing is wrong," she said, forcing a smile and turning to him. "When is uncle coming home?"

"He'll be here soon," he said but his watchful eyes didn't lose the concern. Nevertheless, he took her hand and led her to his room. If this had been the Nila before ten minutes, she would have had her mind go haywire at her being inside Vijay's room for the first time. A person's room was an intimate piece of them. She'd always believed that. Even though she'd thought she knew Vijay in and out, it was now that she realised that she had not even scratched the surface. It was her confidence and her gut feeling dictating her to believe that she would love the man to bits, no matter who he was underneath.

Because of the new information she'd learnt, nothing elicited the usual reactions out of her. She felt numb when she entered Vijay's room and took in the soft cream walls, the damp towel hanging off his work chair, his medals gently dancing to the light breeze coming from the window and the Rajinikanth posters on the wall along with Lana Del Ray and Sabrina Carpenter lyric art.

"You listen to Sabrina?" she asked, surprised. Honestly, the range of his favourite media culture blew her mind. She knew he was a crazy fan of Rajinikanth but his taste in pop music came as a comforting surprise.

"Yeah. Farah made me listen a year back," he said, rubbing the nape of his neck. "I think she's cute."

Her eyes narrowed. "You think she's cute?"

"Okay, I think she's hot."

"So, you like petite women," she said, rubbing her chin.

He elbowed her. "Stop psychoanalyzing me."

A long minute of silence settled between them.

And then suddenly, Vijay was pulling her into his arms, his arms wrapped tight and head buried in her neck. "I miss him, silver," he said, his voice sounding pained as if it was torture to even talk about it.

"I know," she whispered, wrapping her arms around him and caressing his hair. But in real, tears were choking her, making it unable to breathe. She was suffocating under the weight of their reality. She hated how cruel and merciless it was. "I am so proud of you for being so strong. But you should know that sometimes it's okay to be vulnerable."

Vijay released a choked sob and held her tighter even though it wasn't physically possible. They were pressed together, their anguished hearts beating in sync, as if crying out the same call for help.

Nila felt like she'd been shot at different places and all of them burst open an artery at the same time, spilling blood and drowning out her screams. Her heart ached for Vijay, for her sister, for Vijay's family and for her – for the future she'd dreamed of with Vijay. But she couldn't focus on herself now.

Vijay needed her.

Vijay was her priority.

She shoved her thoughts aside and held Vijay closer as he broke into sobs. Nila patted his back in comfort, feeling like someone had strapped a steel brick onto her chest. The door creaked open and Nila saw Vijay's mother look at them. When she watched Vijay shake in Nila's arms, his cries becoming louder, his mother placed her palm on her mouth to muffle her own sob. She gave Nila a grateful look and rushed out as if she couldn't bear watching her son in pain.

"I don't know if Amma told you but it was because of me he died," Vijay managed to say between sobs.

"She didn't tell me that because it's not the truth, Vijay."

Vijay shook his head, rubbing his tears on her shirt. "You don't understand. I killed him, silver. I was too distracted, worrying about him and his health but I ended up killing him instead. I am a murderer."

"No, you aren't," she said and pulled away. Nila took his face in her hands, her thumbs wiping his tears slowly. "Look at me. You aren't a murderer. You aren't responsible for your brother's death. You aren't the reason. You understand? Tell me you understand."

Vijay simply shook his head and rested his forehead against her shoulders and trembled. "He didn't deserve it. It should've been me."

Nila knew this wasn't going to work with Vijay. What he needed wasn't consolation.

"How dare you?" she snapped, making Vijay glance up. "How dare you wish that you were dead instead? How can you be so cruel?"

His eyes reflected something else other than pain. "Silver, I didn't mean---"

"I know what you meant. You wish you didn't exist. Because you think Nishanth is a better person than you. Isn't it right?"

His head hung low. "It's true. He is a better person," he murmured.

"I don't care if it was the truth. I won't accept it. I am devasted that you lost your brother but if you wish for anything then it should be that both of you are alive. Not one over the other. I honestly can't believe you said that." Nila's eyes teared up and Vijay seemed to regret his words.

"I'm sorry, silver. I didn't think---"

"Of course, you didn't! You don't think sometimes, Vijay. And that's why you don't realise that no one is blaming you for your brother's death except you. You didn't know what to do with his loss that you began immersing yourself in guilt and anger rather than grieving him. I don't know your brother but I'm sure he would've been pretty pissed at you for taking accountability of things out of your control. You should know better than that."

Vijay was silent, his tears a never-ending stream.

She cradled his face. "I will allow you to grieve him. Cry however long you want, miss him terribly, think of him and the fond memories you shared with him, wish desperately that he was alive and I'll be there right beside you. But I will never allow you to blame yourself, you understand?"

Vijay nodded after a long moment of silence, his gaze low.

Nila pulled him into her arms again. She kissed his temple. "I love you. Your family loves you. You can lean on us. You can show us your pain, okay?"

He nodded into her shoulder. His sobs receded slowly and Nila carded his hair. "How are you feeling?" she asked.

"It hurts, silver."

Nila smiled sadly. "You've only just acknowledged it. It will get better with time. I promise."

Nila's thoughts wandered to her sister. Did she know Nishanth was no more? She had never mentioned it to her even once. But if she knew, was she hurting too? Or had time soothed the pain already?

So many unanswered questions and unaddressed feelings. It felt like someone was tearing her mind apart with their bare hands.

"You'll never leave me, right, silver?" Vijay asked.

Nila swiped a thumb under his eyes. "Yes."

This time she was the one who rested her cheek against his chest, not because she needed him to hold her desperately but because she couldn't look him in the eye. A tear slipped across her cheek as he wrapped his arms around her.

She felt like she had already betrayed Vijay.

Because he hadn't noticed her moment of hesitation before she answered his question.

And it broke her heart.

━━━━━━━━━━━━

Vijay's mother had been determined to feed her as if the food she made was somehow all she could give in thanks to her for helping her son. Vijay was silent during the entire time they ate and his mother kept the conversation alive, fearing the silence to be a volatile catalyst for something they didn't want to bring to the table just yet. Mr Visvesh, Vijay's father, had joined them in the middle of dinner, surprised to see Nila dining with them. He had heartily initiated conversation, even pulling Vijay's leg, but he received no engagement from his son. He had taken a while to read the room but once he did, he quietened.

The dinner was a little awkward after that but it didn't affect her as much as it should have. She was busy swallowing down her thoughts along with the food.

After dinner, Nila stood up. "It's getting late. I should go," she told Vijay's parents.

"You're welcome to stay the night. We have a spare room," Vijay's mother told her, shocking her. Vijay also shared the reaction.

Nila shook her head. "No, aunty. I have my internship tomorrow. I have to go. Thanks for offering me, though. And thank you for the food, aunty. I'll leave now."

She had to get out of here. She couldn't hide her emotions from them. Her composure was cracking, splitting her open from the inside.

"Wait," Vijay's mother disappeared into the kitchen and gave her a small glass jar. "Prawn pickle. It's Vijay's favourite. I thought you might like it as well."

"Thank you, aunty," she said, her voice trembling. She bit her lips. Nila suddenly wanted to cry at everything. She didn't know why.

"No, I should thank you," she said, hugging her. She smelled like smoked coriander and a hint of talcum powder, strangely comforting. "Come visit us often."

"Wait, how are you going home?" Vijay asked.

"I'll take the bus."

"No." Both Vijay and his father chorused. It was said with the same strict finality that Nila didn't bother arguing with them.

"Um, I'll take an auto then." She pulled out her phone to book one.

Mr Visvesh rubbed his chin. "No, that's not safe either. It's quite late. You can't go alone."

She turned to Vijay for help. He knew that Nila had no problem travelling alone at night. But he took his father's side this time.

"I'll drop you home," Vijay's father said.

"Aiyoo, uncle, please don't trouble yourse—"

"It's no trouble. Give me a minute, I'll change and grab my keys." With that, he left to his room.

"Vijay..." Nila protested.

"He's right. I wish I could be the one to drop you but at least you'll go home safe," he said, a distant look in his face. He was again thinking about the accident.

She squeezed his hand. "It's okay."

When Vijay's father reversed his bike from the portico, she said goodbye to Vijay and his mother. For a while, the ride back was silent. Vijay's father was a careful driver and didn't speed much or take risks.

"Shantha told me what happened. Thank you for getting through to Vijay," he said. "It means a lot to us."

Something broke free inside her. She had tried so hard to keep a leash on her feelings but Nila couldn't hold in her tears any longer. Vijay's parents were so kind and every bit of care they spared for had been like soft pebbles against tightly shut window panes. What once had been cracks, became a gaping hole like the one she felt in her heart.

She cried aloud.

"Nila? What happened?" he asked, hearing her sobs.

"I can't do-do this anymore," she sniffled. "It's so unfair. I can't—"

Mr Visvesh slowed the bike and parked it by the side. He got down and asked her with gentle eyes, "What's going on, Nila?"

Nila hid her face in her hands and sobbed, her shoulders shaking. Nishanth's face flashed in her head, his kind smile and how his affection shone through his teasing eyes and his gentle voice. With some people, you could tell they were good people with just a glance. Nishanth was such a person.

The world had snatched him away too soon.

"Nishanth---" she hiccupped.

"What about Nishanth?"

"I've seen him before."

Vijay's father was confused. "Calm down, Nila. I don't understand what you're saying. Calm down and talk to me. There is no rush."

She shook her head, wiping tears in her sleeve. Then she looked at him and said, "My sister's name is Kayal."

His eyes slowly widened with realisation and the meaning behind the words settled in. "Kayal? The same Kayal who was... she's your sister?"

Nila nodded, eyes brimming with tears again.

"I don't know what to do now, uncle. I really don't know what to do. I don't know if my sister knows about him. And if she knew, I don't know how she dealt with the loss or if she's hurting like Vijay is. And what about Vijay and me? If my parents knew--- what about us? What is going to happen to us? If anyone could be blamed for Nishanth's death, it should be my parents. They drove both my sister and Nishanth to their limits. They tore apart their lives and---and Nishanth had—oh god, I don't know what I am supposed to do. I don't want to lose Vijay but—but--"

Vijay's father placed a hand on her shoulder. "Nila, breathe for me. You need to breathe."

"But--- I'm hurting. I'm hurting so much," she cried, clutching her chest. He put his arm around her so that she leaned her head on his torso. He slowly patted her back.

"It'll be okay, Nila," he said but his words were faint, strengthless. He was also shocked and couldn't comprehend the cruelty of the smallness of the world. "It'll be okay."

Nila cried and cried, letting the tears fall to the ground until her head ached and her body grew tired. She was spent--- emotionally and physically. She just wanted to forget everything and sleep it off and wake up realising this was all a bad dream.

"Does he know?" he asked.

"No. I couldn't bring myself to tell him," she said, biting her lips.

"Okay. That was a good call."

"But I eventually should. I don't want to hide anything from him."

"Yes, you should. But I also think you should take some time to yourself, Nila. This is a big thing to wrap your head around. It is overwhelming even for an old man like me who's seen the bad pieces of the world up close. Even though you call yourself adults, you are just a child in my eyes and I can't imagine how hard it must be for you. Holding it back all this time, keeping it to yourself to protect Vijay--- it takes a lot of strength to do that, Nila. I don't know how you didn't immediately break down after learning about it. Don't burden yourself too much with it, okay?" he said, patting her head.

She nodded slowly and then glanced up at him. "Do you have any advice for me, uncle?"

He smiled sadly. "I wish I had something to offer but it should be completely your decision to choose how to handle it. I know you'll make the right decision. You're a clever girl. However, I'd like to say one thing. Don't resort to lies. It complicates things and one day it will reveal itself in a time you wouldn't have control over. Wield the truth when you still have control over it. That way it would hurt less."

She nodded.

"I promise you I'll keep this a secret. For now, just focus on resting when I drop you home. You can think about it later."

"Thank you, uncle."

After that, Vijay's father drove her back to her flat in pondering silence.

And as soon as she laid on her bed, she fell asleep right away.

━━━━━━━━━━━━