30: crashing

If someone watched Nila from the outside, they would assume she was a hardworking student who was exhausted from work. Only she knew that she was crumbling on the inside. And to keep her from focusing on the fragments chipping away from her sane mind, she grappled with work and more work. It's been five days since Nila came to know about her pre-existing connection with Vijay and his family. Instead of that answering her non-existent questions, it only gave rise to more uncomfortable questions. She wanted to gather her strength and face them head-on, but when she heard her sister's voice or Vijay's, her resolve shattered. She wanted to protect them as much as she could from the little piece of information and by hiding it, Nila thought she was achieving the goal. But sometimes, she wondered if she was causing more damage instead.

How long was she going to hide it from them? How long was she going to hide from this?

Whenever she thought about these questions, guilt nagged at her. Both of them had the right to know but she wished she wasn't the one to break it to them. She wished she could be on the oblivious receiving end and have the liberty of reacting to the news spontaneously. But that was also incredibly selfish of her.

Another major thing that was making her feel uneasy was that the blind hope she had for her and Vijay's future had been destroyed into pieces. The fact that her parents had been so opposed to her sister marrying into Vijay's family for some reason and having watched her sister go through so much manipulation and threatening to let go of the one person she loved --- it made her hands tremble in fear. She would never wish that sort of heartbreak and pain on anyone and especially not on Vijay. She wondered if ending this relationship now would be a better option than prolonging it and then having it snatched away from her permanently. She never wanted to let go of Vijay but by doing that if she could save him some pain, then she had to. It was the least she could do for being the reason their relationship wouldn't work out.

"Can you move to the side, please?" someone asked, breaking her thoughts. A middle-aged woman towered over her with her little son clinging to her knees. Nila scooted towards the right, making space. The mother sat the kid down.

Nila smiled at the kid but the kid turned his attention to the toy car in his hand.

Huh.

It seemed like the whole world was poised on making her feel shitty.

The metro was packed during this time because it was when everyone got off work. But the metro was better than the bus – it was clean, it was air-conditioned and there were coaches for women only. She felt much safer and comfortable here. She unlocked her phone to look at the time.

"Oh, you're married?" The middle-aged woman asked. As she was standing in front of her, she had a good view of Nila's phone.

"Um, no," Nila said, slipping her phone into her bag. First of all, it was rude to spy on other's phones and second, it was downright nasty if you chose to question them about it. This woman was smiling, still waiting for her reply as if she wasn't aware of basic decorum. Nila sighed, "It's my boyfriend."

The woman grinned at that. "How cute. Both of you look so good together. Are you living together?"

"Uh..." Nila's mind went blank. Wasn't this rude? Could anybody inform the woman that it was rude to pry on a stranger's personal life?

"So, you are. My husband and I also used to live---"

"No. We are not. I mean, living together," Nila clarified. It was easy to misunderstand it because her wallpaper was the picture Tanvi clicked of them when they'd fallen asleep on the sofa. Vijay was sound asleep, his soft hair messed up over the little quilted pillow. Nila was snug in his arms, her head on his chest with the happiest smile on her face. When Tanvi had sent it to her after the wedding, Nila had stared at the picture for hours long like a creep because she didn't think her smile had ever been this happy in her pictures. She couldn't stop looking at it because it looked like it was stolen from Pinterest.

And even though she never was one to keep people's pictures as her wallpaper, she'd relented to her obsession with the picture and swapped it with the one of the many moons that Vijay had captured and sent to her.

"Do you love him?" the woman asked.

"Yes," Nila murmured. "Yes, I do. A lot, actually."

The woman smiled. "Do you plan on getting married to him?"

Nila's heart ached. "I want to."

But I don't know if I will.

"Then you will. I can see that you love this person so much. It reminds me of how I am around my husband. He's a grump sometimes and kind of a workaholic but when he sees me, he changes into a completely different person. No one else will understand if you tell them. It's like it's our little secret."

"Um, can I ask you something?" Nila said. She couldn't believe she was asking advice to a random woman on the metro but apart from the initial breach of privacy—which might have come from a place of nostalgia than curiosity—she seemed to be a kind person. "What if you were pretty sure that both of your relationship doesn't have a future? What if you know it won't work out? But you still love them so much. What will you do?"

The woman smiled as if she knew exactly what Nila was talking about. Her bangs made her look like a college student and the brick red highlights on her hair made her look even younger. "You remind me of me, actually. I used to think that about my husband and I before we got together. Even though I was so in love with him, I couldn't tell him. So, I denied myself. I refused to show him that I love him. But one day, he began the conversation. And I told him it wouldn't happen between us. I stated so many reasons but he gave me a solution for every complain of mine. It gave me a different perspective that I never considered because I was so blind-sided by my worries. He promised me that he'll stay by my side no matter the odds. And he's never gone back on his words, not even once.

"What I'm trying to say is, if you are questioning your relationship's future all by yourself, you will just be doing that forever and miss out on something good. In a relationship, you have to voice it out to the other person. And if the boy loves you anything like my husband loves me, he'll change your perspective. He'll give you reasons you will work out. He'll try to do anything to keep you and if he is someone you can trust to keep his word, don't ever let him go. Sometimes, all you need is some strength to face the hard facts in front of you and he'll give you that."

Nila found her words giving her hope but she wasn't able to accept it entirely. Not every relationship had a happy ending like this woman's. And with her rotten luck in life, things were always meant to go crashing down. "Thank you."

She looked at her with gentle concern. "It's hard but you should go talk to him. Men are total assholes but sometimes they prove they do in fact have a brain. Don't underestimate him completely."

"Thank you."

"Oh, right. My stop's here. Nice meeting you. I hope everything works out for you," the woman said then stretched her hand out to her son. "Come on, Ju. Let's hope your father isn't home yet so he doesn't know about her little trip to the fair."

The kid hopped down and took his mother's hand. But before walking away, he surprised her by pressing the toy car in her hands. "Have," he said in his adorable baby voice. "No cry."

Nila bit her lip. Her eyes watered. Was it so evident on her face that she was upset? "No, you keep it. You seemed to love playing with it," she managed, trying to return it.

But he shook his head and grinned like a naughty troublemaker. The mother patted his head and smiled at her. "Keep it. It's a gift from him. His father has plenty of money to buy him another one anyway. He thinks you need this more than him."

"Thank you. I'll treasure it," Nila said and she watched them leave. The whole interaction was so weird but strangely comforting. She turned the toy in her hands and saw the red print on the side of the car. Super Flash.

A smile crept up on her face.

Vijay would love this toy.

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For the past five days, something felt off about Nila. She was talking to him every day, laughing on the phone, scolding him when he flirted too much, even sending him many kisses on the call but something was amiss. He couldn't pinpoint it. It's like the air had changed. He wondered if it was because of his panic attack. Was she treating him differently because of it? Looking at him through another lens? But even when Vijay spoke about the attack and his grief to Nila, she listened patiently and was the kind adorable Nila that he loved with every inch of his fucking soul.

He asked Farah and Krish and they told he might be overthinking it. Besides, she also had her internship to focus on. It made sense but he wasn't convinced.

Vijay could tell something was bothering her. She wasn't doing a spectacular job of hiding it as she thought she was. Vijay had tried asking her but she shut him off quickly. That raised his suspicions even more. He had to ask her again.

With these thoughts in his head, Vijay came home after practice. He sat down on the dining table after washing his hands but his mother chased him away and told him never to step near the food unless he'd taken a shower. He rolled his eyes and taken a quick shower, coming back to find hot Idlis and steaming chicken curry.

His mouth watered.

"What's the occasion?" he asked, digging into his food.

"Nothing. Just eat," his mother said. But there was a strain to her voice.

"What's wrong? Why is everyone around me behaving strangely?"

"Who is behaving strangely?"

"You. And Nila. Even Appa. Something feels wrong."

His mother sighed. She sat down next to him.

"Vijay kanna, can I ask you something?" she said, her face growing serious. "I've never asked you for anything in my life but this one thing--- I need you to promise me."

"Ma, what is it? Why are you scaring me now?"

His mother took a deep breath and closed her eyes before opening them again. "I don't want you to date Nila anymore. Break it off."

"What?" He barked out a weak laugh. This must be a joke.

"I'm serious. We don't want her in this family. You'll find a better person, kanna. It's better for everyone in this family if you stay away from her."

"What? Why? I don't understand," Vijay said, his voice rising. He had lost all appetite. "I thought you liked her. You told me that yourself that night and that I made a good choice for once. Why are you going back on your words?"

"Kanna, there are things you don't know. Just do as I say, okay? I'm doing this for your own good."

Vijay stood up from the chair. "I'm not a child anymore. You know damn well I won't do as you say if you don't give me a good reason to. Do you even understand what you're asking me to do? Nila is the love of my life. She's the only one. And you're asking me to break it off? Just like that without a reason? And you expect me to go along with it? What the hell is going on?"

His mother's eyes watered. "So, you love her more than me? You choose her over me?"

"Don't try to play this petty game, Ma. I know it's not your style and you don't like it. Why are you forcing yourself to be someone else and play these dirty tricks? Just tell me what's going on!"

"What's all this noise?" Vijay's father came out of the bedroom, buttoning his uniform shirt. "What's happening, Shantha?"

Vijay turned towards his father. "Why is Amma telling me to break up with Nila?"

His father sucked in sharp breath and looked over at his wife in betrayal. "I told you not to do anything about this. Why can't you ever listen to me for once?" he bellowed at his wife.

"I cannot be like you. I am his mother and I care about him. I don't want him to end up like Nishanth. Is that so wrong?"

"But it's not your decision to make. Do you realise you're doing the same mistake their parents made?"

"I don't care. Better to cut it off right now rather than later when her parents do. Nila will obviously choose that wretched family of hers like her sister did and leave my son heartbroken. I can't watch another son of mine breaking into pieces and losing everything in his life!" his mother said.

Vijay didn't understand a thing. It was building up a storm of anger inside him. He was losing patience and his sanity along with it.

"Can you at least both tell me what it is you're protecting me from?" he yelled.

"I told you it's not our place to say it. It should come from Nila. I trusted you, Shantha," his father bit out. He was pissed at his wife.

"Pa, please," Vijay begged, eyes tearing up from frustration. "Just tell me."

Vijay's father pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed, a look of deep guilt deepening the lines on his face. "You remember Kayal?"

Vijay winced at the name. He had heard the name being uttered with absolute devotion and love but also with deep pain and hurt. He had heard the name being cooed and teased and whimpered and sobbed. Nishanth's voice pounded in his ears.

"What about her?"

His mother answered, voice low and defeated. "She is Nila's elder sister."

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