eighteen

tw- mention of self harm

"I have to find kai" I say to billie as we run down the back street away from the party.

it's chaos.

theres people half naked running down the street, people with no shoes on, people still with bottles of her hand.

"kai knows how to look after themselves" she's grabbing tightly onto my hand and she's pulling me away and I have no idea where im going.

"this has happened before and they've got tons of friends, don't worry"

I feel like im gonna be sick

I want to stop running but I don't wanna slow down.

my grandma will kill me if I ever got caught.

billie pulls me down a little path beside a house and we run down the dark alley and im holding onto billies hand for dear life.

we start to slow down and I look around to see no-one around us, the smoke far away.

my phone pings and I see it's kai.

kai: dude where are you?

sage:escaping with billie

sage: are you safe?

kai: yeah i'm safe, im okay

kai:was worried about you

sage: i'm fine

sage: I think im gonna go home, sorry

kai: it's okay, text me when you get home

sage: will do

"can you take me home?" she nods and walks towards a matte black dodge challenger, fishing for a key in her pocket.

billie opens the passenger door and I slip inside, watching her jog into the drivers side and, turning on the engine.

silently I buckle my belt and jump when the music comes blasting out the speakers. "sorry" billie mumbles, switching it off when she notices me flinch.

billie pulls away and zooms down the street and I blow out a breath.

fuck.

"are you okay?" billie asks, glancing over to me.

"I don't know" I admit.

"do you wanna talk about what happened earlier?"

"no"

"im sorry about z"

why is she apologising for them?

"no offence billie but why are you friends with them?"

"we grew up dancing together. she was my best friend. they have a hard life at home and lived with me for a while and then, they fell into the wrong crowd and was no longer welcome at my house"

makes sense.

"they've been through alot and I don't wanna just drop them. she can be a good person when she wants to be"

I don't think ive ever met them sober but I feel like billie is a good judge of character.

I don't like how dangerous z acted tonight, it's not safe.

"im sorry you had to see them like that. ill find her in the morning when they're sobered up or else we'll fight"

I don't know what to say to that.

I can't imagine having a best friend like that.

it's messed up.

"it smells like you in here" I say, slowly running my finger along the soft leather of the seat.

"it does?" there's a chain hanging from the mirror which looks like one of those bathroom signs.

"your cologne or whatever, it's very distinctive" and because it's dark and im feeling alot, whisper out "you always smell good"

"sex dream"

"what?" I glance over to billie and she's smiling.

"my perfume, it's called sex dream" billie reaches into the middle compartment and throws a gold bottle into my lap and I pick it up to see a bust shaped bottle.

I pop off the lid and smell it and almost moan at the scent.

it smells so good.

"it's my favourite perfume"

"god I bet your bedroom smells amazing" I groan, squirting some of the perfume onto my wrist.

did I really just fucking say that?

"well at least I know why you always smell so good" I put the perfume back into the middle and direct billie to turn left at the lights, towards my grandmothers house.

I hope she's not awake because I probably smell like smoke from the fire right now.

"sage, what happened earlier? im not gonna force you to say anything but im a good listener and sometimes it's better to get things out"

I don't say anything for a long while, I just listen to the sound of the car and billies slow breathing.

do I really want to tell her this?

"my dad was drunk" I start "my dad and I left town because my mom cheated and he turned into a man I didn't recognise. I don't remember a time when he wasn't either drinking or drunk"

I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

"I came home from school and my dad was watching something on tv and I could smell his breath, I knew he was drunk. I went into the bathroom and fell to the floor. I was just so tired" I wipe a lone tear from my face, telling billie to turn right.

"I was being bullied, I had no friends, we had no money and there was just so much pain in my head"

"when I came out of the bathroom my dad was stood at the door, looking down at me with such an angry look on his face, I thought he was going to kill me"

I take a deep breath and compose myself for a moment. "with the calmest voice, he asked me to roll up my sleeves" almost on instinct, I rub the scars scattered along the inside of my wrist.

"I refused so he grabbed onto my forearms and pulled me into the living room. he pulled up my sleeves and I was crying but he didn't care. he started yelling in my face about me cutting myself was selfish and I only did it to hurt him"

"what happened?"

"there was a knife on the table" I continue, looking out the window and taking a deep breath. "my dad called me selfish and rolled up his sleeve, holding the knife to his skin and pressing down"

"fuck" billie whispers under her breath.

I shake the memory from my head and check my hands to make sure im not shaking. "it was you grabbing onto my forearms which caught me by surprise. I don't like it when people touch my arms, I know it sounds stupid"

"baby, it doesn't sound stupid, fuck I don't even know what to say"

"me either" I shrug, knowing she probably wants me to finish the story but ive already thought about it too much.

"did your mom find out?"

"nope. after my mom cheated, my dad and I left and I haven't heard anything from her. I didn't tell anyone because after the hospital trip, my dad hasn't had a drop of alcohol since that night"

I don't cut anymore because I don't ever want to go through what I did that night.

that night tainted all of the good memories I had with my dad and it took a lot of therapy and a lot of time before I could see past it.

"are your parents still together?" i ask billie, wanting to change the subject away from me.

billie smiles at the mention of her parents. "my parents are gonna be one of those couples who grow old together"

it must be nice to have parents like that.

we're on my grandmothers street and I ask her to pull over a few houses away.

"I can walk down here, thanks for the ride billie"

"are you ashamed to be seen with me or something?"

"no, of course not. I was supposed to be staying over at kai's house so she can't see me being dropped off by someone who isn't kai"

"fine, don't let me embarrass you"

how did I go from spilling my guts to fighting?

why is she so hurt?

I think back to something pirate said online; girls are dumb.

"the problem is" I open the car door and step outside "my grandma is good friends with someone who hates z, and happens to know you're friends with them"

"harry told my grandma how z is bas news and especially after tonight I never want to see them again. during all of this, z brought up your name in-front of them but the damage was already done. my grandma hates z and I lied about going to the party so id' rather not have her hate you either"

"that's why I don't want her to see me with you when ive already lied to her. so thanks for the ride asshole" I slam her car door shut and walk up the hill towards my grandmothers house.

I hear a car door slam and I roll my eyes, keeping my pace up the hill.

"you shouldn't walk alone at night sage, I won't let anyone see me"

"okay"

"next time tell me the truth before I make myself look like an ass"

I spot Harrys car in the drive so he must be staying over tonight.

"this is her place" I turn to face billie and swallow hard.

"why did you come to the party tonight?" she asks in a low voice and I fiddle with the zipper on my jacket. "kai invited me"

"you lied to your grandma because kai invited you to a party?" she steps closer and I step back but I hit the bush and she smirks.

"you're not running this time sage" billie looks deep into my eyes and lowers her voice which sends a shiver down my spine. "tell me princess, why risk it?"

fuck.

I hate that she's so close and making me so nervous.

im scared if I speak ill say something ill regret.

I try and control my breath and her fingers dance along the side of my thigh.

she leans even closer so her breath is brushing along my neck "why?"

a small whimper escapes me and I close my eyes. "I wanted to see you"

billie sighs against my neck, dropping her forehead on my shoulder.

her fingers pause on my thigh, gripping the flesh.

a shiver runs through me and billie places a light kiss against my neck. "shh"

fuck.

I don't even know what we're doing.

what billie is planning to do.

what I want her to do.

we stand there in silence, the only thing I can hear is her breathing.

I hear a door opening and I push billie to the floor behind Harrys car.

"who's there? sage, is that you?" harry calls out and curse under my breath, stepping closer to the motion light flicks on.

"yeah, coming"

I glance down to billie who's looking at me from the floor, smirking.

she holds a finger up to her lips and I walk inside, not looking back.

oh my fucking god.

"I thought you were staying at kai's house"

"I had a panic attack and wanted to come home"

"do you wanna talk about it? your grandma is asleep"

"no im okay, I just wanna go to bed"

"okay darlin, im in the spare bedroom so come and get me if you need anything"

"thanks harry, I will I promise"

well..that just happened

how we feeling?