CHAPTER 49- LETTER ~Farhan 💀

F A R H A N :-

I look at the clock on my bedside table, it keeps ticking, the hand keeps moving forward, the seconds keep ticking, the night gets more dark.

But I can't do anything, I can't sleep, I can't think except the thought of thinking about my wife.

Is she okay? Did she eat? She gets a headache if she doesn't drinks her night tea with me. She can't sleep without tying her hairs because it irritates her. She can't sleep without all those pillows she loves. If I don't stop her she keeps grinding her teeth in sleep.

She thinks I won't know, but I wake up every time she used to go sit in the balcony swing. During our earlier days of marriage, I always saw her through the balcony doors, sitting alone on the swing and wipe her tears. I don't used to feel bad for her then, but as time passed, her each tear pained me.

Every time I made her cry, I wanted nothing more than to punch myself. She didn't deserve the person I was back then. She doesn't deserve me now, she is a type of person who everyone wants but no one deserves her, she is too kind for this world.

In these last few hours, I regret every single second in which I had butted her. All I wanted now is to hold her close, to never let her go out of my sight. I wanted to see her, be with her, tell her how much she means to me and her every single wound would pain me as well. To tell her how much I love her.

Last few days we used to talk on phone late nights, talking about everything. I would repeat what I did the whole day twice just so I could keep talking to her, conversations never ended with her. She somehow always discreetly used to tell me that she wants to see me safe. She is waiting for me.

I never replied her, I should've have agreed to what she said, because right now, I don't want to kill someone, I just want my peace. My Ayesha, nothing else.

Nothing else matters to me.

I wiped the corner of my eye and picked up the last letter in the box,

I smile realising the date, she wrote this writing on her favourite swing.

I took a deep breath and opened the letter,

My dear husband, Farhan.

First, I can't believe I am finally addressing these letters to my husband. You don't know how excited I am!

If you've already read my previous letters, I apologise for the cringe liners I wrote back then. But I promise, I learned better now.

I know this letter is kind of random, but I need to tell you something important, which I can't express clearly, my feelings.

I would always care for you by my actions, but verbal response is also important, and you know how bad I am at talking my feelings, so here I am writing it down for you.

Years ago I read somewhere, Real love is only after arrange marriages. I didn't realise back then, I always wanted a love marriage, because I thought if you know the person who you are marrying is already in your heart, it will be easier, life would be so much fun.

But I was wrong all along, when we got married, it was a tough walk, there were misunderstandings, tears, fights, distances, which I thought would never end. I thought I was struck in an dark tunnel.

But I forgot, there is always light at the end of the tunnel, you just need to keep walking, if you stop the darkness will swallow you.

You were my guarding light to the dark, you made me believe in love like no other romance books could. When I started understanding you, I realised falling in love is much easier when you have the right person.

We learned together, accepted our mistakes, have forgiven each other, made a new start, and that's what it took for me to fall in love with you.

Growing up I was always a hopeless romantic, I needed someone to love me, which made me make my biggest mistake too, but leaving that behind, I came back to you. Who could've imagined, the dorky boy who teased me every time we met, annoyed me like no other, will make me fall in love with him.

Fall is a weird word. But when I fell, I didn't got hurt, because my husband was there to pick me up, show me the light. Some might think fall is dangerous, but my fall was the most beautiful. I didn't fell for any harm, for any hurt, I fell in the arms of the most beautiful human.

You know who he is?

He doesn't thinks he is capable of love, but he is the most loveable person. He loved then, he loves now, and he will love always. He is kind, he is helpful. But the world did him wrong. He was scraped out of his own life, he forced himself to be something which ne never wanted, all because his feelings were mishandled. He used to close himself, forcing to be cold. But how can a person pretend to be something he isn't, he just needed to realise he is loved. And love is really powerful, love can unite, love can heal, love can teach patience, love gives calmness.

So to the man with the bravest heart, my Farhan,

I love you.

I love you more than any twenty six alphabets of every language could describe.

With you, I see a beautiful future, a future we will make together Inshallah.

You, me, and our family built with love.

I couldn't thank Allah every day for writing you in my destiny. I always used to think earlier days in our marriage, you are my most beautiful reality, the one I dreamed of every day and yet it wasn't written for me.

Because for you to find, I needed to walk to you, we both walked to each other and met our light, away from our darkness.

Come back to me soon, I will be waiting for you.

Seni seviyorum benim hayatım.

Your wife,

Ayesha ♡

The letter fall from my hand, tears weighing them down.

I clutch my hair and bit back a sob.

Why did this happen when everything was going perfectly? Only if she didn't went to that fair, only if I never left her alone.

In this moment, I never felt so helpless. So lonely.

I need to go somewhere, somewhere where everything didn't remind of her, but what about my heart? Who pumped in my chest with her name. What about it?

I picked up the letter and read it again. Again and again until I start to memorise it.

I wiped my tears and get up and exit my room, I go downstairs towards the kitchen door and walk outside towards the back gates,

The same way I sneaked out with her,

"Sir?" The guard calls as I open the gate and walked out,

"Should I call the driver?" He asks,

"No." I reply blankly walking away from the gate.

Qubool hai

I started walking on the road, not knowing any destination, just her voice in my mind.

Then why did you get married? You could've denied. Made my life easier.

Every single day of past eight months start to play in a loop, no other thought matter, only her.

I have no idea what happened with you to be like this, you said you don't love somebody else nor were you forced in this marriage, then what's your problem? Is it me? You don't like my presence? Or am I not accurate for your standards? Give me a margin of being human.

Why did I always fought with her? Why didn't I valued her earlier?

Three hours. Three hours Farhan. You made me wait three hours for nothing? What kind of pathetic revenge is that?

I wish I hadn't hurt her anytime.

I will always come to you.

I want to hug her, the same way at that mall, I wish she would call me, say where she is and I would run to her.

Yeah, I brought it to talk over a cup of tea? I hope you like tea.

I need to hear her voice.

Do you not fear of hurting me so much, so much that I might die from this pain?

Take away all her tears.

Well now we are making one, A pleasant memory, for you to remember

Grab her hand and never let her go.

I know, you are here, I always want you here.

I am here, where are you? Why can't I see you? Talk to you? Feel you?

Please think about what I said. I don't want you regret anything, when you will realise what I am trying to say, you will remember me at that time.

I realised everything. I don't want any revenge, I want you.

I don't want to lose my Farhan, please don't do anything that will make you regret, please.

There is no Farhan without Ayesha.

This would be the first time, we would be...you know separated.

Why did we got separated?

You better hurry up then, I won't wait if you are late.

Please wait for me, I can't lose you.

So to the man with the bravest heart, my Farhan,

I love you.

I trip over a stone and fall down on the road, my knees burn, my elbows burn, so does my heart.

I punch the gravel road and let out a sob.

"I need you Ayesha." I cry punching the road, "Where are you?"

"Where should I go?" I cry laying on the road. "I have nowhere without you."

"Please come back." I sob again. My face scratching from the gravel, but I didn't care, I didn't care about anything.

I sat up, balancing my wobbly hands, taking the letter from my pocket, I read it again.

Her each word, each sentences, reminded me like no other. Making me cry for her even more, miss her even more. Making me realise her worth even more.

"I am sorry." I kept repeating holding the letter close to me. "I promise I will love you always."

"Come back to me, please." I sob loudly, my cries echoing in the dark night.

While I kept crying, hearing my heart shatter, holding something so important to me, everything around me was blur until a sound resonated echoing on the empty street.

Allahu akbar! Allahu akbar!

[God is great, god is great!]

I lift my head up and look around the dark street I ended up,

Allahu akbar! Allahu akbar!

[God is great, god is great!]

I folded the letter and keep it in my pocket before getting up from the road,

Ashadu an la ilaaha illa Allah,

[I bear witness there is no god, except one.]

My legs as if having an own mind, started leading me towards the source of the sound.

Ashadu an la ilaaha illa Allah,

[I bear witness there is no god, except one.]

There was an unknown strength in me which made me determined to find the place of the sound.

Ashadu anna muhammadan rasool allah,

[I bear witness that Mohammed is the messenger of Allah]

The sound was getting clearer as I kept walking on the unknown street,

Ashadu anna muhammadan rasool allah,

[I bear witness that Mohammed is the messenger of Allah]

There was no one on this street, every house had their lights off as if the sound never bothered them.

Hayya 'ala-s-salah.

[hurry to the prayer]

Something in me said it was only for me.

Hayya 'ala-s-salah.

[hurry to the prayer]

I look at lines of houses with lights off, did no one lived here, or did they not know the translation?

Hayya 'ala-l-falah

[hurry to salvation]

I walked in a nearly dark street and look at the source of light, from which the sound was very much clear.

Hayya 'ala-l-falah

[hurry to salvation]

I walked closer to the small masjid which was empty.

Allahu akbar! Allahu akbar!

[God is great, god is great!]

The words called for me, and I walked by the sound, leading it's way.

La ilaaha illa Allah,

[there is no god, except one.]

I look around before removing my shoes and walking inside, I stood there for a while confused what to do.

Someone tapped on my shoulder from behind, I turn around to see an elderly man wearing a traditional thobe smiling at me.

"You are early," he smiles removing his shoes, "It's a good thing, the prayer would start soon let's make wadhu before that."

He pointed at a door beside us, there was a sign for wadhu on it,

I entered the washroom behind him and followed his actions to make wadhu properly.

After making my wadhu, I entered the praying area, The carpet was freshly groomed and cleaned yet no one was here. It looked peaceful and scary all at once.

The sound of mike static was heard before that elderly man's voice echoed in the empty hall, I look forward and see him standing with his back to me,

I walked forward and stood behind him, I don't know what took over me but I started following his lead.

He lifted his hands up till behind his ears for takbir, and I did the same,

"Allahu Akbar." I repeat after him,

When he starts reciting the Surahs, that's when I lost it and I couldn't help the tears flowing down my face.

Each ruku, each sujood, till the salaam, unlocked the invisible barrier against my heart.

The moment I bowed down for the sujood, it felt the right place to cry, to ask for repentance, to express my grief. My heart craved for this, cried for this. Yet I ran away from the only peace.

My hands started shaking as I lift them up for dua, my tongue couldn't express my pain, nor could my brain. I just kept crying.

My lips forgot how to talk, words seemed foreign to me, the only thing I could do was cry and hope Allah would understand what I wanted to say.

I felt someone tapping my shoulder, "Everything would be alright, son." The elderly man said.

"I don't think so." I replied, bowing my head down in shame, "Allah won't forgive me. He wouldn't listen to me now."

He sits down beside me, "And how do you know that?" He smiles, "Did you got a e-mail about that?"

I shake my head still looking down, "No, I know that."

"What do you know son?"

"I haven't prayed in years." I reply, "I am in a difficult time, everything is wrong. After so many years I have come pray, wouldn't Allah think I am selfish?"

He chuckles, "You feel guilty about that?" I nod.

"Then that's your locked up iman, your faith which never vanished from your heart, the world might change the human, but the heart still craves for the iman in it. You can suppress it, but only for time being. One day your heart would cry out and lead you to the sujood."

I look at him, "Do you think he would forgive me?"

He smiles, "My son, he is the most forgiving, most merciful. He even forgives the person who's sins are in a form of ocean, subhanallah! Imagine that."

I wipe away my tears, "If I ask him for repentance he would forgive me? It's that easy?"

He smiles looking down, "Let me tell you a story, a long time ago, there was a man who committed ninety nine murders, he wanted repentance from Allah, so he asked a wise man on his journey to repentance and says his story to him, the man says 'you cannot be forgiven by Allah because of your sins' he gets angry and kills him, marking one more murder. He then travels to the place of wise people, who he would ask about the repentance. On his journey, his hour nears and he dies. The angels have an argument weather he should be in hell, or should he be sent to heaven because of his guilt, because of the havoc in angels, jibrael comes down and says the solution to count his steps from his last murder to the place of the wise people he was about to visit. His steps were less compared to his further journey, but Allah loved him so much that he increased his steps from his last murder, hence granting him a place in jannah."

Tears rolled down my face and I look down,

"It's the intention that matters my son. Your lord is ever so forgiving. He loves the people most who weep in their dua. And you know why?" I shake my head.

"Because it's the tawakkal, the trust you put on him, you carry every burden, every problem on you. Share it with Allah, your tawakkal in him would never let you down. The peace you find putting your trust in him, knowing whatever happens he has the best planned for you. If something is taken from you, given to you, always say Alhumdulliah. Forever be grateful to your lord. You never what your dua can do."

"I saw you weeping in your dua, it was your heart's burden you let free. When no words form, Allah listens to your heart, your desperate cries. He always forgives my son. Remember that."

I take a breath, trying to stop my tears, "Thank you."

He smiles again, "Don't thank me, I did not do anything. Your heart brought you here. Pour it out all and see the wonders. May Allah always bless you."

He gets up with a last pat on my shoulder and walks away.

I look back at his retreating back and take another breath before going in a sujood, because it felt so peaceful, nothing could describe.

I don't know for how long I stayed, pouring my heart out through my tears, all the weight I have carrying throughout the years. Everything in me felt light as I cried and cried and cried until my eyes knew what it was missing on it, until my heart knew what it was hiding in it.

It felt the longest hours while I kept weeping until someone started shaking me.

I ignored whoever it was, and stayed in the sujood.

"Brother, are you okay?" I heard someone asking.

I opened my eyes, realising I slept while crying and looked around the empty masjid,

A young man stood beside me, looking down at me.

Confused, I get up dusting my clothes off.

"I am sorry I," I apologise, "I didn't realise I slept here."

The young man smiled, "No problem brother. Did you lost your way? Do you need anything?"

I shake my head, "No," I lick my dry lips. "I came here last night and....I prayed here."

He says nothing so I continue,

"There was a kind old man here too, he lead the prayer and sat with me while I cried.... And I talked him." I run my hand down my face, "I think I slept while making a dua."

The young man looks at me for a while before giving me a smile. "You look exhausted, do you mind a cup of coffee? I live by the house attached to this mosque."

"No, don't bother. I'll get going." I deny.

"Come on brother, I insist." He smiles kindly, "We don't see guests often, we would be happy to serve you."

Seeing his smile and welcoming tone I nod reluctantly and follow him out of the masjid, I flinched looking at the bright sun light out.

I follow the young man to his house which was just down the street,

"My name is Rehbar," he says smiling,

I nod, "Farhan."

Opening the small rustic gate he asked me to sit on the small bench table outside his house.

"What time is it now?" I ask looking around the bright sun rays and the sound of birds chirping.

"It's seven in the morning." He replies, "Have a seat please. I will be back in a while."

I sat on the bench and look at the birds flying on the huge trees surrounding this house,

Shortly rehbar returned with two cups of coffee on his hand and placed it on the table.

"Thank you." I say taking the cup, "So how did you found me there so early?"

Rehbar smiles, "I go to the masjid every morning to clean it, when I saw you I thought you were some traveller resting, but something in my heart made me want to wake you and talk to you."

I blink confused, "You work for the masjid?"

He shrugs, "You could say, my father used to be the imam over there."

And then it clicks, "Yeah I met your father."

He nods, "I am sure you did."

I nod, "Do people don't pray often in that masjid?"

"The regulars, they come by, don't know about the others, who hears the call come by, those who don't, there loss." He replies.

I vividly remember walking towards an unknown destination, hearing the call. Is it really this powerful?

"Is your father inside? I would like to meet him." I ask remembering the old man who unknowingly answered my unasked question.

He gives me a small smile, "No brother, he passed away seven years ago."

I stare at him in shock, "W-what?"

He nods, "It's true. Don't think you went insane or something. Maybe you needed some kind of closure which Allah brought you closer to."

I shake my head unbelievably, "I-I don't understand. Is it really possible?"

Rehbar smiles, "Nothing is impossible when it is planned by Allah."

I sag back on the bench, overwhelmed by his answer.

"But it felt so real." I whisper to myself.

"You," I lean forward, "You think it was some kind of eye opener for me?" I ask, heart palpitating dangerously, "That maybe Allah made a way for me? Guided me to it?"

Rehbar chuckles, "As I said, nothing is impossible by him, I don't know about your life, your problems, but I am sure Allah made a bridge for you to realise it, I will pray that everything goes easy for you."

I chuckle in disbelief, blinking back my tears, I look at him, "This is unbelievable, but I could say your father was a wonderful man. Knows a way to heart."

"He was indeed a very good man, may Allah grant my father a great place in jannah." He sighs looking away,

"Ameen." I mutter great fully picking up the cup and taking a sip of the coffee, "The coffee is delicious."

He smiles, "Glad you liked it brother."

****

"Where you out?" I heard mama ask as I close the main door behind me.

"Went for a walk." I mutter walking towards the stairs.

"Any news about Ayesha?" Mama asks worriedly.

"Nothing." I reply. "I hope Allah paves a way today."

"Inshallah he will." Mama mutters.

I pause walking up the stairs and look back at my mother, she was seated on the couch, her face pale with worry, evident dark circles under her eye.

I turn around and walk towards her,

How much am I going to run from everything?

I walk towards my mother and without saying anything, I sat down next to her and lay my head down on her lap.

It's about time I stop running and look around for the people I left behind.

"Farhan," she whispers as I lay my head down on her lap. "Everything will be alright my child."

"I don't know mama." I whisper feeling my eyes burn, "I want to hide somewhere."

"Don't say that my child." She combs my hair back, "Allah tests his favourite believer. He knows how much a person can handle."

"I realised it," I say, "I realised a lot of things mama."

"What my child?" She asks,

"I had hurt you so much." I whisper, tears running down my eyes, "You already lost a son, and I grew distant from you. You must've feel so alone."

"No my love never." She says firmly, "You are the best the son any mother could ask for. I would never allow you to say that for yourself. We should apologise to you for burdening you so much in a young age. You were forced to take a responsibility you were not ready for. But you did and did so well. I am really proud of you, my son. I am sorry if I couldn't say it enough."

I lift my head up and hold her hands. "I am sorry I wasn't there for you mama, for baba, for Mina. I didn't knew how to control my emotions so I ran away."

"You did not." I turn around to see baba standing behind the couch, his eyes glistening.

"There was never a day we thought that Farhan. We knew you were grieving, you did nothing wrong. You took your family's responsibility after your brother and you did so good. We never thought you ran away, never think that." Baba says patting my shoulder.

"For parents, all children are the same. All these years how much you changed, I always prayed to Allah that by some miracle, you could go back to your past self, and he heard, you got married to a girl with whom you learned to live again, smile again. This is life my child, it comes back in full circles." Mama says as I wipe the corner of eyes.

"And now we are also praying and trying our best, that we find her. We will not sit back this time." Baba says firmly and I nod holding his hand.

"Mama! Baba!" We all look at the stairs in alert, hearing Mina's frantic voice,

"What's wrong?" Baba asks seeing Mina running down the stairs in a haste.

Mina looks at me and our parents before lifting her hand up, showing a phone.

"What is it?" I ask.

Mina pants, holding up a phone, "This is Fahad bhai's phone, last night me and bahi opened his room, late night I went in his room again and a found a bag with his clothes send by the hospital. I found his phone too,"

Her voice wobbles, "I wanted to hear his voice, so I charged his phone and found something."

I stare at her silently, "What was it?"

She shakes her head, "You all need to hear this."

*******

A/N:-

Gahhh I can't believe we are nearing the ending chapters

It's a little overwhelming thinking about it.

Also sorry for the late updates.

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