I wonder

I wonder if ill ever feel loved by anyone other than my mother

If "mi cielo" will ever come out of my mouth like it does for my sister to her child

If the hardships of my youth will ever feel overcome and forgotten

If one day I can finally tell my younger self that things really do get better

Dreamt of pill popping for ages

Memorized the studies and followed graphs

Prayed to the light for some sense of protection

Met with silence time and time again

Felt the sting of tears on cheeks littered with acne scars just created

Scratched my nose because I wish I could act out how I felt

Ran in rain to try and free the demons

Smoked some weed to try and numb the pain

Ran from love in a selfish attempt at self preservation

Ran towards it only to feel beady eyes point a gun at my head

Cut my hair just to cut it all over a day later

Fished for compliments from men to believe I was a delicate flower bud

Exhale and feel my hearts palpitations

My mind gets hazy and my lungs want to snap shut

My vision becomes blurry and my nails turn sharp

So desperate I turn on Pornhub, wishing I could make love to myself

Lie in bed and dream of murder

Where I victimize myself

Unmask the villain and its me again

I surrender to her touch

Written on: October 2023