Not Ready (TW)
☆Faith☆ (A Series Of Poems)
Trigger Warning: Eating disorders
I'm not ready to be back under that fluorescent light
The one room that reeks of stickers and bandages
Drawing blood and cotton squares that sink into my skin
I'm not ready to go back and be judged on all that's wrong
Everything written on my "problems list"
I'm not ready to go back and cry
You telling me I'm heavier but that I can always go back to who I was
The better me
The one who ran and did sports and didn't lose her breath in the simplest of movements
Shoulder bones protruding and her stomach much flatter, less area
Less space taken up in the observation bed
I'm not ready for you to tell me I haven't made progress
My therapist telling me I should seek a nutritionist or a dietitian
Something I was not even recommended when I was 70 pounds of flesh and bones
I'm not ready for you to tell me that you hope I'm seeing a therapist because the thought of my weight still brings chills to my nervous system
The tears that are brought forth
The ideas that I am worth nothing
Solely for the number on your STUPID SCALE
The one I say holds no power but does
OH IT DOES
IT DOES
IT DOES
If it didn't I wouldn't have avoided the visit the first time
Made excuses to myself and others
Told myself everything was okay
BUT IT'S NOT
IT'S NOT
IT ISN'T
I'm not ready to be judged under your microscope
The uncomfortable air in the room
I'm not ready to be told I'm still not good enough
Because of some outdated BMI scale
I'm not ready
Because I never know how my body will react
My hands freeze up
My mind slows down
Begins its own plan
One that isn't unknown
Where I am consumed in darkness
My wrist bones peek out
My hair grows sporadically
No longer will I be engulfed in doubt
My monster regrows
She regenerates while I cower in fear
She takes over
And my hunger disappears
Written on: March 15, 2021