Chapter Eleven.

Ayla.

I sat up against the headboard of my bed thinking about the kiss I shared with Ryder. I never knew one kiss could leave me so puzzled, wondering what to make of it. I don't know what this means, do I like him? Does he like me? So many questions left unanswered. I sigh and shake my head wanting to rid myself of all of this. After he confessed that I apparently make him weak I remember scoffing and leaving. I make him weak? If I'm not wrong all these years he's been the one in control, he is the person who dominates me.

How in the hell could I hate him but possibly think about him in any romantic way? Why did I once resent him but now almost yearn for his attention? My phone buzzes and I see that Bri sent me the location of the café we're supposed to meet at. I in no way wanted to leave my house today but I will never refuse to spend anytime with Bri. I haven't told her what happened, not because I don't want to but honestly because saying it out loud will make me acknowledge it actually happened. That it wasn't a fever dream. Admitting it out loud meant I'd have to open doors that I don't want to enter, for my sanity.

I put my phone, keys and wallet into the pockets of my hoodie. Going downstairs I clattered my teeth, it was really cold and I hoped I didn't make the wrong decision by wearing these flared leggings. I looked around for mum until I realised she had gone next door to gossip with miss Collins. She was a sweet lady in her mid forties but when it came to gossip and drama she was the number one person to go to.

And I believe my dad had gone to an important meeting with none other than Mr. Costello. How ironic and convenient it is that my dad does business with my bully, or enemy. They're both pretty much the same.

Informing mum with a text that I was leaving I close the front door and get into my car. I shivered wrapping my arms around myself and put the location of the café into my phone. The drive was nice but my thoughts were evaded by the happenings of yesterday. I hated it, I hated having these thoughts, they made me feel things I didn't want to feel, it also didn't help that I couldn't make out what these feelings were. Once I got to my destination I parked up and sat for a couple minutes resetting my mind and taking deep breaths. I walked in and skimmed my eyes over the place stopping my gaze and I see Bri in a brightly lit corner with a drink, most likely a hazelnut latte. Sitting down I let out a bunch of air and sunk into my seat. "Oh girl...what's wrong?" She says taking both of my hands in hers giving them a comforting squeeze.

"Please don't freak out but long story short... me and Ryder kissed." I say, delaying my speech as much as I could. There it was, the open admission of my kiss. Oh god, it did happen, and I don't know what to do. Bri's jaw drops, eyes widen and mouth gapes.

"Ryder- as in Ryder Costello that prick! How?" She asks in shock. I squeeze my eyes shut and wave my head up and down in shame.

"I don't know how it all happened, I'm just- Bri I dont know what to do." I say inhaling a deep breath, emotions were getting the better of me and I'm overwhelmed.

"Come on lets get you a drink and some food. You can tell me slowly babe, dont be embarrassed okay." She gives my hands another squeeze and waves over a waitress. Bri orders my favourite things and I smile at her thankful for having a sister like her. Malia our waitress brings over our food quick and I take a few bites of my pasta and sip on my iced tea. Sitting up I rub my hands and nod at Bri. "Lay it all out, what happened babe?"

"So I went over yesterday to work on our project. We were sitting down and I was just looking at him." She raises her brows and I blush a little. "Can you blame me? He's pretty! even if he's rude." I defend myself and she chuckles.

"Anyways, there was a mark on his neck and without thinking I asked him what it was. He made up some excuse saying he was at the gym. I told him that it wasn't an answer and he told me to shut up." She rolls her eyes and the corner of my lips tug up.

"Out of the blue my stomach made such a loud noise and it was so embarrassing so I got up but tripped, obviously with my shitty luck I fell right onto him." Again I shake my head reminiscing. "Then." She says urging me to continue, I could tell she was intrigued, I mean she was practically at the edge of her seat

"Well, the position was too intimate for my liking, I mean for gods sake I was practically went face first into his neck. So I got up and started apologising." I pause for a second, drinking some of the tea. Once my throat was refreshed I began speaking.

"He asked me why I was apologising and I said that I thought he would hurt me. He then said that I needed to to understand that he wouldn't hurt me." Bri scoffs and leans forward. "Bullshit." She states.

"He started talking about year seven and I didn't realise then but he was getting closer. We exchanged a few words and before I knew it..." I stop myself mid sentence as shivers cascade down my back, my mind reacted to the thought of the kisses he gave me and I couldn't control my arousal. I felt like a reckless horny teenager.

"What!" Bri says, wanting me to finish the clearly entertaining story.

"He started kissing my neck- and well um- I kinda liked it. I mean I've never been kissed ever so you can imagine how it went. he then full blown kissed my lips and it got quite heated. Lets just say my legs were wrapped around him and there may of may not have been some movement down there." I blushed as I recollect it all. But I had done it, I acknowledged the kiss and I was fighting other thoughts. I didn't know what this could mean, I wasn't even sure that I wanted to find out.

"We stopped because his mum wanted to come in and I just grabbed my things and left." I knew there was more but I felt like that was Ryder's personal problems and it wasn't right for me to say.

"Jeez Ayla what you going to do now?" She asks and taking a bite out of her salad. "I don't know Bri. I don't even want to go school tomorrow. And the most annoying thing is I-I want to kiss him again." I confessed. I knew I was digging myself a deeper hole but I couldn't help it, I did want to kiss him again, I dont know if it's because he's my first but the kiss felt so right, even if I know its wrong. At least no one can say I'm not self aware.

"Why?"

"I don't know, I liked him back then but I was eleven, I didn't know what those feelings were and because of what became those feelings were long gone. Maybe they're resurfacing?" I hold my head in my hands knowing I've basically just confessed to liking him. How could I like someone who treats me like that?

Bri inhales deeply and lifts my head up caressing my cheek. "Listen bub, you know I love you and support your decisions. I may not like Ryder but if in the future he makes you happy then its fine with me. There's no right or wrong here because you cant help what you feel Ayla. But all I can say is dont enable his behaviour by letting him treat you in a way you dont deserve and make sure you're always comfortable." I nod and give her a hug. "Thank you." I say into her ear whilst embracing her tightly. I love Bri, she never made me feel ashamed and always listened.

"Its my job as a friend babe. Now eat up." She says and I obey finishing my dish happily keeping the cheesecake for later as I was full.

We pay our bill and leave each other with a hug going our separate ways. I offered to drop her off but Myles was waiting for her in the city. She told me they were going on a boat ride from west to east, I was unbelievably happy for her, Myles was so good to her and always planned these beautiful romantic dates.

I get into my car and put on some music as I sit in despair. I hated how I felt, I hated all of it. I wish I could see myself in the future and ask older Ayla what the fuck did I end up doing.

'I still cant believe I kissed him.'

'He kissed you.'

'I like him.'

All these thoughts ran through my mind and I began driving, not realising my subconscious chose my destination. It wasn't till a few minutes in I realised I was on the way to the Costello residence.

Spontaneous, I know. Very out of character for me but I just needed some answers, anything to calm my uneasy mind, I pulled up at his gate unsure if I should do this but I powered through any obstacles and rang the intercom. I entered with the permission of the person on the other side of the intercom and drove in, parking up in the allocated bay.

Antonella opens the door and I dont wait for her to lead me to Ryder's room, I walk up the stairs with determination and stop at his door. Again I take a few steps back and rethink my actions. I power through and knock on the door, Ryder opens the door and I analyse him. He's shirtless and has bedhead, I almost lost focus on why I actually came here.

"Ayla?" He said dumbfounded, I push him in and sit down on his bed.

"Why did you kiss me?" I ask and he clenched his jaw holding a breath in.

"Right now isn't the time." He said, I felt the anger boil within, now isn't the time? I didn't think yesterday was the right time to be kisses, I may not regret it but jeez it was bad timing.

"You're not serious right? You think you can kiss me and then not want to talk to me? Ryder I'm not some toy you can pick up and throw away when it doesn't satisfy you!" I shout, his eyes darken and I swallow my breath.

"Lower your voice." He says eerily calm.

"No you cant tell me what to do-!" I was frustrated and beyond annoyed that he thought he could get away with this. I was cut off as his lips connected with mine. He pushed me down onto the bed with his mouth still molding with mine. "Ryder." I moaned and ran my hands through his hair. I wanted this, I wanted it so badly, I knew this was reckless but I loved how he made me feel with just a kiss. He flips me around so I straddle his lap. I take my hoodie off and Ryder kisses my neck going further down and placing his lips on my chest. I was lost, lost in hedonism, my nipples perked up and hardened as his lips traced over them. I open my eyes and come to my senses, I couldn't do this. As pleasured as I was I knew I couldn't go on, at least not without answers. I push him away and sit up averting my gaze from him.

"Why do you like controlling me?" I said out of breath.

"Why do you like hurting me?" I demanded an answer.

"Just go." He said and looked down.

He couldn't look me in the eyes. He could kiss me senseless but he couldn't look me in my eyes.

I choked on my breath.

Remembering Bri's words I caught my breath and stood up. I wont enable this behaviour. I wont be his little toy.

Picking up my hoodie I hastily wear it and leave the room in silence. As I run down the stairs I couldn't hold it in anymore. I let my tears fall and sob into my clothes. My pace is brisk as I make my way to the car and enter. I needed to leave this place, as soon as possible. I needed to get rid of Ryder, in my thoughts and in my heart.

But I couldn't. He was all I could think about. He's horrible, yet I wanted all of him, his kisses, his confessions. I didn't want to fall, but I was afraid I had already jumped off the ledge. I park up outside my house and wipe my face, once I'm sure I look presentable I puff my face full of air and let it all out. I'm okay, and I will be. Walking in I see mum and dad sat by the kitchen island.

"Hayati, dinners almost ready." Mum says and I nod.

"Okay I'm just going to take a shower, I'll be down in a bit." With that I go upstairs and into my room.

Stripping my clothes I wear a robe and walk to the bathroom. Running the hot water I stepped into the tub and let the water fall over me, washing away his scent, his touch, his imprint.

My tears fall in sync with the water and I remind myself.

He has always hurt me and he always will.