Chapter 10: HUGE X3: Chapter 10

Mom and I are pretty silent on the drive to visit the specialist. Neither of us mentions her confession the night before; me because, as much as I don’t want to be angry for the effect it’s had on me, I can’t help it. I’m guessing she’s too concerned with the outcome of the appointment to think about anything else.

Dr. Abbott is the doctor that treated my aunt. I wasn’t sure mom would consider bringing me to see her because she hadn’t been successful in curing Auntie Marie. The smell of the hospital takes me back to the dark days when mom’s sister was going through the harshest part of her treatment and I shiver, remembering her pallid skin and the gauntness of her previously rounded face.

“She’s one of the best,” mom says.

“I know, mom.”

We sit in the waiting room and thumb through magazines, both of us too preoccupied to make conversation. When my name is finally called it’s like we’re both frozen to the spot.

“Hey, Katelin,” Dr. Abbott says breezily as I enter her office with mom close behind.

“Hi,” I reply, trying to sound upbeat. I remember she had a thing about positive thinking and its effect on successful outcomes.

“Take a seat and tell me everything.”

I sit on the chair nearest her desk and mom takes the one next to me. I tell the doctor about the lump, describing when I first found it, where it is and the size. She tells me she wants to do an examination. It’s such a vulnerable feeling to strip away your clothes and lay for someone to feel your breast. Her gloved hands are cool and firm and when she finds the lump and presses around it, I inhale sharply with the pain. I look over at mom and she looks ashen-faced.

“Well, there is definitely a lump. We will need to do a scan and a biopsy to be sure of what we’re looking at here. I’ll call down and make the arrangements.”

Even though I knew this was the likely outcome of today I still feel like someone has punched me in the gut. I look at mom and she gets up to stand near the bed while I put my bra and blouse back on. I hear my phone vibrate in my bag and I go over and check my messages while Dr. Abbott makes her phone calls.

It’s a message from Austin telling me that they’re thinking of me and to call when I’m done. Then I get another from Bryan asking how things are going. I still haven’t told any of my girlfriends what’s happening. I know they’ll all be mad at me when they find out but I can’t seem to find the words to tell them right now. I start to tap a note to Bryan. I feel like I owe it to him to respond after our conversation last night. It’s hard to put what is about to happen to me into words but I manage to say that I’m going for a scan and biopsy. I don’t wait for him to respond because mom has come to sit beside me and she has reached out to put her hand on my arm.

It doesn’t feel good to want to flinch away from the touch of the person closest to you but I do. Her tenderness and concern make me feel raw and closer to tears. I never thought I’d be the kind of person who wanted to deal with bad things by myself but I am. I know that if I did push her away that I would hurt her and I don’t want to do that.

We have to wait for an hour before I’m called. The scan and biopsy are painful but the medical staff are amazing and they try to keep my mind off what’s happening. Afterward, mom and I decide to head straight home. I feel emotionally exhausted and really want to get into my bed and make up some of the sleep I lost last night through worrying.

When we pull up outside the house, Austin’s rental car is there.

“Looks like you have visitors,” she says as she parks up. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I’ll go talk to them.”

“Okay, sweetie. I’ll be inside.”

As I get out of the car and walk towards theirs, I can see that Austin is driving and Jason’s in the passenger seat.

He winds down the window. “Want to come somewhere with us?” he asks. I’m expecting lots of questions about what I’ve been through today and was really dreading having to talk about it.

“I’m tired.” I push the handle of my purse up my shoulder.

“We can just drive,” Jason says. Austin bends forward. His green eyes are so worried that I stop thinking about going to rest and get into the back of the car. No one says anything as Austin puts the car in drive. I look out the window, watching as we pass from familiar streets towards a popular spot that I used to go when I was a teenager. Barton’s Rise is a place just outside our town where people go to hike and for picnics. It’s also a place that high school kids go to make-out. The best thing about it, though, are the views.

Austin reverses the car so that the back is pointed with a view across the hills. The twin’s open their doors so I follow suit. It’s like they had all this planned but I don’t know what this is.

When we’re out Austin flips open the trunk. He’s got an icebox in there, and a picnic blanket. The twins grab the supplies and we walk a little way before they stop to spread everything out. I’m kinda confused about what they’re doing. There’s no amiable chat, no trying to make me forget what is happening and no platitudes about how everything is going to be okay. What there is are two men who seem hell bent on just keeping me company in my darkest hour. Two almost strangers who shouldn’t care an iota about what is going on in my life.

I remember something Auntie Marie said to me towards the end, about how sometimes life gives, just as it is taking away. She’d come into some money a year before her diagnosis and had made some amazing trips to Europe and Australia as a result. I can’t help thinking again that maybe the twins are the universe’s gift to me.

I sit and slip off my shoes, enjoying the cool dampness of the grass against my skin. Austin unclips the lid on the box and offers me a beer. It may sound like an exaggeration for me to say that this ice cold beer tastes the best of any I have ever drunk, but it’s true. He pulls a little box out of his jacket and starts to roll a joint. It’s been ages since I smoked but I can’t think of anything more perfect to do on this summer’s evening. Jason reaches out and laces his fingers through mine and we sit for a while, waiting for Austin to craft what is the most perfect joint I have ever seen.

“I thought a med student would be anti-marijuana,” I say as I take the first toke.

“Medicinal qualities.” He shrugs and smiles.

“I need all the medicinal qualities I can get right now.”

Jason’s hand squeezes mine as he inhales and then blows amazingly complicated smoke rings that float away on the soft breeze.

“You know, when we were kids, our grandpa used to smoke a pipe. We loved to sit at his feet and watch him pack in the tobacco. If I ever walk past someone smoking one now, it’s like I go back to being five years old.” Austin takes a long drag and blows the smoke through his nose.

It isn’t long before my mind feels like a fluffy little cloud, ready to blow away with the smoke rings. I drink to the bottom of my beer and then lay back on the rug. It’s starting to get dark and this far outside of the city, the stars are so much clearer and more magical.

“Do you ever wonder why you are here?” I ask them, awed by the sight of the universe above me.

“To fuck,” Jason says. We all snort with weird sounding stoned laughter.

“To fuck and to eat,” Austin says.

“I’m being serious,” I protest, sounding like a whiny little girl.

“You should have asked the serious questions before we pulled out the weed and booze,” Jason says.

“I don’t usually think about stuff like this. I’m not the kind of girl that worries about the meaning of life or the purpose of her meager existence.”

“Meager,” Jason says, chuckling.

“What’s so funny about that?” I say.

“I have no fucking idea.” He rolls to his side and props his head on his hands. In the low light he’s all shadows and angles with eyes that are blackened because of his enlarged pupils. He looks like a dark angel or maybe an angel of mercy. Maybe they have come to me to accompany my soul to the afterlife. My thoughts seem weirdly distorted but amazingly clear too.

He strokes my cheek and pushes a loose curl back into place.

“Life is for living,” he says. “While we’re here, we just have to make the most of every minute.”

“None of us knows how long we’re going to get,” Austin adds.

“Some of us might,” I whisper. It’s the first time I’ve verbalized my fears and it’s the scariest thing I’ve ever done.

Austin’s sitting up behind where I’m lying and he puts his big strong palm on my shoulder.

“About three years ago, one of our best friends was diagnosed with Leukemia. It was totally out of the blue. The guy was a linebacker. One of the biggest, fiercest guys you’ve ever seen. None of us could believe it. He went through the harshest treatments but he never stopped fighting. He kept talking about the future in a way he’d never done before. Guys don’t talk about getting married and having kids. We don’t talk about what kind of house we want to buy and what kind of wife we want to meet. He started to tell people about his long term dreams; all the places he wanted to visit. He made it through, baby. He smashed that illness. And you know what, he has everything he talked about. He didn’t wait to get the life he wanted. He’s married with a baby now. And a smaller house than he was dreaming about, but who gives a fuck about that?”

I close my eyes and float for a bit, enjoying their touch and the clean, natural scent of the grass we’re lying on. I think about my dreams. I’ve been talking about teaching for a while. Mom has been really pro that choice because it’s such a reliable income and she knows what it’s like to be a woman on her own with limited options for earning decent money. The thing is that it isn’t my dream. I know that. It’s a safe choice and maybe that’s a good thing, but it doesn’t set my heart on fire. What I want to do is write; not the romance novels that I love to read but graphic comics and maybe illustrated books for middle grade kids.

I’ve always thought about what it would be like to make the traditional family that I lost for myself. The ideal husband and two perfect kids. It’s what I thought I should want. It’s the right thing to strive for, after all. But then I think about what Carrie has and there is nothing traditional about that. She’s so damn happy and they’re such an unbelievably strong unit. For such a long time I’ve been fixed on Bryan and dealing with all these unrequited feelings. I know I care about him deeply. More deeply than I’ve wanted to admit to myself because it hurt so much. I don’t know if I can ever trust him with my heart because of what he’s put me through.

I know I have baggage from my home life. When your father is there one minute and gone the next, it’s impossible for those feelings of fear and loss to not carry through into adult relationships. Do I fear that trusting in one man will leave me open to hurt? Maybe that’s why Carrie’s set-up has appealed to me so much. Maybe that’s why the romance books that get me most in the heart are the ones where the heroine finds her multiple love and is cared for by two strong men. It’s the stability. The fact that even if one decides that she’s not enough, there is a back-up to step into the breach. I’ve spent so much time wondering what it would be like to be cared for by two men at the same time and now here I am.

“Why are you doing this?” I ask. I have to keep my eyes closed because it feels like such a big question.

“Doing what?” they ask in unison.

“Being here, with me.”

“Apart from the fact that you’re the coolest, sexiest girl that we’ve met in a long time, you mean?” Austin says. I can hear a smile in his voice that warms my heart.

“And the fact that you know your comics?” Jason says.

“Apart from that,” I whisper.

“The universe is a strange place,” Jason says dreamily. The weed has definitely made him mellow. “There is something about you, and about this moment that just fits.”

“Yeah.” Austin’s voice is breathy. I open my eyes and look at them both, and I realize that what they’re saying is exactly right. We don’t know each other well but being with them is more comfortable than anything I’ve ever found with a man before. Even my ex who I was with for two years and lost my virginity to was more ‘separate’ from me than the twins. It’s like there are fibers that links us.

“Do you believe in fate?” I ask.

They both nod. “We weren’t supposed to go out the night we met you. Bryan had asked us to go to a party but neither of us felt like it. We were sitting in the pool house, watching a movie. Austin started to fidget, which he never does. Then he told me he felt like hitting a club.”

“That’s not like me at all,” Austin says shaking his head in a bemused way.

“He’s a real home body,” Jason says, grinning. “It’s always me that’s dragging him out into society.”

“So you came to the Red Devil,” I say.

“Yeah. We were only there for five minutes before you came in. I said to Austin, check out that girl with the pretty hair. He knew I was talking about you right away. And I knew something was going to happen that night. I can’t tell you why, I just did.”

“You know, I thought you were Bryan at first.”

They both smile. “Yeah, we kinda guessed that after we found out you knew him. I guess it was our lucky day, huh?”

“Best result from a case of mistaken identity ever,” Austin says.

I close my eyes again and drift a little more. The background noise seems to be getting louder as the sun disappears. A distant thought that I should be getting home to mom flits through my brain but it disappears as I feel someone drape a blanket over me.

A little later I wake up in Jason’s arms. He carries me to the car and sits in the back with me. I’m so damn tired that I lie with my head in his lap and drift. I hear the twins talking about Bryan and try to focus on what they’re saying. I catch something about him not answering his phone. Austin says he’s being a fool for not fighting for me. Jason agrees. And in the midst of everything, my heart breaks a little more.