Josh and I began texting each other after I bailed him out of jail, which was something I never thought I'd say. I bailed my goddamn crush out of jail. Look at me now, Mom.
I was worried about him. Obviously, he was going through shit that I was not even close to being equipped to help him with, but A) he didn't want to talk about it and B) I just really wanted to make out with him again. Selfish, I know, but teenage boy hormones or whatever the fuck were eating away at my brain and my guts.
I was glad that I had Liv to talk to about everything, even if she couldn't truly understand what I was going through. And I couldn't even begin to understand what Josh was going through, so basically it was the blind leading the blind. What could go wrong, right?
Though Josh and I occasionally crossed paths at school, we were still essentially strangers publicly. However, now, when we made eye contact in the hallways, Josh didn't look away; a small smile would sometimes appear on his face and disappear just as quickly, almost as if I had imagined it.
As much as I hated the secrecy and hiding, I had to admit it was exciting. Scary, sure, but also exciting, knowing that I had a secret in the form of one of the hottest guys at Clareview High.
Sometimes in between classes, I would send a text to Josh. Simple things, like asking how his day was going.
This was new territory for both of us, so it was difficult to navigate the situation, particularly for Josh, who I could tell was still anxious and unsure. We hadn't set definite plans to hangout and when/where we'd hangout, and I could only be so patient.
Wednesday evening, I finally made the first move and asked him to hangout.
Where? he asked.
Idk, you could come to my house, I told him. We could "study" together.
Josh gave an unequivocal no, so while I Googled ways to come out to homophobic parents, Josh stayed just far enough in the closet that he was out of reach.
***
Thursday evening, Josh texted me and asked to meet up before school in the parking lot the next day. So, at 7:30 AM on Friday, Josh climbed into the passenger seat of my car. The familiar scent of laundry detergent and some sort of woodsy-smelling cologne filled my car.
He gave me a soft smile. "Hey."
"Hey," I said back. "What's up?"
"Uh, not much." He shifted as I looked over at him, continuously breaking eye contact like he was trying to look anywhere but at me. He was nervous.
"Um, you okay?" I let out a nervous laugh, like his obvious discomfort was rubbing off on me.
"Sorry." He finally met my gaze and smiled. "I just...I don't know how to do this."
"Do what?" I started worrying that he was breaking things off before they'd even gotten started.
"Like, talk to you...sober. I don't know." The last word was punctuated by a brief laugh.
Tentatively, I reached my hand across the small space between us and gently rested it on top of his hand. I panicked that maybe I made him more nervous, that he'd yank his hand away from mine, but instead he turned his hand so his palm faced up and laced his fingers through mine.
"I like you," he blurted out suddenly, breaking through the silence. "I'm sorry, for-for being this way and for not saying it before or making it more obvious, but I do." He squeezed my hand as his brown eyes peered into mine. "I want to come over. Tomorrow, maybe?"
I blinked as I took a moment to process. "Um, yeah. Yeah, okay." I smiled at him. "Also, you don't have to apologize. I don't want you to feel like I'm pressuring you or anything."
"You're not." Josh pulled me towards him and, after checking to make sure no one was in the vicinity, leaned forward and kissed me.
I was so surprised by his sudden affection that I let out the smallest gasp as our lips met.
After he pulled away, his eyes searched my face and a smirk appeared on his face. "You okay?"
I cleared my throat. "Yeah, just, uh...you caught me off guard. That was..." I swallowed "...hot."
Josh laughed, a rare moment of genuine happiness that made me smile even if it was sort of at my expense. "See you tomorrow, yeah?"
"Yeah. Yes." I pointed a finger gun at him as he got out of my car and immediately wanted to punch myself in the face. Then, I texted Liv to tell her everything.
***
I had gone back to work at the café the week before, so after my morning shift, I texted Josh just to triple check that he still wanted to come over. I felt kind of like a puppy desperate for his attention, despite him telling me that he liked me and that he wanted to hangout. It wasn't like it was one-sided or anything, but part of me felt like Josh was out of my league, that I was lesser than.
I kept trying to convince myself I was, I don't know, worthy of love or some dumb shit and hoped I'd believe it by the time he got to my house.
When I told my parents a friend was coming over to study, they both assumed it would be Liv.
"No, it's, uh, Josh Brooks?" I offered up his name, assuming they had heard about him like the rest of the town in connection with Charlotte. "I'm tutoring him in physics," I added quickly when they both gave me a weird look, even though Josh wasn't taking physics.
"I'm glad you're helping out the poor boy," my mom said, to my relief. "He's been through a lot."
"Yeah, for sure..."
An hour later, Josh arrived wearing his backpack, as I'd instructed him to. Devil's in the details or whatever.
"Hi, Josh," my mom greeted him in a tone mixed with pity and condescension. I shot her an annoyed look, which she either didn't notice or chose to ignore.
"Josh," my dad said in that gruff dad way, sticking out his hand.
Josh looked a little bit like a deer caught in headlights. "Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Hill." He shook my dad's hand while I gave him an apologetic look.
"Well, we have a lot of studying to do, so..." I said, making a motion for Josh to follow me to the stairs.
Thankfully, my parents let us go up to my room. I shut my bedroom door behind us just in case.
I turned to Josh and just kind of stared at him, unsure of what to say. He gingerly took off his backpack and set it on the floor. He looked around my room, which I had cleaned obsessively earlier that day.
"Not what I was expecting," he said finally, breaking the silence.
"What were you expecting?"
Josh shrugged and walked over to my bookcase. My heart was beating fast as he inspected my collection of books.
"Divergent?" He looked at me. "I never read the books, but the movies sucked."
"I know," I responded, my body flooding with relief that the awkwardness was dissipating. "Butâ"
"Theo James?"
I grinned. "I mean yeah, but I'm actually more of a Miles Teller guy."
"Of course you are," he said.
"But, like, pre-Top Gun glow-up Miles Teller. He looks kind of...I don't know, basic now?"
Josh let out a short, low chuckle, an amused smile on his face. "Who was your first celebrity crush?"
"Ross Lynch," I replied.
"Austin & Ally?"
"Obviously. Meanwhile, my parents assumed I'd had a crush on Ally."
Josh nodded his head.
"Who was yours?" I asked.
"The first crush I remember having on a guy was probably Adam DiMarco. You know, the hot guy from the second season of White Lotus who wasn't Theo James."
I nodded. "What was the first thing you saw him in?"
"He was in this one Disney movie with Zendaya. I think it's called Zapped. Highly underrated."
It was my turn to laugh. "Oh my god, I remember that movie. The one where Zendaya controls men or whatever?"
"Yeah, that's it."
"I love Zendaya," I said. "The last Spiderman movie was so good."
"You probably have a crush on Tom Holland, don't you?"
"No!" I faked a look of indignance, but then added, "Okay, maybe a little. But Thor is objectively the hottest Avenger."
"All the Avengers are hot," Josh replied. "Technically Killmonger wasn't an Avenger, but Michael B. Jordan might be one of the hottest guys alive."
"Facts."
Josh and I sat down on the floor. I opened up my physics book and we each had a notebook in front of us in case my mom decided to come in unannounced. I took out my phone, connected it to my Bluetooth speaker, and started playing a playlist at a low volume.
"Who was your first crush in real life?" Josh asked suddenly.
I looked at him and, very sincerely, said, "You were."
Josh looked at me, a surprised look on his face. He opened his mouth to speak, but then didn't say anything.
I started laughing at his obvious speechlessness. "No, I'm fucking with you. It was some kid in 6th grade who moved away."
Josh rolled his eyes, but then his face lit up. "Wait, are you talking about James Miller?"
"Yeah, he was a short king."
Josh let out a laugh of incredulity. "Oh, my god. You have a type."
"What are you talking about? You're tall." I raised an eyebrow at him.
"No, you're into soccer players. James and I played soccer together. Also, everyone was short in 6th grade."
I rolled my eyes at him this time. "Coincidence. That's not my type."
"Then what is your type?"
"Miles Teller, obviously."
Josh smirked in response. "Oh, yeah?"
"Sorry you had to find out this way," I told him. "I have impossible expectations."
"So, did you know you were...gay in sixth grade?" he asked, changing the subject. There was a hint of something in his eyes when he asked it. Possibly...insecurity?
I thought for a moment. "I mean, I don't know if I really fully knew it. I knew there was something different about me when it came to girls, but I guess I didn't truly identify it until, like...9th grade?"
Josh nodded.
"What about you?"
"Um," he scratched the back of his neck, "I guess...not long before I came out to Charlotte. Like, I always felt a certain way towards guys, but I thought it was...I don't know, jealousy? And then later I realized I didn't want to be them, I wanted to be with them."
"I get that. It was kind of similar for me." I smiled at him.
The next song that started playing on the speaker was "Scrawny" by Wallows.
"You should queue 'Toosie Slide' by Drake," Josh said, nodding at my speaker.
I made a face of disgust. "Really? Why?"
"Just do it."
I did, and after "Scrawny" was done, the song came on and Josh knew every goddamn word. I was cracking up the whole time. "What the fuck? Just...why?"
"Dude, when you tell your friends Drake is your favorite artist, you have to commit," Josh responded, laughing.
"I tell my friends I like Post Malone but I literally only know Circles, Sunflower, and I Like You, but I only know that last one 'cause Doja Cat's featured," I said.
"Okay, Sunflower is unironically a good song, though."
"Oh, totally," I replied as "Prophet" by King Princess started playing.
"Is this King Princess?" Josh asked me.
"Yeah. A, um, a friend put me onto their music." I conveniently left out my (very brief) history with Miles. It just didn't seem like something I needed to share at the moment, considering things were going well. I made a mental note to tell Josh about Miles later, and then I crumpled it up and threw it into the very back of my brain.
Josh nodded slowly. "Charlotte used to be obsessed with the song 'Talia.'" A small smile appeared on his face. "She used to literally scream out the chorus when we listened to it in the car." He laughed at the memory, but then his demeanor quickly changed. A guilty look spread across his face, as if he just remembered he was supposed to be sad about losing her.
"You know," I said gently, "you can talk about her, if you want. Charlotte. You could, like, tell me about her."
Josh shrugged and looked down at the floor. "I don't know. Sometimes, I just get, like...so angry." He took a shaky breath. "How could she just leave, without a note or a goodbye or anything? And then I feel so fucking guilty because I shouldn't be mad at her, and then I...I don't know, I start spiraling, and I just want to do anything to make it all stop."
I thought for a moment about what it would be like if I lost Liv. She was my person, someone who I shared everything about myself with. I thought it would be like losing a part of me. How does someone ever fully come back from something like that?
I put a hand on his knee and moved closer towards him. "Your feelings are valid. There's no right way to grieve, I guess. I mean, not that I would know, but...I'm here for you. No matter what."
Josh put his hand on mine and looked at me. "I'm worried I'm bad for you."
I raised my eyebrows at him. "What are you talking about?"
"I mean, I'm worried that I'm going to, like, suck you into all of my issues and brokenness."
He looked down, and I reached my hand out to his chin to turn his face back towards mine. "You're not broken, Josh. You're just...mending."
Josh and I stared at each other for a moment. We'd been slowly inching closer to each other, so now we sat just a few inches apart. At almost the exact same time, Josh and I both leaned forward and kissed.
Time went by too quickly, and a couple hours later my mom yelled up to us from downstairs, "Is Josh eating dinner here?"
I looked at Josh, who shook his head. "No!" I shouted back.
"I should probably head home anyway," Josh told me. "Otherwise my mom will start texting me nonstop."
"Okay, yeah."
Josh stood up and reached his hand out to help me up. I grabbed it, and he helped me up and immediately pulled me into a hug. We hugged for about 10 seconds until he pulled away, but we still remained only an inch apart. "Thanks," he said quietly.
"For what?" I asked. Since Josh was almost half a foot taller than me, I had to look up at him.
"For everything," he replied. "For, um, inviting me over. And calling me out on my bullshit. And...you know what? I'm gonna stop myself before I say something cringey."
"But...I love cringey."
Josh rolled his eyes and said, "For, uh, helping me realize...that things for people like us get better. Or whatever."
I smiled at him and put a hand on his arm. "Same here." Then, to ensure I ruined our nice moment, I couldn't stop myself from saying, "So, does it go...right foot up, left foot slide or left foot up and right foot slide?"
Josh doubled over laughing. "You're never gonna let that go, are you?"
"Absolutely not."