As our lips met, I melted into the moment, inhaling slowly. His lips were soft as they gently parted to make room for mine. I felt one of Josh's hands gently combing through my hair, while the other traced along my jawline.
Just as quickly as it started, though, I knew I had to put an end to it, so I pushed him away from me, hard. "Stop," I said, my voice coming out strangled. "Stop doing this to me."
Josh leaned back on the passenger door, looking at me, a hurt expression on his face. "I don't..."
"You're hurting me," I said, spitting out the words. "You keep...pulling me in and then pushing me away. And I keep letting it happen because apparently I hate myself. Well, I'm done. I'm done being your makeout buddy when you're drunk and lonely."
"I'm not drunk anymore," Josh said. "I mean, maybe a little, but...I-I want to...kiss you when I'm sober. I want to kiss you and, like, hangout with you all the time."
"But tomorrow you'll probably tell me to forget about it," I shot back.
Josh stared at me, not saying a word.
"Aren't you tired?" I asked him. "Aren't you so tired of this and all of the secrecy and the pretending and shutting everyone out?"
"Tired?" Josh let out a short, bitter laugh. "Tired doesn't cover it. I'm exhausted. Of everything. Of everyone."
"Then why don't we just...stop?" I threw my hands up in an exasperated manner. "Can't we just be real and honest with each other?"
"It's...complicated," he responded, looking down at his feet.
"Don't you think I understand that?" I asked.
"No," he said. "You don't understand. I mean, my parents would probably kick me out if they found out I was gay. But there's...it's more than that."
"You barely say more than two words to me," I replied. "Can't you help me out a little? Get me to understand?"
Josh looked out the windshield at the parking lot we still sat in and let out a long sigh. When he looked at me, tears had begun to well up in his eyes. "It's because of Charlotte. It's a long story."
I stared at him for a moment. Finally, I sighed and said, "You can tell me. I'm not gonna judge you or anything."
Josh looked conflicted for a moment, but then he began, "Basically, Charlotte and I were friends. We came out to each other a couple of years ago. We were a lot closer after that, and our parents were always saying shit about how we should just date each other or whatever, and...you've probably gathered that the us dating thing was just...like, a cover. It was easier that way. I don't know."
He paused and wiped his eyes with his jacket sleeve. "Charlotte hated hiding that she was gay. She already struggled with depression, and this only made it worse. I kept telling her that it was only temporary, and that one day we could be ourselves. She sometimes used this app for lesbians, and she started lowkey hanging out with this one girl from another school. But someone from the girl's school saw them holding hands and stuff one day over the summer, and...well, you know how rumors spread around here."
I kept my hand on Josh's arm as he spoke, not saying anything. Josh paused and took a breath before continuing. "Charlotte was freaking out about it. But then she thought maybe it was for the best and she should just come out. But her parents...they're unsurprisingly super homophobic, and she was worried about what they'd do if they found out, not to mention everyone at school. So she came to me, asking me what she should do. And I..."
Josh's voice broke and his eyes teared up again. "I fucking told her not to say anything! I told her it'd just be easier to pretend for a little while longer. I thought it'd be easier for both of us, but I think I was just being selfish. It would've been easier for me. It was like a couple weeks later that she killed herself. And I hate myself everyday because of it."
Josh continued crying, struggling to get the words out.
"Connor, I can't...come out. After she killed herself, most of the rumors stopped, but..." He took a shaky breath. "I need to keep pretending. For now. For her, for her family. It's easier for everyone to just forget about it. I don't want people talking shit about her like they knew her if they found out we'd been faking or whatever."
"I'm sorry," I said, finally speaking. "I'm really sorry that you've been going through this. But it's not your fault. You can't blame yourself for wanting self-preservation in all the hate and assholes we're surrounded by."
"I was the only one who knew what she was going through. I was her lifeline. And now she's gone! How is that not my fault?" He spat the words out like they tasted bitter.
"Do you really think this is what Charlotte would've wanted?" I asked. "Do you think she would want you torturing yourself to protect something that we shouldn't even have to keep secret in the first place?"
Josh sniffled and looked down at his feet while he wiped his nose. "I don't know. Probably not. But if this is what I have to do...until the waters calm or I move away or something, then I'm fine with that."
"Look at yourself!" I exclaimed, gesturing at him. "You're dying and you don't even realize it."
"Seems a little hypocritical seeing how you're not exactly eager to come out to everyone."
"I didn't say you should come out," I told him. "I think everyone should be able to come out on their own terms and on their own timeline when they're ready. I'm just saying you shouldn't have to make yourself miserable because of this. You wouldn't have been on Grindr if you were fine with living this way."
"So...what?" he asked. "Where do we go from here? 'Cause you should know by now that secrets always get revealed one way or another."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"I mean, if we started...hanging out secretly or whatever, it wouldn't stay that way. It's inevitable."
"Then I guess we're back where we started." I couldn't keep the annoyance out of my voice.
"Do you think this is easy for me?" he asked, his voice full of anguish. "Do you think I want to be like this, so guarded and careful all the time? I hate it. I want to get closer to you, and sometimes it's so fucking hard to stop myself, but I just can't let myself do it."
I stared at him, a little shocked at what he'd just admitted. All this time, he'd been going through basically the same thing as me, but for him it was more complicated. "So is this it?"
"I don't want to date you," Josh said, a serious look on his face.
"Good," I replied defiantly. "I don't want to date you, either. You're an asshole."
At this, a smirk spread across Josh's face, and then he let out a low, brief chuckle. "Yeah. Yeah, I guess you're right."
I tried keeping a straight face, but the entire situation suddenly felt so absurd that I let out a small laugh.
"You wanna hangout sometime?" Josh asked, looking over at me.
"Yeah, I do," I said. And just like that, the matter was settled.
"And by the way, just since we're being honest..." I paused before continuing. "Well, Liv was technically the one who bailed you out because I'm not 18 yet, ya cradle robber." I let out a nervous, uncomfortable laugh. "So, yeah, she kind of knows...everything, including the whole gay thing."
I bit my lip as I watched Josh process the information I just sprung on him.
"You...told her?" he asked slowly.
"Yeah, also the police officer said you should get a good lawyer becauseâ"
"Don't change the subject," Josh interrupted me. He sighed. "Is she going to tell anyone?"
"No, of course not," I answered quickly. "No, Liv's cool. Actually, she's the best. Trust me." I smiled reassuringly at Josh.
He smiled back, but his smile didn't quite reach his eyes.