The next day, Friday, rolled around painstakingly slowly. I was desperate to see Josh, even though I knew I couldn't say anything to him for fear of scaring him off. I'd gotten another message from him the night before that said, Who are you? Why did you ask me that?
I'd simply replied, Just curious. I considered saying that I went to Clareview, too, so that we'd be on more even ground, but even that wouldn't make up for the fact that I knew the profile's real owner.
It was both exciting and guilt-inducing to know a secret about him. But there was the distant possibility that I'd been mistaken. After all, he had been in a relationship with Charlotte.
That day at school, my mind continued to wander back to the Grindr profile. In AP Lang, I was so caught up in my racing thoughts that Liv asked me if I was okay.
"What? Yeah, I'm fine," I replied.
"You have a weird look on your face, Connor," she said, looking at me quizzically.
"I just...really think The Great Gatsby is a mind-blowing book," I said, trying to play it off.
"Oh, really?" Olivia smiled coyly. "The Great Gatsby, huh? You do realize we finished that yesterday, right? Were you not paying attention the entire time?"
"Oh, yeah, I know. I'm just...still thinking about it."
Olivia laughed. "You're so stupid."
During Spanish, my inability to focus got me in trouble with Mrs. Hayes. She apparently asked me to answer a question, probably because it looked like I was listening, and Jake had to elbow me to get my attention.
I realized Mrs. Hayes, along with the entire class, was staring expectantly at me. "Ah, lo siento. ¿Cuál es la pregunta?" (What is the question?)
I cringed at Mrs. Hayes's look of disappointment. "Número cuatro, señor Connor."
Jake, surprisingly, came to my rescue and pointed to the answer in his own textbook, which I then repeated to Mrs. Hayes.
I half expected her to tell me I was wrong, since Jake wasn't exactly academically inclined, but she nodded her head and moved on.
"Thanks," I whispered to him.
"You owe me," he whispered back, a mischievous glint in his eyes.
Despite him saying it playfully, I had no doubt he was being 100% serious.
***
After school, I decided to try to message Josh on Grindr again. He hadn't responded since my last message, but his profile showed that he'd been online 52 minutes ago.
So, ignoring all of the gay panic rising in my chest, I typed a message that said, I go to Clareview.
With a shaky finger, I hit send.
Miraculously, minutes later, Josh replied: Who are you? Are you trying to mess with me?
Yikes.
I definitely couldn't tell him who I was. I didn't want to scare him off by telling him I knew who he was. What the hell was I supposed to say now?
No, I swear I'm not trying to mess with you, I messaged.
His profile showed he went offline.
I buried my head in my pillow and screamed. Why did I have to grow up here?
***
The weekend passed without another word from Josh.
After church on Sunday morning, I overheard a conversation my parents were having. Though my parents were at the very least problematic, I believed that they loved me. But I always wondered if their love for me would change if they found out that I was gay.
"Did you hear about the Hastings kid whose parents go to our church?" my mom asked my dad.
"No," my dad responded. "Which one? The younger or older one?"
"The older one," my mom answered. "Apparently he's a homosexual."
"Geez," my dad said. "What a shame. That's what happens when you let your child attend those liberal arts colleges."
"I guess he's stopped talking to his family altogether. This is why kids need religion in their lives."
I had to force myself not to roll my eyes or yell at them about how ridiculous they were being. How could they believe that someone would choose to be gay when there are people like them out in the world? Someone would only subject themselves to this kind of prejudice if they really didn't have any other choice. That's me you're talking about! I wanted to scream. How can you be so cruel?
Instead, I texted Liv and asked if she wanted to hangout.
10 minutes later, I was out the door and on my way to her house.
I pulled into the driveway. Liv's house was a light blue colonial style home. It had a porch that spanned the front of the house with regal white columns, adorned with an American flag. God bless America, right?
Liv and her family's dog, Charlie, met me at the front door. Charlie was a Yorkshire terrier who was as old as time. He hobbled around their house aimlessly, often bumping into furniture because he was blind in both eyes, and he required medication twice a day to stay alive.
I once asked Liv why they didn't just put him down at this point, and she got upset, telling me I wouldn't understand because I'd never had a dog. I then told her that it seemed cruel to keep him alive and that if I was Charlie, I'd beg for someone to put me out of my misery. That was definitely a mistake, since I had to bribe Liv with ice cream to get her to stop being mad at me.
"You okay?" Liv asked as she ushered me into the living room.
"Yeah, why?"
"I don't know. You look upset."
"It's nothing. Just my parents being annoying."
"Oh, my god," Olivia said in a whisper. "I feel that. My mom literally went through my phone last night when I was in the shower. She saw a boy's name pop up on my screen and scrolled through all our messages. It was just my lab partner asking about the homework." She rolled her eyes.
"How does your mom know your passcode?" I asked.
"She made me give it to her when she bought my phone. She's a freak."
I would have died if my mom did that.
We sat down on the couch. Liv's mom walked through, smiling warmly at me. "Hi, Connor."
"Hi, Ms. Warren."
Liv's parents had been divorced since she was little. Apparently it was quite the controversy, considering most people in the area are devout Catholics and don't believe in divorce. Liv's dad was still in the picture, but barely, so Liv also used her mom's maiden name.
Her dad had since remarried and had other kids with his new wife. I knew Liv held a certain amount of resentment towards him because he was very involved in her half-siblings' lives but not hers. She rarely talked about it, though.
"Did you eat lunch already, hon'?" Liv's mom asked me.
"We're okay," Liv answered quickly before I could say anything.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, we're good," I said.
"Okay, well I'm off to meet up with the girls," her mom said, grabbing her purse. "I'll be back in a couple of hours. Love you."
"Love you, too," Liv replied as her mom walked out the front door.
"So, your mom knows your passcode, but lets you stay home alone with a boy?" I questioned.
"My mom loves you. If you knocked me up, she'd probably throw us a baby shower. Especially because I've told her multiple times I'm never having kids and she wants grandkids way too badly. Probably 'cause she'd get a do-over in parenting."
I inwardly cringed at the thought of having sex with Liv. It lowkey bothered me how Liv could say that so nonchalantly. Did it mean she wanted to have sex with me? Or was the idea of us being together so ridiculous that saying something like that meant nothing to her?
Before I could even think of a response, Charlie walked into my leg. I leaned over and pet him gently. "Hey, Charlie."
Saved by the blind dog.
"You know," Liv said, "homecoming's in a couple of weeks."
"It is?"
I honestly hadn't really thought about homecoming. I didn't really care about school events, especially dances. They usually just ended up making me feel sad, watching all of the straight couples together, so carefree. It wasn't like I could go with my crush, not that anyone I'd ever had a crush on would want to go with me anyway.
"Yeah, dummy. It's October 12th." Liv paused and tilted her head to the side. "You don't wanna go?"
"Um, I don't know. Are you going?" I asked.
"Well," she said, looking down, "I kind of assumed we were going together." You had to give her credit; Liv was bold. "You know, 'cause that's what we usually do."
Liv and I had gone to homecoming together the past three years, which didn't help with the dating rumor. We always went as friends, but lately it didn't feel like she wanted to be just friends.
She put her hand on my arm. "We don't have to. I could go with, like, Jake or something."
I didn't want to lead her on by going to the dance with her, but I also didn't want to hurt her feelings by not going with her. "I'll think about it," I said.
"Okay." She smiled at me. "No pressure. Oh, by the way, did you hear about what Josh Brooks did on Friday?"
Hearing his name caused me to perk up, but I tried to hide my interest behind a façade of indifference. "No. What'd he do?"
"Apparently he overheard someone saying something about Charlotte, like calling her a lesbian or whatever, and he blew up and punched the kid in the face."
My mouth dropped open. "Seriously?"
"Yeah," Liv said, "but I guess he's not getting suspended or anything because the principal feels bad for him. Crazy, right?"
"Yeah, crazy."
Was it possible both Josh and Charlotte were gay?
I had to continually remind myself that Josh didn't even know who I was, so I had to stop myself from getting my hopes up. There was a possibility if he found out it was me, he'd be disappointed.
It's not that I didn't think I was good looking. I knew I was attractive in my own right, but I certainly wasn't athletic or very popular. Besides my grades and test scores, I was pretty much average in all regards.
I also, once again, felt a pang of guilt for keeping secrets from Liv.
Why couldn't someone just put me out of my misery?