I took my chances and tried to message Josh again Monday evening: I thought maybe you were in high school. Sorry. I'm not trying to mess with you or anything.
I didn't think he'd actually respond, but about an hour later, he replied.
Josh: Okay...
What are you up to?
Josh: Watching a movie. Hbu?
Watching Tiktoks because I'm terminally online.
Josh: I don't have Tiktok.
Wtf do you do when you're bored, then?
Josh: I workout. Or play FIFA.
You sure you're not straight?
Josh: Lol.
I'm pretty positive.
Fair enough. What else do you do for fun?
Josh:Â Listen to music. You?
Same. And binge watch TV.
Josh:Â What music do you listen to?
...mainstream pop.
Josh:Â Basic.
Don't hate!
Josh:Â I'm jk. I listen to pop, too. And indie. And alternative.
We get it. You're too cool for me.
Josh: Uhh, I highly doubt that.
What's something you've always wanted to do?
Josh: Leave this town and never look back.
Same tho. It sucks, right?
Josh: Fr.
Tell me something you've never told anyone else.
I looked at my phone, contemplating. He didn't know who I was and probably never would, considering how much of a coward I was. So, I finally hit send.
I feel like I'm suffocating in my own skin. Like, the whole just waiting til high school is over to "be myself" feels almost impossible everyday.
It took him a few minutes to respond. When he did, relief washed over me.
Josh: I feel exactly the same way.
As we messaged each other, I found myself smiling at my phone like a dumbass. Soon, however, reality began to sink back in. We were probably only hitting it off because he didn't know who I was. The anonymity had lost its edge; I wanted to tell him who I was, to actually spend time with him, but I was too afraid to do anything about it.
For now, I hid behind my anonymous profile, desperately wishing I didn't have to.
***
Over the next couple of days, I tried to think of different ways I could get closer to Josh without coming off as a total stalker. I considered joining the soccer team and having a Heartstopper moment, but I hated running. Also, I didn't know anything about soccer.
I wasn't sure what other extracurriculars Josh was involved in.
I didn't do extracurriculars. I wasn't much for sports, I had no artistic or musical abilities, and all the clubs at Clareview High seemed lame. My English teacher once tried to get me to join the creative writing club because she really liked a paper I turned in, but half of it was actually written by Liv. (We'd made a trade-off that she'd finish writing my paper and I'd do her math homework.)
So, really, my only in with Josh was messaging him on Grindr or speaking to him in person, which had not gone well so far because of my inability to not say or do stupid shit.
My secret obsession with Josh was festering. I longed for some reality in which I could talk about my crushes with friends.
He hadn't responded to my last message on Grindr yet. I debated double messaging, but forced myself to chill. It wouldn't do anything anyway; Josh was unattainable on several levels.
On Wednesday morning during first periodâAP CalcâI left class to go to the bathroom.
I found myself coincidentally washing my hands in the bathroom sink next to Josh. We washed our hands in silence, until I finally mustered up the courage and said, "Hey."
Josh responded, "What?" in a tone that sounded annoyed.
I swallowed and then said in a barely audible voice, "Nothing. Just saying hi."
Josh frowned, turned to me, and then asked, "Do you have something to say?"
I saw that with Josh's 6'something height compared to my 5'9 he was pretty intimidating. "No, nothing," I said quickly. I looked down at the floor while I grabbed paper towel.
"Seriously, what?"
I finally blurted out, "Are you...bi?"
Shock flashed across Josh's face, followed by what I perceived to be panic. Then he looked angry, his eyes narrowing, face reddening. "Why the fuck are you asking me that?" he growled, his jaw clenched.
He balled his hands into fists, his knuckles whitening from the pressure. I noticed deep purple bruising across his right knuckles and remembered what Liv had told me about Josh punching someone on Friday. I instinctively recoiled, fully expecting Josh to deck me in the face.
"Answer me!" Josh took a step towards me.
"Sh-shit, I...I don't know!" I gasped, still flinching. At that point, I wanted to punch myself in the face at the inconceivable idiocy of my big, fat mouth.
"I swear to Godâ"
Before he could even finish his threat, words started spilling out of my mouth involuntarily. "I was on Grindr and someone had messaged me and when I messaged them back I heard someone's phone make the Grindr notification sound, and then I saw you the other day while I was working and I thought maybe it was you, but clearly I was wrong and I'm sorry!"
I didn't even pause to breathe as a torrent of confessions poured out of me in a matter of seconds. I finally took a breath, waiting for Josh to hit me.
From the way he glared at me, I was pretty certain he hated me. "Are you fucking with me or something?"
"No! I'm sorry! Forget I said anything."
"How am I supposed to just forget about that?" Thankfully, his fists unclenched as he pulled out his phone. A moment later, he thrust his phone in my face. On the screen was my Grindr profile. "Is this you?"
I swallowed and hesitantly nodded my head.
"Shit." Josh's posture relaxed slightly, and now he looked more panicked than furious. "You can't tell anyone, Connor."
Maybe he actually did know my name? "Why would I tell anyone?" I asked.
"I don't know. To...mess with me."
"Well, how do I know you won't do the same to me?"
"Your profile doesn't even have photos on it," he retorted. "All I could do is start a rumor."
"I think you know what happens with rumors around here."
Josh gave me a look that basically said touché. "I guess we'll just have to trust each other, then."
"I...guess so."
Josh looked like he was about to say something else, but instead he turned and walked out of the bathroom.
Idiot, idiot, idiot.
I splashed cold water on my face before returning to class, trying to ignore the flurry of emotions bombarding me.
***
I wanted to avoid Josh the rest of the week, but it seemed as though once our lives became intertwined, it was now impossible to disentangle. Our paths kept crossing, whether it was in the bathroom, while we were entering or leaving classrooms, or in the hallways. We never said anything to each other, which only made the run-ins more awkward.
Once, when we were both again washing our hands next to each other in the bathroom, Josh kept glancing over at me. I watched him in the mirror; he looked like he wanted to say something but never did. I had to ignore how fast my heart was beating so that I wouldn't say anything else to him I'd end up regretting.
Since Liv and I had two classes together, it was impossible to ignore her not-so-subtle attempts to get me to decide if I was going to homecoming with her or not. Honestly, I didn't want to go, and I felt that maybe if we did go together she'd take that as a green light to ask me out or something. I didn't want to put her through that.
So, I pulled Jake aside at lunch on Friday and told him that he should ask Liv to homecoming.
"Aren't you going with her?" he asked me.
"No," I said. "I'm not going this year."
"Why? You guys always go together."
I'm well aware. "It's just..." I tried to find a believable excuse he wouldn't question. "Homecoming's lame."
"True." He nodded in agreement. "But it's also the one time a year we can get trashed at Isaac's house."
Isaac Johnson was another senior at Clareview whose parents, for seemingly unexplained reasons, were always out of town around homecoming time, so basically he threw our town's best attempt at a rager every year.
Deeply religious high schoolers surprisingly drank a lot at parties, but none of them could handle their alcohol. I went for the first time last year, and it was not an ideal situation for a closeted gay. Luckily, I didn't get so drunk that I spilled all my secrets. That's the stuff of nightmares.
"Yeah, I don't know," I responded. "Maybe I can just meet up with you guys after the dance or something. But I do know Liv would like to go with you."
"Don't you two have a thing going on?" Jake asked.
"What do you mean?"
"Like, you and Olivia aren't dating, are you?" Jake gave me a look like, I don't wanna get in a love triangle, bro.
"Nah, dude," I said in my best bro voice. "We're just friends. She's like my sister."
Jake grinned and did that thing where straight guys go in for a handshake and then pulled me in for a half-hug (a little gay if you asked me). Then he said, "Just checking, bud."
I let out an awkward half-laugh.
"How should I ask her?" Jake asked. "Like, should I just text her or...?"
I thought for a moment about my best friend's personality. Liv was very outgoing and seemed like the type who'd want the full shebang, with a poster and shit. She'd never gotten that from me before because going to dances together was just something that was always implied between us.
"You gotta do the whole thing, like a promposal," I told him.
"Ah, shit," he said. "You have any ideas?"
"I don't know, man."
"C'mon. You owe me, Connor."
I knew he was referencing the other day in Spanish, but I decided to play dumb. "For what?"
"I came in clutch with Señora Hayes, dude."
"Um, I don't know, Jake. She likes Stranger Things. Do something with that. I don't really care."
Thinking about the fact that I'd never get to do any of the typical high school stuff with my crush or a boyfriend made me angry sometimes. Why couldn't I do those things with a guy? What was so wrong about that?
My mind also wandered to Josh. I imagined us going to prom together and holding hands and doing all the dumb stuff high school couples did together.
Yeah, I had it bad.