Chapter twenty five

Kayla is nerves.

I can tell by the way she bites her lip and plays with her hands as if  they can be her only redemption. She keeps running her hands through the strip of purple in her hair and she sighs every five seconds as if holding her breath is too much.

I grip the steering wheel harder as I try to navigate through the snow. When it snowed in Michigan it was enough to make you wish you never had to see the outside world again.

People all around huddle into their heavy coats and kids jump into slush puddles, laughing when snow lips at their boots and soak their jeans.

I snuggle deeper in my sweater, trying to not to comment on Kayla’s nerves as I focus on the road ahead of me.

But when she starts to run her hands over her knees back and forth, so many times I’m scared she might wear a hole in her jeans, I finally talk.

“Don’t worry Kayla. Everything is going to be ... okay.” I wanted to say fine. That everything was going to be perfectly fine, but I can’t. I remember how I broke that one promise to her about our grandpa and I wasn’t about to revisit the past.

I was about to go back on a promise I can’t keep.

The truth is I know everything is not going to be okay. Sure I can hold out hope but even that was futile to hope for.

I just knew the moment my mothers eyes landed on Kayla there was bound to be a snide comment. And with a snide comment came confirmation from both ends.

I just wished for once I could be the butt of her ridicule, but that spot was reserved for Kayla.

I reach over and squeeze her knee with reassurance. We could do this. We have lived with my mom for nineteen years. What makes this any different? But when Kayla looks up at me I can see she was thinking the same thing that kept sneaking it’s way into my mind.

Things sadly were different. Rather we wanted to acknowledge it or not.

We haven’t been home for months now and I think the time away as made her and I see a different understanding of the way the world works.

We have kind of matured in a way and even if Kayla was still the same reckless person she was when we were still in highschool, for some reason it’s just different.

I shake my head. I really needed to stop worrying about things that I just couldn’t change. Maybe I needed to take a vacation or something. Who knows? For all I know maybe our mother has changed too. Maybe time away from us has changed her for the better.

I’m looking forward, trying my hardest not to run my car into the trucks tailgate in front of me, when I hear the familiar chime of my phone. I frown and glance down at it laying on the counsel and when I go to reach for it, Kayla beats me to it.

“Give it back.” I try to reach for it again but she holds it away from me, her hands pulling up the text message on my screen. I try to focus on her and the road at the same time but it turns out harder than I realize. Sighing in annoyance, I bring my hand back to the steering wheel and give it a little squeeze.

“Who in the hell is Nick? Wait...”

She frowns, moving her eyes away from my phone and back to me. I grimace a little under her scrutinizing gaze and try to just focus on the road.

Yeah, that turned out harder than it looked.

“He’s that guy from England isn’t he? Kelsey, what the hell are you doing?” Her eyes turn into one of concern and I take the moment to snatch my phone.

She doesn’t see it coming and she jerked in surprise and the phone slips from her hand. I catch it before it can fall and my eyes scan the screen quickly.

When I see the message, my heart sinks.

I knew this was going to happen. I knew the moment I agreed to go to that stupid event Nick would think more of it than what it really was. But since I was caught up in the ‘Julio’ thing, I wasn’t really concerned with his feelings.

Now I feel like an ass. No scratch that, I was worse than an ass for using him like that. I press the brake at a red light and rest my head on the steering wheel. Oh Karma was an evil little thing sometimes.

I vowed a long time ago I would never be one of those people who used others for her own gain. My past is a major reason for that. I knew what it was like to have your feelings played with and I never wanted to be the one on the other side.

But now, look where I was.

No, I’m not saying I broke Nicks heart. Far from. But it was still wrong to do that to him. I let out a deep breath at the same time a car blows its horn behind me. I quickly pull myself out of my self-pity and put my foot back on the gas pedal.

I would deal with Nick when break was over.

I didn’t want to tell him how I felt over the phone. Trust me, I have been on the other side before and nothing is worse than knowing the person you cared for, or in this case liked, didn’t have enough courage to say what they had to to your face.

Kayla must sense something is up because I feel her press her face to my shoulder. “You know,” She mumbles into my shirt,

”Things for once are going good. For you and me. You know what that means right?” I roll my eyes and try to focus on the road and not her head still laying on my shoulder.

“Please don’t feed me the ‘when things go good, something is bound to go bad’ crap.” I take a sharp turn and Kayla jerks away from my shoulder, mumbling about how I was a worse driver than her. That was really unlikely. Kayla was pretty much the worst driver in the history of, like, ever.

“Actually, I was. It is like the Mays curse. Whenever something good happens in our family something bad usually comes along. Remember when aunt Melinda found out she was pregnant? Not even a month later her and uncle Richard got a divorce.”

“Kayla,” I say, shooting her a quick glance. “Aunt Melinda was cheating on uncle Richard. The kid wasn’t even hers.”

“Well, he had to have found out some way.”

I let out a deep breath. “Yeah, because she told him.” Before she can say anything else, I raise my voice.

“Besides, we haven’t done anything bad. All we have to do is get past the next week and a half then we will be home free. Literally. We can survive that long.”

She doesn’t say anything and when I look over I see her picking at a thumb nail. She must feel my eyes on her because she looks up and then back down just as fast.

“You have no idea what it’s like.” She whispers and even though she says it quietly, I can hear the anger in her voice. Surprisingly, instead of being angry too, I feel sorry for her.

“I know I don’t. And I never really realized that till now.” She peeks up at me through narrowed eyes. She drops her hands and lets out whim of hard laughter.

“No, you don’t. You are always the perfect one. The one mother loves to bring around and talk about wherever she goes. She praises you. I was never good enough for her. Do you know how hard it is to know your mother can’t even stand looking at you? I remind her too much of the man she was never able to control and that sickens her. It makes me wish I never stayed.”

Her words makes something snap in me. No, I didn’t get it, but she didn’t understand it either. She didn’t understand how hard it was for me.

Anger coils it’s way from my stomach and spreads through my body.

“You know what Kayla, no. I don’t get it. But you don’t understand what it was like for me. Do you know how hard it is to be perfect? To make sure I do everything the way mother wanted them to be done?”

I shake my head, angry tears threatening to spill. I would not let her get the upper hand in this battle. No, for once I was going to tell her how I feel.

“I envied you. You were allowed to leave and do whatever you wanted. I spent most of my life trying to make sure mother had someone to control so that way she didn’t snap. I have spent my whole life being the daughter she wanted. No, she needed. So yeah, Kayla, I get it. Your life sucked. Well let me tell you, mine wasn’t all peaches and butterflies. At least you were able to live dammit! So don’t even go there. No now”  I roughly swipe my hand under my eyes and try not to look at Kayla.

Deep down I knew this was going to happen one day. She needed to get her anger out somehow and I knew I was going to be the one she put all of it on. And dammit, did I feel bad. But with all that guilt also came a hot rage.

Yeah, she was right. Mother did treat her unfair and I tried my hardest to make sure mother had other things to worry about then Kayla.

It was unfair to her as much as it was unfair to me. I didn’t ask to be the perfect daughter. The same way Kayla didn’t ask to be the non perfect one.

God, our lives were so messed up.

It’s quiet for a few moments and then I hear Kayla let out a deep laugh. At first, I think she’s hiding tears or something, but no. This was a god honest laugh.

I cut her a sharp look and I see her shoulders shaking with the force of her laugh. I raise an eyebrow at her, wondering if she was finally cracking under the pressure.

If she was, I might actually jump out of the car and take my chances with the asphalt.

When her eyes search my face and she sees the look laying there, no doubt confused and shocked, her laugh gets louder.

And somehow thats makes me even more angry.

“This is not funny!” I shout, my resolve fading faster than water through a drain. My God, who knew I could get angry so fast. Kayla sits up straighter, stifling more laughter. When she finally sobers up, I lock my jaw.

“What the hell could be so funny?!” I say under my breath and what comes out of her mouth almost makes me hit the brake in surprise.

“The whole time you were talking, I just couldn’t help but picture moms face when you introduce her to Julio.”

“That’s what you got from everything I said? The way mother might have a heart attack when she see’s Julio? Are you serious?”

Okay, it might be a little funny. But I had no ambition to bring Julio to my house anytime soon. Hell, we weren’t even dating for christ sake.

“No, no. That came out wrong.” She takes in a deep breath and runs her fingers through her hair.

“After you were talking I realized how much it must of sucked for you too. Then, I realized it didn’t matter. God Kelsey, none of this matters anymore. So what? We go home, moms the usual bitch she is, but you know what? Who cares! We don’t have to deal with it anymore. Right now is just a glimpse at what our future is going to be like. We can escape anytime we want and God does it feel good. So, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I never understood what you felt. Yeah, I might still be pissed about it, but like I said, over time, it’s really not going to matter anymore.”

And she was right, it really wasn’t going to matter anymore. Soon I would be living on my own, no longer under our mothers nose. I will be able to live the life I want and do whatever the hell I pleased.

I wouldn’t have to worry about what she or anyone else thought. I would be living my own life. And damn did that make me happy.

All the leftover anger from going off on Kayla fades and I laugh just she like she did earlier. “So,” I say, pulling into our neighborhood. I see the familiar two story house that was ours and I flash Kelsey a scandalous smile.

“What do you think would happen if I ever brought Julio home?”

She shoots me a wide look and her lips twitch at the side.

“I suggest you call 911 beforehand. Because, sister, I have no idea who will end up the dead one when that day finally happens.”

And sadly, she was deadly right. Either my mother will have heartattack by just showing up or she would try to stab him for stealing her daughters innocence.

Yeah, that’s one fight not even Julio would be able to win.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Our mother waits on the front porch for us.

Her light brown hair is twisted up in a tight bun and her mouth is in a tight line. Her white gloved hand curls around the half open door and the pearls around her neck glisten in the setting sun.

The minute her eyes land on my black car, her eyes narrow where she expects Kayla to be sitting.

Kayla stiffens next to me and I take her hand, giving her a reassuring squeeze. When she gives me a small smile I tell her the same thing she said not even give minutes ago.

That all this isn’t going to matter. That all we had to do was make it through this and we will have our freedom back. When I’m done talking, she gives me a little squeeze back and drops my hand, running her fingers through her hair.

When I put the car into park, I let out a shaky breath. “Well, here goes nothing.” I mumble under my breath as I pop my door open and make my way outside.

I put my hand over my eyes to block out the sun and watch my mother shut the door all the way behind her and  make her way down the driveway, her heels clicking on the cement.

Of course, she hugs me first. She wraps me up in her arms and the familiar smell of raspberries is enough to make me want to hug her back.

As much as my mother had her faults, no matter how big they were, I still missed her more than I would like to admit. I squeeze her back, trying not to mess up her perfectly made clothes.

She pulls back fist and lays a gloved hand on my cheek. “I assume the trip was eventful?”

I nod my head and she pats my cheek, nodding. She turns away from me and her gaze lands on Kayla almost reluctantly.

Kayla absentmindedly runs her hands back and forth over her tote bag, a nervous smile on her face.

“Hi, mom.” She says timidly, her eyes meeting our mothers and then the sidewalk. Our mother bristles next to me, her eyes landing on something covering Kaylas wrist.

“I see you got another tattoo. Was one not trashy enough for you?” I let out a surprise breath and Kayla freezes in front of my mother and I close my eyes.

Obviously I have been too busy with other things that I didn’t notice the new addition to my sisters skin.

When I open my eyes, I see my sister turn from the timid little girl that was there a minute ago to nothing but hard stone. She meets mothers gaze head on and a muscle tics in her jaw.

“And I see you’re still the same mother you were when I left. Is being an ice cold bitch still your number one occupation?”

My mother doesn’t even flinch at Kaylas words. Instead, she gracefully brings her gloved hands behind her back.

“Of course not dear. My first occupation is making sure my daughter doesn’t turn into some low paying prostitute. Now are you going to come give your mother a hug, or are you going to act like an irrational child?”

Kayla meets my mothers calm voice with a harsh smile. “I think I would rather rot in hell. Thanks though,”

Without another word, she pushes past my mother and stalks to the door, slamming it hard behind her. The minute Kayla is out of sight, my mother lets out a ragged sigh.

“I will never understand her.” I don’t say anything as I head around her and go for my bag. I should leave it how it is. I never jumped in before when Kayla and my mother had their fights, but for some reason, this time just feels different.

“Maybe you should try being a little more nice.” I tell her, wrapping my hands around my bag and pulling it over my shoulder. When I close my door I look up and find her staring at me.

Surprise fills her features.

“Not even my kindness would help that child. I tried to give her the best life and what does she do? Spit it back in my face. At least one of you were grateful enough.”

“I am grateful, I truly am. But mom, Kayla is just.. different. Maybe you should try to understand her side of things instead of-”

“Absolutely not. I will tolerate that kind of behavior.”

“But,” I try again, but my mother cuts me off before I can even start. “That’s enough.”

I snap my mouth shut and bite my tongue to keep from saying anything else. Instead, I follow her form as she heads back inside.

“For Thanksgiving I invited the Hastings over. I deemed it fitting to actually have company this year. It has been rather lonely here without the two of you.” I don’t say anything again and she doesn’t expect me too.

Instead, she keeps talking.

“I’ve talked to your father about joining us, but again he refused. I swear that man is just itching to make me snap.”

She continues to talk and I continue to follow, only half  paying attention. It was odd being back home even though I have only been gone for a few months.

The same polished floor stares back at me and the overly big flowers flowing out of vases makes me want to sneeze. The smell of raspberries and cleaning supplies brings me back to the times I use to sit in my room with Mia and Kayla, trying to come up with some stupid adventure.

I start to run my hands over the small hold Kayla made in the wall when we were ten and my phone suddenly buzzes in my pocket.

I frown and pull it out and hope it’s not Nick again.Maybe Julio? I haven’t heard from him since that time in the classroom with Mr. Clark.  When I see Mia’s name though, I smile and click on the message.

Big news. Meet me as my house ASAP!!!

Yeah, it sure felt good to be home.