Chapter 32: Running After Regret

What do I do now?

I wiped at my nose and sniffed. The tears were warm on my cheeks. They rolled down and down as my thoughts went wild.

Should I run after him?

Should I tell him to stop?

Or should I just let him go?

I wondered if I could do anything to change the situation. James had always been stubborn. It was hard to get him to change his mind and even harder to get him to talk about his feelings. But I’d gotten through to him before, and I could do it again. When he left, he seemed more emotional than rational. Perhaps he wasn't thinking clearly in the heat of the moment. Maybe, given time to reflect, he would change his mind and make a different decision.

Or maybe he didn’t like me anymore.

Maybe he had grown tired of dating a fat girl. Maybe he didn’t like my double chin and the rolls around my waist. Perhaps he had finally seen me for what I feared I truly was: a fat chick unworthy of his affection.

I closed my eyes and pictured my body. My stretch marks were ugly. My stomach was far from flat. My thighs had so much cellulite in them. At that moment, all my old insecurities resurfaced. I forgot about the self-worth and self-love I had.

It wasn't just my physical flaws that bothered me. Maybe James had realized I was nothing more than a pathetic pushover. Maybe he saw that I was too weak-willed to stand up for myself. The thought twisted like a knife in my gut.

Stop.

Where was all this self-hate coming from? I needed help. I needed to talk to someone. And there was one woman who was always there for me, no matter what.

With trembling hands, I reached for my phone. My fingers flew over the touchscreen as I dialed my mom's number. Each digit seemed to stretch out into an eternity as I fought to steady my shaking breaths.

Come on, Keily! Keep it together.

Finally, the call connected, and I pressed the phone to my ear.

“Mom? I… I… I… n-need,” I couldn’t even get the words out!

“Okay, Keily, take a deep breath,” my mom said. I could tell she was alarmed and fighting to keep her voice level. “Breathe in.”

I breathed in.

“Breathe out.”

I breathed out.

“Okay, now tell me what’s going on,” Mom said. It sounded like she was moving around. She must be nervous. I had scared her.

"I... I need you," I managed.

“I’m right here.”

I wiped at my tears.

“Talk to me. What’s going on?”

“It’s James,” I managed to choke out. “He fainted because he was tired and stressed out. And now he wants to drop out of college. He... he just left, Mom. I think... I think we broke up.”

A sharp intake of breath sounded through the phone, followed by a long silence as my mom processed my words.

“Oh, sweetheart,” she finally said, her voice laced with concern. “I’m so sorry. Take another deep breath, darling. Everything’s going to be okay. Where is James now?”

I paced around.

“He is on his way to the bus station. I don’t know what to do. Are James and I just not compatible? Are we too different from each other?”

Talking to my mother was slowly calming me down.

“Well, maybe you can learn from my relationship with your father. Just think about how opposite he and I are.”

She’s right. They couldn’t be more opposite if they tried.

“Remember all the times that Dad woke up at the crack of dawn to go for a jog while I was still snug in our bed?” Mom chuckled.

I do. Mom was an evening person and dad a morning one.

I nodded, even though she couldn’t see me.

“Yeah, and then there’s his obsession with being productive in the morning, while you’re just stumbling around trying to find the coffee pot,” I pointed out.

Mom laughed, and I could picture her shaking her head fondly. “Exactly. And then there’s me, staying up late into the night with my nose buried in a book while Dad’s already snoring away on the couch.”

I can’t help but laugh at the image. “It’s like you two are living in two different time zones under the same roof.”

“But you know what, sweetie?” Mom’s voice turns serious, but still filled with warmth. “That’s what makes my relationship with your dad so strong. Opposites attract.”

“James and I are opposites,” I said. My tears had dried. “He likes sports and I like musicals. He enjoys tacos and I enjoy pasta. He is very social and I am more shy. He is outgoing and I’m a bit more introverted….”

Gosh, the list could go on and on.

“You two fill in each other’s gaps,” Mom said.

I sat down, taking in her words.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

“Dad and I might not always understand each other’s habits, but we respect them. Dad lets me have my quiet evenings, and I let him have his early mornings.”

Maybe mutual respect and good communication were what kept a relationship going. James and I haven’t been communicating very well.

“And that's how we’ve managed to stay so close all these years,” Mom continued. “When you’re in a relationship, you don't have to do everything together. It's okay to grow in different directions. That doesn't mean you have to break up.”

I rubbed my eyes.

“Each of you can grow into your own person while making your relationship as strong as it’s ever been,” was her final advice.

I tilted my head to the side as I thought about it. Mom was right.

I realized, with a pang of guilt, that I’ve been selfishly fixated on creating the perfect college experience for myself and my boyfriend. But I did this without considering if it’s what he truly wanted.

In my pursuit of my own dreams, I’ve inadvertently neglected his.

James had poured his heart and soul into making my ideal dream life a reality. He’d bent over backward to fulfill my every whim. But in doing so, he’s sacrificed his own wants and needs. He’d worked himself to exhaustion just to keep me happy.

I suddenly felt very determined to make things right.

“Keily, are you still there?” Mom asked.

I smiled, feeling grateful for the wisdom she’s sharing with me. “Thanks, Mom. I needed to hear that.”

“Anytime, sweetheart.”

As I thanked Mom again and hung up the phone, I was going to fix this. I couldn’t let this moment pass without taking action.

Where were the car keys? In my panic, I turned over pillows. I looked under the bed and on the key rack. We had misplaced them. And I really couldn’t waste more time looking for them.

I ran out of the house.

It was so very dark outside, but that wouldn’t stop me from going to James. Neither would the cold rain that soaked through my clothes. Each step feels heavier than the last, but the thought of reaching James drove me forward.

I began running faster than I ever have in my whole entire life.

I knew what I had to do.