Nine

Right. Left. Breathe. Right. Left. Exhale. Even though soccer conditioning doesn't start for another week and a half, there's too much on my mind for me not to run today. I had even managed to convince Gwen to tag along, which she isn't happy about, but she joins me anyway.

Lately, there's been this relentless ache in my chest, and it hurts to breathe. I know what's causing it, but I refuse to admit the truth to myself. I refuse to admit that, maybe, if I just told someone, it would at least take some weight from my chest.

I glance over to my best friend. I can tell Gwen. She should be the first person to know. If I come out to anyone else, and it somehow got back to her, it would hurt her a lot. But how on earth do you even start that kind of conversation?

"How's you and Darian?" I pant in between steps.

She just sighs. "Could be better."

"Why?"

"He's just... a guy. I mean... I know we're best friends... but..." She exhales heavily. "He gets so awkward sometimes."

I can't help but laugh to myself.

"Give him time," I tell her. "To adjust."

We round the block of our high school and return to the student parking lot and head for the locker room. Unfortunately, I hadn't been able to sort through anything in my head, but at least the run had distracted me for a short while.

We walk toward the locker room, but not before someone sprinting around the track catches my eye. It's Jamie, of course, kicking up dirt as she makes her way around the track.

"Damn," Gwen says. "She's fast."

I watch her tall legs propel her thin body forward. Muscles protrude, her skin glistens, and her hair swings from side to side. She looks magnificent. I wonder why she hasn't tried out for track, or any sports, for that matter.

Then she meets her goal. She slowly brings herself down as she jogs around the rest of the track. The look on her face says she's satisfied, but there's something else there. Something... sad.

In my trance, I hadn't realized Gwen had started for the locker room. I quickly catch up with her.

"You didn't want to say hey?" I wonder.

Gwen shrugs. "I just..."

She stops. I'm confused as to why she's suddenly gotten weird. My skin turns cold. Could she possibly suspect that I...?

"Just... what?" I press while I begin to change clothes.

"I'd rather change before she comes in here."

I feel my heart stop. Did Gwen really say that? The look on her face alters.

"God, that sounds so bad," she confesses.

"Uh, yeah. It does."

"It's not that I don't like Jamie." She quickly slips on sweatpants. "It's just... I know she's gay and we get pretty naked..."

I'm appalled that my best friend is saying this. If this is how she really feels, I can only imagine how she'll react if I ever told her the truth! I've seen her naked plenty of times, for Christ's sake! And I had never once thought anything of it.

But as much as it infuriates me, I keep my mouth shut.

"I don't think of it that way, I guess."

That's when Jamie herself walks through the locker room door, chugging from her water bottle. When she's done, she gives us a quick smile and a wave before heading for her own bag. Gwen is done changing and is searching of her car keys. I find myself wanting to hang back.

"Are you coming?" Gwen asks me.

"I'll see you tomorrow," I say. "I've gotta talk to Jamie about our art project."

Jamie overhears the lie, but Gwen doesn't suspect anything. She shrugs, hugs me goodbye and leaves the locker room. The pain in my heart grows. I know Gwen is a good person, and she isn't homophobic, right? She's so accepting of everyone! Yet, I can't seem to wrap my head around what she had just said to me.

"Art project, huh?" Jamie jokes. "Guess I missed that announcement."

I face her. All she has on is a sports bra and the spandex that had been under her running shorts. Heat runs through my body at the sight. If my mind weren't such a mess from Gwen, it would surely be from the sight of Jamie. It takes me a second to realize I need to respond to her.

"Uh, y-yeah I just..." God, why am I such a mess? "I needed a moment away from her."

Jamie looks at me with a concerned expression. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," I lie.

She isn't buying it but refuses to press me. Her phone vibrates in her bag, and when she checks it, the look on her face lets me know it's bad news.

"Great," she mumbles.

"What?"

"My mom can't pick me up right now."

"She's your ride?" I ask.

"Yeah." Jamie rubs her forehead. "You think a forty-five-minute walk is too much?"

"I can bring you home."

The words leave my mouth before I can think about them. I blame it on the fact that Jamie still hasn't put a shirt on. I force my eyes to stay above her neck.

"Are you sure?"

She's hesitant. I can't blame her. Ever since the conversation about Jacki, there's this obvious negative tension between us. Of course, Jamie constantly hanging out with Jacki doesn't help the situation either, because it gets to me, and hiding it is more difficult than ever.

"Sure." I grab my gym bag. "It's on my way home, anyway."

She realizes this is her chance at a free ride and quickly gathers her things. I start for the exit to the locker room and attempt to hide my nerves. Being alone with Jamie always has a way of making me feel things I'm not used to feeling.

But despite the fact, I really like it.

We climb into my car and I start on the road. At first, it's uncomfortable silence, up until she decides to break it.

"So, why'd you lie to Gwen?"

I should've known better than to bring Jamie into this. I should've just said something else, but no, I'm a moron. How am I going to explain this and not upset her? Would she think of Gwen differently like I did?

I drum my fingers on the steering wheel. "She uh... she just said something that I didn't expect her to."

I make the mistake of glancing over at Jamie. Those curious eyes are locked on me. They're all but glowing from the sun's reflection on my dashboard. Thin strands of hair surrounded her face, making her natural beauty more prominent. My heart thuds against my chest at the sight.

"Like what...?" she asks.

I hesitate to answer.

"I mean, you don't have to tell me. I can just tell you're really upset about it."

"Have you ever had a straight best friend?" I blurt. "That knew you were gay?"

It's scary how easy it was to say that aloud to Jamie, but there's no taking it back. I pray she doesn't read into it too much.

"My best friend back home is very straight," she informs.

"Did she get... weird when you came out to her?"

Oh my God, Peyton, what are you doing?!

Jamie sighs. "A little. We had to talk about a lot. I mean, we shared just about everything."

"Like...?"

"Like, I had to tell her I was not at all attracted to her. Physically or emotionally. That I literally looked at her like a sister," Jamie explains. "I don't know why, but a lot of straight girls have this delusion that gay girls want any girl that crosses their path, and it's just absolutely not true."

I want to explicitly agree but feel that would be too much information.

"So, lesbians have a type, too?" I joke.

"Of course," she says. "I have a type. Everyone has a type."

I glance at her and meet her stunning gaze. She has a teasing smile on her lips. I feel my heart shake inside my chest.

"I mean, don't you... have a type?" she wonders.

I feel my cheeks heat up as I laugh nervously at her question. There are many girls I find attractive, but none of them significantly stand out. Not like Jamie does. I try to focus on the features I tend to appreciate but can only formulate a picture of the girl sitting beside me.

"I don't know," I answer.

"You don't know?"

"Nope."

"Well, what does your ex look like?"

My ex. God, how the hell am I going to tell Jamie I've never even dated anyone? She wouldn't look at me the same if I tell her that.

"They uh..." I stammer. "Well, the funny thing is, I'm always so busy-"

"You've never had a boyfriend?"

I roll my eyes at the word.

"No, I've never had a boyfriend."

"A girlfriend?"

"I've never been in any type of romantic relationship," I confess.

The car falls silent. Like, dead silent. I'm massively embarrassed. My face grows hot and I'm too afraid to look at Jamie. She probably thinks I'm such a loser. As I silently burn with humiliation, I pull up to her house.

"I mean, the virgin thing wasn't surprising, but that's..."

I angrily look at her. "Seriously?"

"You just seem like such a good girl, I'm sorry!" She laughs and throws her hands up in defense. "But I just figured you would've at least dated someone."

My body is on fire as my hands grip the steering wheel and face forward. I can't even look at Jamie anymore.

"But you know, it also makes a lot of sense." Jamie unclicks her seat belt. "You also seem like the kind of girl who doesn't put up with bullshit, and relationships can be a lot of bullshit."

I want to tell her the reason I've never been in a relationship is because no one knows I'm attracted to girls. That no one, not even my best friend, knows I'm gay, and that makes it awfully difficult for me to possibly have a chance at dating anyone.

"Yeah," I lie. "I guess that's right."

We fall silent again, but Jamie doesn't move to leave my car. What is she waiting for? And why am I so damn nervous?

"Do you want to come inside?" she asks. "I know it's weird but, I kind of hate being home alone, and mom won't be home for another hour or so."

I just stare at Jamie in disbelief.

She shrugs. "It's taco night. You can stay for dinner if you want...?"

A chance to be alone with Jamie? This is the opportunity I've been hoping for but was previously too afraid to grasp. Something inside of me quivers with excitement. I unbuckle my own seatbelt.

"Sure," I agree. "I love tacos."