Twelve

After almost a month and a half of sitting on this mural, it feels good to finally start. Now that the wall is taped, primed, and ready to go, working on my idea becomes a lot easier.

I trace over the painted brick with a color pencil, mapping out how big I want my piece to be. The idea had come to me the day I had dinner at Jamie's house, and it had been stuck in my mind ever since. Now I'm determined to bring it to life, but it'll take time because of my tight schedule.

I plan to work on the mural every day during fourth period, but I know it'll most likely take time outside of school as well. Prioritizing the mural this time of year is important because of soccer season later on, but if I stay on track, I can finish it on time.

It isn't until I'm about thirty minutes in when I hear footsteps approaching. Excitement overwhelms me at the thought of it being Jamie. I turn around eagerly, only to meet focused, brown eyes that are certainly not Jamie's. Jacki studies the wall with a condescending smile on her face. What the hell does she want?

"An artist, too?" she wonders aloud. "Peyton Kelly, you're just a walking talent."

"Do you need something?" I counter.

"I was just hoping to get some before pictures..." She flashes her camera. "Y'know, for yearbook."

Right. Jacki was the head yearbook editor. Suddenly, her visit doesn't seem so random.

"Alright. Sure."

Jacki snaps some pictures of the wall, each from a different angle, and then focuses her attention back on to me.

"Could you keep working on it, for a few action shots?"

I oblige, but her presence has a way of making me feel on edge. There's tension, and it doesn't feel good. I secretly hope that she's almost done.

"That's good," she finishes, studying the pictures she had just taken. "I guess this'll be one more thing to add to your list of accomplishments, huh?"

Her comments are passive aggressive, of course, and I can't help but notice. A part of me wants to engage in the conversation and ask what her problem is, but then another doesn't have the time or energy to even care.

"It'll be an even better accomplishment when I win," I answer before returning to my work.

This gets Jacki to at least stumble and hesitate to find a comeback, which gives Jamie enough time to blindly walk into the conversation. She throws me a smile without even seeing Jacki who is standing ten feet away. Jamie senses the tension and her expression changes, right before she spots Jackie.

"Hey," Jamie greets hesitantly. "Did I walk in at a bad time?"

"Of course, not!" Jacki's overly cheery voice makes me cringe. "I was just bothering Peyton for some pictures for yearbook."

Jamie's gaze meets mine, but she doesn't say a word. There's something about her, Jacki, and me being in the same place that just makes me so uncomfortable. I don't like it. My face certainly indicates that.

"Peyton's confident she'll bring home the big prize," Jacki says.

Just the sound of my name coming out of Jacki's mouth makes me roll my eyes to another universe. There's acid on her tongue when she talks about me, and I know she's aware it bothers me.

"I'm confident she will, too," Jamie agrees.

I feel my cheeks heat up from comment. Jamie gives me a smile and a wink, and only for a moment do I forget Jacki's standing right there. I hear her grunt in disapproval.

"Well, she'll have to make a big statement." Jacki turns to Jamie. "Are we still on for our movie date this weekend?"

Movie... date? I thought Jamie and Jacki weren't involved? Jamie sees the shock on my face, but I've caught her, and the blood rushes to her cheeks. She knows better than to reject Jacki. Even I know that much.

"Y-Yeah," she stutters. "Sure."

Jacki smirks before looking at me, as if this means she's somehow won the exchange. I try my best to look indifferent knowing that she and Jamie have a date this weekend, but I have a bad feeling Jacki sees right through it.

"Good luck," she finishes before walking off.

I stay silent after she leaves and return to my work, ignoring Jamie. There's a burning in my chest knowing that she's still spending one-on-one time with Jacki, but I have no right to be angry because it isn't my place. I don't want her to see how upset it makes me either, because that would say too much.

"It's not a date, by the way," Jamie explains. "We're going with other people, and..."

"I don't care," I forcibly blurt.

I realize how harsh my response sounded, so I turn around and shove the anger and pain down to spare myself. Jamie looks hurt but doesn't know how to take my response.

"You can hang out with whoever you want, Jamie," I clarify. "You don't have to explain yourself to me."

She knows this. I can see it on her face. So why does she feel the need to? Why does she look so... guilty?

"I-I know..." She shrugs. "I just don't want anyone getting the wrong idea."

"The only one that seems to have the wrong idea is Jacki," I say. "You might wanna explain yourself to her instead."

Jamie's hurt expression makes me immediately regret saying that. Jesus Peyton, if it wasn't obvious that it bothers you, it sure is now! I mentally slap myself for saying that aloud.

"I guess." Jamie steps away from me. "I'll see you later, Peyton."

She disappears through the doors that lead back into school and I rest my head against the brick wall and squeeze my eyes shut. No matter how hard I try to hide how much hurt I'm in, I always seem to needlessly take it out on her.

It isn't her fault that I'm not out. It isn't her fault that she doesn't know I like her. It isn't her fault that I'm jealous of her and Jacki's relationship. It isn't her fault, but I can't seem to stop acting like it is whenever things like this happen between us.

I feel the tears well in my eyes. The pain seems to bubble and overflow, causing my throat to grow tight. I desperately want to tell someone. I want to tell Jamie, but I can't. I can't tell her and not my best friend, or my sister, or my parents. I can't seem to find the courage to release any of this pain, and I'm afraid it's going to kill me.

I look up at what little of the mural I had started. The lines are only half finished, but now I lack the motivation to start up again. Tears roll down my face as I pack up my things and run for the parking lot.

Keeping my sexuality secret had never been such a problem until now. Ever since Jamie had crashed into my life, things just continued to get harder, and I didn't know how to deal with it.