Sixteen

Jamie and I start repairing the mural the very next day. I'm surprised at how quickly I find the courage to face the mocking words, but probably only because Jamie is willing to stand next to me. She makes it easier to focus on the task at hand and see the potential for creating something better.

Mr. Z had even prepared himself to help by buying a large paint roller he had planned to use to cover up the profanity. Luckily, when I told him Jamie would be helping me from here on out, he offered it up to us to use, no questions asked.

"So..." Jamie stands up after pouring white paint into a pan. "Would you like to do the honors?"

She holds out the paint roller for me to take. I grasp the wooden handle and place the roller in the paint pan, coating it with white. Then, I lift it to the harsh words and begin to cover them up.

I had to admit, I'm still terrified this would all be for nothing. That whoever ruined my work the first time would be back, but hopefully now, with the police involved, they would at least think twice.

Mr. Z had told me surveillance had caught someone breaking into the school, but it was impossible to know who could've done it. The figure had been masked in black from head to toe, and had one goal the night they broke in, and that was to vandalize my mural.

Of course, they asked me if I had any bad blood with anyone, but I couldn't be honest. I'm senior class president. I'm the good guy. Why would I have any enemies? Besides, as much as I believed Jacki was behind it, it was wrong of me to accuse her without any factual proof, because what if it wasn't her? So, instead, I just kept my mouth shut.

"Just a few coats of this stuff and you won't even be able to see those words," Jamie states, pulling me out of my head.

"That's all we'll have time for today, anyway," I say.

I set the roller down and sit next to Jamie, who's preparing to play music on her phone. A part of me wants to tell her my theory behind the ruining of the mural, but another part is terrified.

In my head, Jacki had either manipulated or paid someone to do this. I already suspected that she knows I'm in the closet. Hell, she had grown up by my side for seventeen years. So, when Jamie, the cute, new girl from Chicago, blew Jacki off in front of me, someone she apparently couldn't stand, it was enough to fuel her to ruin something dear to me.

Motives remain fuzzy, but I figured Jacki was either trying to discourage me from coming out, or she knew I was afraid of such a thing and this was nothing but a threat to out me. I wasn't too afraid of the latter because she had no way to prove it, but if she was trying to discourage me, it was certainly working.

The only thing I had going for me was that every time Jacki tried to do something to hurt me, I still ended up winning, because now I got one-on-one time with Jamie. Every. Single. Day.

"So," Jamie starts. "What are your plans for the weekend?"

"Gibbs wants to have a bonfire," I tell her.

"Oh yeah, he told me about that," Jamie says. "Are you gonna go?"

"Yeah." I shrug. "After this week, soccer's pretty much gonna take up my weekends..."

"So, this bonfire..." She changes the subject. "Should I be prepared to get wasted like we did for the back-to-school bash?"

"No. It's gonna be more chill."

The conversation dies, and I desperately wish I could find something to say. Over time, it never got easier to be around Jamie, I had just gotten used to the constant ball of nerves in my stomach. Today, it feels exceptionally bad.

"Can I ask you something?"

I look at the brunette sitting next to me and study the contours of her face. She's wearing mascara today, and her eyes are unusually green due to the sunlight dancing around in her irises. For a moment I forget she's asked me a question.

"Sure," I whisper.

"Why...?" She hesitates, and then shrugs off the initial question she was going to ask. "W-Why... soccer?"

I narrow my eyes. "That's not what you were gonna ask me."

"Yes, it is," she lies.

"No, it wasn't."

"Was too!"

"Jamie."

"Fine." She exhales a deep breath. "I was gonna ask why you've never dated anyone before."

I just study her some more. Where had that question even come from? It seemed completely random.

I shrug. "Just never had the time, I guess."

She doesn't seem to buy it, but I decide it doesn't matter. I stand from where we're sitting and pick up the paint roller to put on another coat. Jamie huffs because, apparently, my answer isn't good enough.

"But usually people make time," she argues. "If they like someone enough."

"Well, then I guess I've never liked anyone enough to make time," I finish.

"No one?"

"Nope."

"So, are you saying you've never even felt attracted to anyone?"

I'm so glad I'm not currently facing Jamie, because if I were, she would be able to see the blood rushing to my face. There are many girls I had encountered over time who definitely... solidified the fact that I am attracted to girls. There was no doubt about that.

"I don't know..." I sigh heavily. "I guess?"

Jamie falls silent as I continue to apply another coat of paint. It would be more annoying that she was asking me this if I didn't like her so much, because let's be honest, it's frowned upon when a straight person did it to a queer person, so what made pressing me okay?

"What about you?" I wonder. "How'd you know you were gay?"

She laughs. "What does that have to do...?"

"What about a girl attracts you?"

There's a look on her face that says she's shocked, but also intrigued, by my question. She leans back against the wall and stares up at me.

"I like girls who are low maintenance," she says. "I love their natural beauty." She shrugs. "I love their voices, and their shapes..."

"Their shapes?" I mock.

"I love curves."

I just laugh. Most guys I know went for the girls who were a size zero and could still fit in children's clothing. Not to mention the stigma of staying small when it came to society's standards for young women. Unfortunately, I was never able to fit into a size less than a six due to my curvier figure when I hit puberty.

As I finish the second coat, I wonder if I should end this conversation with Jamie while I'm ahead. I take my place next to her on the wall and look over. She has this look on her face that I couldn't necessarily read, but it screams arrogance.

"Did that answer your question?"

"Sure." I try to sound indifferent.

She shifts next to me and extends one leg while the other pulls up for an arm to rest on it casually. The posture tells me she's comfortable and that she's enjoying the conversation, which means she isn't going to let it die.

"Do you have any more questions?"

I just give her another shrug even though deep down I have about a million of them. The tension in this room grows thick, and I am sure Jamie knows what that stupid smirk on her lips does to me. I can feel the fire in my body grow at the sight, and I frantically search for a way to extinguish it.

"So, if you like low maintenance, why'd you fool around with Jacki?" I panic.

Jamie doesn't like me mentioning Jacki, but it's the only thing I could think to say to save myself.

"We never fooled around."

"She would literally make out with you all the time."

"So?"

"So...?" I continue. "Why'd you do it if you didn't like it?"

Curious eyes study me, but she hesitates to answer. Again. There's something on the tip of her tongue. Come on Jamie, I think. Just say it.

"I was just bored, I guess."

It was such an underwhelming answer. I know it isn't the full truth, but it was what she was giving me. I check my watch and decide in about five more minutes I would add the last layer and call it a day.

"That answer sounded really bad," she says.

"Yeah, it did," I agree.

"I just..." She sighs. "Jacki's fun and all, but she's also distracting."

"What did you need a distraction from?"

Her eyes seem to accidentally find mine but refuse to hold my gaze. Once again, there seems to be a thought on the tip of her tongue, but she suppresses it.

"Nothing."

I frown but decide not to press her. I begin to paint the last layer while I wonder if there was a girl back in Chicago who Jamie still had feelings for. Was that why Jacki had become Jamie's go-to girl? Did she need someone else's attention to mend what she was missing back home?

I finish up the layer and step back. "That should be good, right?"

"Yeah," Jamie agrees while picking up her things. "Guess that's it for today?"

"Yep."

We bring back the supplies in silence, but I can't help but wonder what's on Jamie's mind. Had I unintentionally resurfaced memories she had been ignoring for the sake of her heart?

Then the bell rings and dismisses us for the day.

"See you tomorrow?" I ask.

"Sure," Jamie says, then she walks off without another word.

Suddenly, I have a feeling that Jamie has unchecked feelings for someone, and I had managed to bring them to her attention. It bums me out, because that means I have even less of a chance of grabbing her attention. Not that I believed I really had it at all.

But, as much as I want Jamie, I still couldn't find the will to tell her the truth, which means I never had a chance in the first place.