After rejecting Ivy's invitation to sit with her at lunch, our friendship seems to plateau. We talk in class, we're friendly with each other, but neither of us makes a move to go beyond that. I know it's definitely my fault, and I still don't know why I didn't take the opportunity to get closer to her when I had it, but I get the distinct feeling that it's too late to do anything about it now.
So. That kind of sucks. But I'm not actually that broken up over it, which is weird. I put so much time and energy into trying to get a girl to like me, and then I had it happen, and then I messed it up. You'd think I'd be beating myself up over it constantly, regretting all of my life choices and replaying everything I did wrong in my head over and over. But I don't. It's just kind of... something that happened.
I have definitely thought about the possibility that my relative indifference to the whole situation might be somehow connected to why I said no to Ivy. I mean, it makes sense. If I don't care that much about it now, then it's logical that my automatic response when she asked me to spend lunch with her would be to say no. Kind of? I don't really know. It seems to make more sense the less I think about it. If I try and actually come up with reasons, then it gets confusing. So I don't really think about it much. It's surprisingly easy.
Anyways. I start hanging out with Axel a little bit more. I mean, I don't abandon Keira and Cody. We never used to do much outside of school to begin with. But I do start to feel pretty guilty about it anyways, partially because my friendship with Axel feels a lot closer and deeper and more meaningful than my friendships with Keira and Cody. I feel like I'm kind of doing exactly what I was terrified that Keira would do to me. Which. Yes, definitely something to feel like a terrible person about, especially after the way I acted towards her because of it.
Ironically, I start to hang out more with Keira as a result of my increasingly close friendship with Axel. Because I feel guilty. Which might not be the best reason, but at least it's forcing me to build up my friendship with Keira.
I'm at her house, playing video games in her basement, when she brings up the topic of Axel. It seems completely innocuous, but it kind of puts me on edge. "So, how's it going with Axel?"
"Pretty good," I say, trying to be casual, then get scared that that's not enough information, so I add, "We're still hanging out."
"Nice. How's he doing?"
"Pretty good," I repeat, and immediately follow the exact same train of thought as last time but then can't think of anything to add.
"You've been hanging out with him a lot lately."
"Yeah." If I was on edge before, I'm halfway to terrified now.
"And... you enjoy hanging out with him?"
I start to sweat. "Yes."
She pauses the game and turns to face me, looking kind of expressionless. "Nash, is there something you want to tell me?"
I'm sure I look like a deer caught in the headlights. My eyes feel huge, but I can't seem to make them go back to their normal size, and I feel kind of frozen. "No. Why?"
"It's just that you get kind of tense whenever I bring him up. Like, you stop talking as much, and I can almost hear you overthinking every single move you make during the conversation."
I blink. Swallow. "Um. Sorry?"
"No, Nash-" she sighs. "You know you can tell me anything, right? I'm here for you, and I'll still be your friend and support you no matter what."
Talk about feeling guilty. I stare at her, feeling more and more overwhelmed by the second. "Um..." I feel a lump in my throat, and I barely manage to croak out, "I'm sorry."
"Hey, shhhh." She places one arm around my shoulders. "It's okay. I know how hard this must be for you. But I accept you, and I support you, no matter how you identify, okay? You know I'm not homophobic."
Wait- hold up. I blink at her. "Sorry, what?"
She frowns at me. "Did I say something wrong? Do you not know I'm not homophobic? I didn't mean to assume-"
"No- 'no matter how I identify'? What are you talking about?"
She furrows her eyebrows. "Alright, now I'm starting to think I've been misreading the situation. See, you've been spending a lot of time with Axel lately, and you've seemed kind of guilty around Cody and I, and you get tense anytime his name is mentioned, so I thought that you might... you know, be attracted to him. I mean, he's obviously an attractive guy, and you've always seemed kind of obsessed with him-"
"I'm not- no, I'm not gay. Axel and I just get along really well, that's why we've been hanging out so much. I'm guilty around you and Cody because I feel like I'm-" I wince. "Um, neglecting you guys. Choosing him over you. Basically doing the thing I was scared of you doing. That's why I've been so guilty and tense."
She squints at me. "You haven't been neglecting us. We still see you just as much at school. And just because you want to be friends with Axel doesn't mean you can't be friends with us, too. You don't have a set amount of friendship to give out, Nash. You are capable of being friends with all of us."
I blink. "Yeah, but... okay, yeah. Right. Um. Okay. Sorry."
She lets out a breathy laugh. "That's it? I thought you were so tense because you were gay and were scared to tell us!"
"No, I'm definitely straight. You've been lecturing me about looking creepy at girls forever, remember?"
"Well yeah, but you've stopped doing that since you started hanging out with Axel, and then you kind of sabotaged your own potential relationship with Ivy. It made sense that Axel might have been your gay awakening or whatever it's called."
"I started hanging out with Axel so that he'd teach me how to get girls," I remind her. "He's not my 'gay awakening'."
"Yeah, I know that now. But it made sense before."
"Okay. Well, I'm telling you now. I'm not gay. I'm very, very straight."
"I know. You don't have to convince me of your own sexuality, Nash. I believe you."
"Okay. Good." For some reason, I feel the need to keep arguing. To really make a case for my straightness, even though she's insisted that she believes me.
"Good," she repeats. "Are we good? I'm sorry for assuming your sexuality. And you're not neglecting Cody and I."
"Yeah, we're good. It's fine. And thanks."
But even once we get back to our game, I can't shake the feeling that I'm in an argument. I keep wanting to say more about how straight I am. And that's kind of scary, because I don't know what that means. Is that a normal reaction after someone questions your sexuality? Do straight people feel a deep, itching need to solidify everyone else's beliefs about their straightness?
... Am I trying to convince myself?
Or- my stomach clenches painfully- does that make me homophobic?
No. It's not that I don't want to be gay. If I was gay, I'm sure I'd be completely okay with it. Wait- would I, though? Well, I mean, it would just mean I'd like guys. Maybe I wouldn't tell people because I'd be scared of their reaction. But I'd tell Keira. And... maybe Cody? Definitely Axel- we could talk about gay things together, and even if I wasn't totally comfortable with being gay, then I'm sure talking to Axel would help me get there.
So I'm probably not homophobic. I'm just not gay.
Right?
â â
The next time I hang out with Axel is about a week later. Ever since my conversation with Keira, I've been unable to stop overthinking everything about it. Wondering if she was right, wondering what it means that I felt the need to keep arguing, and what it means that I still feel unresolved about the whole thing. Or maybe I'm not overthinking things, maybe this is a normal amount of thinking...? Great, now I'm overthinking my overthinking.
I think it's probably due to the stupid amount of stuff going on in my brain that makes me blurt out, "How did you know you were gay?"
We're on the way to his house, which means he's driving, which. I mean, clearly my timing isn't great.
"Not that I think I'm gay," I rush to add. "It's just that- I don't know, someone recently thought that I was gay and I keep thinking about that and wanting to- I don't know, argue. And I don't know if that means that I want to convince them or myself or if thinking about it this much means I am gay or if I'm- I don't know, secretly homophobic and I mean I swear I don't hate you or think being gay is wrong or that there's anything wrong with any sexuality, I'm just- I don't know, I don't know anything."
"Hey. Nash."
"What?" I'm breathless from my ramble from a few seconds ago. It feels like I let all of the thoughts from the past week out of my brain and now I'm just empty.
He shoots me a small smile. "You're not homophobic. Okay? I know what it looks like. You're not that. So you can stop worrying about that, at least."
I let out a deep sigh that kind of feels like the first actual breath I've taken since my conversation with Keira. "Okay."
"It makes sense to be a bit anxious if you're questioning your sexuality, or if someone else questions your sexuality, even unknowingly. Especially since you've been pretty confident in your straightness for your entire life."
"Yeah."
"That doesn't necessarily mean that you're gay, or straight, or anything. It just means that something you'd taken as a given for your whole life is being questioned. If someone asked if you were adopted by your parents after their first time meeting them, you might be a little rattled too. Even if you know you weren't, because there's always that second of natural, instinctual panic of 'what if I don't know'."
That actually makes a lot of sense. "Okay. Yeah."
"And if you've been thinking about this nonstop without saying it out loud to anyone, then your brain has probably been fixating on it and making it a bigger deal than it really is. So that doesn't mean you're gay either."
I take a huge inhale and exhale, already feeling so much better. "Right."
"I'm not saying that you're straight, or gay, or anything. I'm just saying that none of your reactions so far dictate your sexuality. What dictates your sexuality, is who you're attracted to and how. That's all."
I blink. That actually makes a lot of sense. "Oh."
One corner of his mouth quirks up. "Yeah. So, to actually answer your question, I know I'm gay because I'm attracted to guys."
I snort. "Really?"
"Hey, you asked."
I hang on to my sarcastic vibe for another moment, before softening and giving him a small smile. "Really, though. Thank you, Axel. That- all of that- makes me feel a lot better."
He glances at me and returns my smile. "Yeah, anytime. Just keep in mind that the only person who can truly know what your sexuality is, is you. And it's always easier to figure stuff out when you're not freaking out."
I roll my eyes, but I'm still smiling. "I wasn't freaking out," I lie.
He grins. "Whatever you say, Nash."
What do you think of the chapter? Thoughts on Nash feeling guilty for spending so much time with Axel? And Keira's assumption? How about Nash's conversation with Axel?
If you enjoyed this chapter, please consider giving it a vote or comment to let me know! Thank you so much for reading!