It wasn't the sun or the chirping birds that woke me up, neither was it the weight pressing down on me from either side; it was my phone vibrating somewhere underneath me and Chris.
I shifted and all three of us groaned. I was not looking forward to moving either. I was warm and cozy against cool morning air, but when I shifted, I felt something soft slide over my legsâa blanket.
My hand searched around between me and Chris and its when he let out a low groan that I realized I was moving around too close to his crotch.
I cringed sheepishly, barely moving my hand now to get my phone. When I got it and safely retrieved my hand, I said, "Sorry," lowly, my voice hoarse. My eyes barely opened to glance at his faceâhe was still sleeping, thank God.
"Hello?" I answered my phone, hardly looking at it.
"Good morning," my mom's voice came through the phone. It was too loud against the peacefulness going on, but I wasn't mad enough to ask her to lower it.
"Hi, mom," I said lowly, a yawn slipping out of me as I snuggled subconsciously into all the warmth.
"Sounds like you had a fun night," she said, but I was already slipping back into sleep.
I hummed. "It was okay."
"No drinking?"
"No, mom," I replied.
"Smoking?"
"No, mom."
"Are you hung over?"
I laughed lowly because I couldn't help it. She was the one who told me I could come to this party because I have enough friends looking out for me, and they assured her there wouldn't be a ton of people. Anyway, I promised her I wouldn't do any of those things. Goes to show her trust.
I slowly turned onto my side and the hammock swayed with the movement. I rested the phone on my ear then pulled the blanket up, over my head to block out the sunlight.
"Mom, I didn't drink or do any kind of drugs," I reassured her of our agreement. "And I practically fell asleep about three hours in. You just woke me up."
"Why are you whispering?"
I yawned again. "I'm not. I'm just tired." It wasn't a lie, but I didn't need her getting ideas if I told her I fell asleep between two guys. So the last thing I'm going to do is accidentally wake them up and have her hear them only to start asking questions.
She let me go back to sleep after promising to call me again in a couple of hours. I was dozing off again when something slid up my side then clutched my hip. Heat ran through me.
"Your mom let you come?" Chris said gruffly.
Trying not to let the sound of his morning voice deter me, I hummed at his question, trying to shake off his hand. "Stop touching me."
I tried not to be harsh about it, and I wasn't, but he froze anyway before moving his hand. My back was still pressed against his chest though. I don't know how much he could move back without falling out and I didn't want to risk it only for all of us to end up eating grass and dirt.
"Did you even want to come?"
I shook my head, fiddling with one of the strings on Nate's sweater that found its way under my palm. "They tried to sneak me out at first, but I wasn't going toâI didn't want to. And I had the greatest excuse," I said with a grin. "But then they got that excuse involved and she said yes. And I still said no but they convinced me."
"I would've spent more time with you but, I figured..."
"Yeah, you figured right."
It was quiet after that. And this silence was... different from everything else I've felt with him. This was more than tension, and I couldn't explain it. This was stifling and heat and... another level of discomfort. I didn't want to be close to him.
I knew he was about to say something again, only Nate shifted and grumbled, "Guys, shut up."
I smiled at the intrusion. It pierced through the smothering fog enveloping us and I was grateful for it.
I moved the blanket down to stare at his face. "Good morning."
"What's good about it?" he retorted, taking a deep breath and reaching up to run a hand down his face then through his hair. I found myself admiring his face for too long. "I have to wake up to a brewing argument."
"No one was going to argue," I said. If he opened his eyes, he'd see me grinning.
He let out a low snort and left it at that.
I couldn't go back to sleep and not because of the sun, but my body being aware that Chris was awake and while we weren't going to fight about it, the topic would've gotten heavy. I could feel it. The tension was still there.
I didn't say anything as the hammock tilted and the weight that was behind me shifted before disappearing altogether. My back went cold, and I bit my lip, keeping my eyes on the skin of Nate's throat as his footsteps faded a minute later.
Closing my eyes, I tried to go back to sleep. I heard Nate sigh, and not long after, his arm curled around my shoulders.
As much as I wanted to tell him not to touch me either, the action was the only thing holding back the pathetic tears. I buried my face against his chest and let him until I couldn't think anymore.
It was about 10:30 when Nate and I entered the kitchen through the back door, and 12:00 when our group gathered up and headed out for breakfast, or brunch, after getting ourselves together. No one felt up for cooking and when the topic came up and they all looked to Chris, only for him to basically tell them to fuck off, but with nicer words, it was our last resort.
There were multiple stops on the way to the local park. Wawa, then Dunkin, then Chick-Fil-A, and Starbucks. And because Mar was the way she was, she had enough blankets in her car that we could all sit under the shade of a tree and eat and listen to music and get loud at about 2 in the afternoon.
I didn't think we were a group of those people until families would glance over in our direction every time we went up in hysterics. Julia and I stopped trying to tell them to quiet down after the fourth time and just let them be. If they want the police to get involved, it's their problem.
It was a lot warmer during the day and I was happy with my choice of wardrobe. Last night it was hell, with it being so chilly, but now I was having the time of my life as the heat hit all of us. My mom didn't know what I was wearing which I'm more than grateful for and I really hope she stays home today because if we cross paths that's it for me.
The shorts and crop top I had on was the only thing Jess had pulled out of her closet that I was willing to wear. And what fit somewhat snuggly. Months ago, I could've been able to fit into her clothes because I used to be her size, but now... not so much. What I was wearing was intentionally supposed to be a size or two larger for Jess and I got into them with some working around. Thankfully the button on the shorts hadn't popped throughout the night.
Least to say, I was comfortable despite the exposed skin and the way the clothes fit made me feel... I don't know, right somehow. I can't even lie and say I didn't enjoy the looks Chris gave me when he thought I didn't notice. The pervert.
In the middle of taking another bite out of my egg, cheese, and bacon bagel sandwich, Carlos's arm draped over my shoulder as he called out something to whoever was on the other side of me. Something uncomfortable ran through me and my face warmed in discomfort and embarrassment at what I'm about to do.
I shrugged, trying to get his arm off. It wasn't in a harsh way, but it was enough for him to know what I wanted, and he pulled his arm away, holding his hands up.
"Sorry," he said and my guilt flared.
"It's n-"
"Cool," he cut me off, smiling. "It's all cool. Okay?" I nodded, hardly smiling and he grinned. His once white-blonde hair was now a dirty blondeâhe dyed it. Which is something he did a lot that I'm not really sure what his natural hair color is. The wavy, silky strands fell across his forehead and flopped against his skin with the warm breeze. "Come on, smile." He nudged me playfully. "All this mopey shit doesn't look good on you."
I laughed with a whine. "I know, I'm really trying to stop." It's why I didn't want to come to the party.
"You know he didn't mean it, don't you?" he leaned in to say.
My eyes dropped to my food and I reached for my coffee. He still said it.
"Chris is just a huge baby sometimes and whines about things he doesn't like, or he can't control. Don't let it get to you."
I smiled at him and I hoped it looked convincing. "Thanks, Carlos."
I was about to ask him for some of his pretzels when someone stopping behind him caught my attention. Looking up, I eyed Chris skeptically because he was staring at me with a look I don't see on his face normally.
"I need to talk to you," he said firmly, holding his hand out to me.
A number of conversations stopped but I only dropped my gaze to my sandwich, coffee, and the rest of junk that they got me.
"Ariana," he said, and I heard some low 'ouu's. It was his 'don't make me say it again' tone.
Ignoring them, I looked back up at him, but still held my hand out for him to take as I stuttered, "B-but my food-"
"You'll be back in a minute." He pulled me up gently despite how he sounded.
He pulled me after him to the point where I almost had to run to keep up. All the while our friends cheered as if this was some huge accomplishment. I even heard someone said "daddy!" and I had to question their obsession with that word.
I stuttered over asking him where and why the hell he was dragging me until he started to slow, and I snatched my hand away.
"What the hell?" I gaped at him, shaking out my hand even though he didn't hold me that tightly. It still irritated my skin though and I rubbed my wrist. "What's your problem?" He reached for me and I smacked his hands away when they went for my hips.
"No, come here," he said, swatting mine away and held me, pulling me in front of him.
"Chris!" I gripped his hands, my face burning at the sound of our friends getting louder. They were obviously watching and loving it by the sound of things.
"We need to talk." He said it so slow and kept his eyes on mine that I stopped fighting. He nodded and turned us. When he tightened his hold and lifted me, my protest died when I heard him say, "You're too short," and set my feet down on the extended wooden chair of a picnic table. I stared at him blankly.
He's talking like he's ten feet tall.
We were on the same height now and I didn't look away from the fire in his eyes as I crossed my arms and he started speaking.
"This is ridiculous."
"What is?" I asked, knowing damn well what he was talking about.
"Do not start that shit, Ari."
"And you better watch your fucking mouth when you talk to me," I fired back, glaring at him. "If we're having this conversation again, I don't care what kind of superpower you have right now, but all that cursing and that tone," my finger was pointing at him now, "you're gonna drop it."
Since Friday, I've been holding myself back from being angry, from showing him that I was, along with everything else I felt. Whenever he hurt me emotionally, I never raised my voice at him, and I never cursed at him because that wouldn't help our situation. We could be civil and get through whatever mess we were in.
But I was so pissed at him. All those emotions were overflowing because the tears and trying to be civilized wasn't getting me through this mess. Not this time. So no, maybe his actionsâthe flowers, and telling everyone he was a virgin, and apologizing three dozen timesâdidn't work. Not that I didn't appreciate it, but I can't help that I can't let what he said go.
I swear I saw his lips twitch and my eyes narrowed fractionally, but he didn't smile. His expression remained impassive.
"What you wanna say to me?" I crossed my arms again.
His eyes left mine for only a second as he said, "Okay." His voice had lowered. It had lost its edge but was still firm. "I know we're closeâI'm your best friend-" I rolled my eyes and stared blank-faced at the amusement in his eyes, "-but that shouldn't equate to you making me decide who you should be or how you should act."
I didn't say anything because he was going somewhere I didn't expect him to.
"You said it matters because I said it and sure I understand that, but if it affects you this muchâ if what I say makes you question who you are and what makes you comfortable, fuck what I say, Ari."
Him cursing made me blink. I know he doesn't normally do, like me who has the mouth of a sailor. He usually saves his cursing for when he's angry or frustrated, but I briefly wondered if it's getting easier for him to do it since meeting me. It doesn't help that the others said he's cursed more times this year than he ever has. Combined.
"If it wasn't clear that I was being a jealous, controlling, selfish little shit-" my eyes narrowed as I tried not to smile, "-I'm telling you right now that I amâ I was. This had nothing to do with you and him and everything to do with the fact that I saw you smiling that smile to someone that wasn't me and acted like an asshole, and I regretted it immediately after.
"You can take however long you need to figure out if you can forgive me, but... seeing you flinch and pull away from our friends just because of some shit I said- I can't stand it. Because I know you don't want to. And I hate that it's my voice that's in your head, making you do it because of how I may have made you think I felt."
I watched every expression flit across his face as he spoke. From anger, to shame, disgust, and disappointment. In himself. His cheeks were already tinged red and his eyes hardly ever left mine. Only when he tilted his head back or forth, twisting his fingers in his hair or facepalming. I knew that the whole thing bothered him before, I knew he was sorry, but how he was expressing it now and how he's saying it... it was a lot louder even though his voice was low; a lot clearer to me.
"Hate me," he went on, his expression vulnerable. "Hate me, be mad at me, throw a punch in if you want." He gestured to his face and I pursed my lips, giving him a look. He let out a breathless laugh at my expression. "But don't... don't let me be the one who makes you question yourself. I'm literally no one, Ari. You're happy being you and that's all that matters to me, okay? And that should be all that matters to you."
There was a moment of silence before I said, "You're not no one."
He let out a loud breath, his head tilting back. "I know that's not the only thing you heard-"
I cut him off with a laugh because I knew that's what he wanted to hear right now, and what I needed. I threw my arms around his neck, pulling him in. He chuckled, wrapping his arms around me and squeezing me tightly and tilting back, making my feet lift off the seat I still stood on.
Cheers and more cheers came from behind him and I lifted my face from his neck to shake my head at our friends. I'd forgotten all about them until then. Grins and eager eyes met my gaze and I waved them off, smiling at Chris's laughter that shook his body.
He set me back down seconds later and I pushed away from him and punched his arm. He cursed under his breath, holding the spot. I smacked his shoulder lightly after that and he looked back at me.
"Now listen to me," I started, "don't you ever say some shit like that to me ever again, you hear me?" He nodded wordlessly as I glared at him. "I'll talk to whoever I want, whenever I want and you get that thought out of your head that you're the only one who should have my attentionâit's insane. We joke about this a lot, but I am not your wife-"
He cut me off with a loud, dramatic gasp. "Ari..."
I gave him another one of those blank stares until he started grinning.
"Seriously. But even if it's not real... married people have friends too, Chris," I said softly, before adding more firmly, "so stop being an ass whenever you see me talking to other guys. It's not cool. And the next time you say some shit like that to me, we're done. And I mean it. The friendship and everything."
He wasn't smiling anymore but he nodded seriously. "I won't. Swear to God."
We watched each other for a silent minute before I nodded and said, "Good." I placed my hand on his shoulder. "I want another hug."
He smiled, wrapping his arms around my back and pulling me into him until we could probably merge into each other person. "You," he said lowly as I wrapped my arms around his neck again, "can have as many hugs as you'd like. Even..."
I didn't hide my smile at his words and body language.
"Would you kiss me if we were alone?"
That had me smiling like a fool. And I tilted my head dramatically like I was thinking about it, as he rocked us. "Maybe," I grumbled teasingly.
His answering grin was so goofy that I had to turn and hide my face in my arm as I laughed.
"That's enough for me."
I shook my head, but my face started to hurt from smiling. "You're so silly." Leaning in, I pressed my face into his neck again, closing my eyes.
He hummed as I tried to block out the whistles and extraness coming from our friends. "That was nice," he said.
"What?" I mumbled, inhaling his scent deeply.
"You just gave me the best kiss of my life in my head."
I grinned against his neck before pulling back. Pushing myself back, I placed my hands on his shoulders and said, "You're still gonna have to work for the real one though."
"I plan to."
â¤â â¤
"So, guess what's coming up soon?" Amanda dropped down on the grass next to me.
Yes. Amanda.
Gym was the only class I had with her and conveniently enough, it was my last class of the day. It was one of those classes that we only had for a couple of weeks in a semester, so I don't have Economics anymore. Something I'm still mourning over because I miss my squad.
Besides her though, there were only a few other people from our extended group that had gym the same time, but there were other people I knew so I wasn't entirely lonely all the time.
What makes it greater is that there's like five gym classes out here right now, so my hiding behind a huge tree next to the track guarantees no will miss me for a couple of minutes.
I glanced at Amanda as another song started to play and my earbuds blasted. I stared at her, seeing her mouth move but not hearing a word this time.
The look was more out of shock and a 'why the hell are you here' stare. She's become a lot more tolerable over the past months; a lot less bitchy and making my life easier. I pointed out the main source of that to be Heath. Apparently the two had been 'talking' then a couple of months ago they started dating. Since then she's been all happy and bubblyâglowing if I must point it out.
It wasn't a bad look on her but the fact that she thought we were friends or had been friends since she got a little boyfriend didn't sit well with me. When I wanted to be friends, all I got was Mrs. Bitch. She doesn't get to bulldoze her way over here and think I'm gonna want to squeal and talk girly shit with her.
I pulled one of my earbuds out and said, "What?" More of a question as to what the hell she's been saying for the last fifteen seconds, and not her previous question.
She didn't decipher the right 'what' and ended up giving me the answer to her question instead of... yeah.
"Prom," she said excitedly.
I forced a smile, but I can tell by how my face feels that it looks awkward and forced.
She went on a whole tangent of flailing arms and pitchy notes with her next words. "The guys haven't asked anyone yet, but it doesn't matter. We're all going together anyway- and ugh! I just can't wait!" My head tilted forward slightly as I stared at her unblinking. "And this year they're hosting it at this fancy hotel, and it is God-awfully gorgeous! We're all going to the mall some time in the next week or so to get dresses and stuff-"
My mind blanked at that one word and my skin prickled. Mall. An ache I haven't felt in months flared in my shoulder and I found myself kneading my palms slowly to stop my hands from trembling.
"Ari!"
I jerked; my back bumping so hard into the bark of the tree I'd been leaning against that I winced.
"I..." she trailed off lowly, her eyes falling from my face to my hands, then the one I didn't realize reached up to massage my right shoulder gently. "Sorry."
I smiled sarcastically, not meeting her stare. "For what? It's nothing I need to know anyway since I don't even plan on going to prom." I started to get up. I did not need this conversation. I was having a great life, trying to bask in the last of the blissful peace of having friends for a little while longer, then she swoops in and starts with this mess.
"What? Why?" she stumbled over her words and feet as she got up, following after me.
Can she not see I'm trying to not be around her?
I shrugged. "Not feeling up for it. But have fun," I said over my shoulder, getting on the tracks again and started into a jog.
The sun was beating down on me, but the cool air balanced everything out. My eyes went to the chain of tennis courts in the distance and the large field where students played all sorts of sports.
She caught up to me easily. Athletic ass.
"But what if Chris-"
I cut her off with a forced laugh. "He is not going to ask me if that's where you going with that. He knows I'm not looking forward to that kind of event. I already do my best trying to cheer on our school when we went to all those football and lacrosse games."
I shuddered thinking back to those times. All of those games, Chris lured me out of my house with promises of food and beverages in turn for me to suffer, and I took all of them because one, I'm a fatass, and two, I get to be a fatass while hanging out with my friends. To be honest, I have a lot more fun at those things because I don't even pay attention. They're the ones who entertain me.
But prom? I'd be more of a huge pain in the ass with my long face and bitchy attitude and that's not something they're going to need from me on what's deemed to be the best night of one's high school life. Especially not Chris, cause he'll call me out on it, and we'll end up hurting each other's feelings and making the night even worse.
At the end of it all... I see the night going wrong if I go and I do not want that to happen.
"Is it because you're scared to go to the mall? Because we can just get-"
I stopped and turned to her. "Amanda," I sighed, keeping my anger at bay, but my face was hot and my eyes stung. I was not crying about this. Not today. "This has nothing to do with the mall. And if you could just accept that I say no and move on, that would be great."
I didn't wait for her to say anything after thatâI turned and ran. It was the first time I truly put my all into running for gym class. I ran around the track, then walked, then ran... and it went on until the end of class.