Jo
I BLINK AT the screen of my laptop after what seems like the hundredth time and my finger lingers on the cursor again.
ENTRY ENDS IN TWO DAYS.
After a moment of hesitation, I let out a deep breath and run my hands down my face.
Miss Anderson's voice echoes in my ears again as my eyes shift from the flyer she'd given me the other day to the website displaying the write-a-thon on the screen.
You've got real talent and I know so many people would eat this up. This is gold.
I grab my journal and read through it, scrutinizing everything I've ever written and I frown. What if I'm actually not good enough? Not as good as she says I am?
Below me, King barks as if he's encouraging me to make that move I'm scared to make and I pick him up from the floor and run my hands through his fur.
"You think I'll qualify? What if they think it's a pile of crap?"
He barks again, wagging his tail back and forth and nudges my arm with his nose.
"You're right," I say, like we speak the same language. "I should just go to bed."
A knock raps on the door and a second later, mom's head pops in. "Can I come in?"
"Sure." I nod, placing king back on the floor and moving my laptop aside. Mum walks in and shuts the door before taking a seat on my bed. She's holding a basket of laundryâDrew's rumpled clothesâand I frown when I take in her appearance.
"It's almost midnight. You're doing laundry now?"
She shrugs and drops the basket on the floor. "I slept way too early and now I'm wide awake, so I need to get something doing. Your grandma isn't exactly the best company when she's half-asleep."
I smile a little and slyly eye my overflowing basket but she catches me quickly and snorts. "I wouldn't do your brother's without doing yours so you can drop your eyebrows now." She glances at the opened laptop on my bed. "What are you working on?"
"This." I hand her the flyer from school and she reads through it before glancing back at the laptop.
"Well, have you turned yours in?"
"Technically I need to apply first, send in a sample based on a topic of theirs and then wait to get their results to see if I'm qualified enough to turn an authentic write up in." I pause and frown. "And I haven't done any of that."
"Why not? You showed me this at the hospital," she says, gesturing to my journal. "You're amazing, honey."
"What if I'm not amazing enough? What if I don't get a feedback?" I may not be so confident in what I write but that's probably because I never give out my work for others to read. I only give grandma and that's because she never criticizes me. I gave mum my journal at the hospital because I felt a burst of encouragement when she made that comment about being proud of having us both but self-motivation only lasts for so long. I gave Daniel and I regret it. Flynn has snooped around every now and then and Miss Anderson saw my poem by accident. That's it. And now, I'm about to show it off to a bunch of people I have no idea of. It's daunting.
"What if you let go of your what ifs and just do it?" She simply says and I sigh. "Don't overthink it, honey. You're an amazing writer, trust me. And if they don't get back to you, then frankly it's their loss. It won't lessen your ability to write well or stop your ideas from flowing. If anything, it should be a boost."
"It's not exactly their loss since there's a price to be won."
"They'd loose a gem without even realizing it. Sucks."
"Mom." I roll my eyes and she smiles.
"I'm serious. If you want to do this, grab that laptop and enter. Capisce. Easyâ"
"Peasy." I complete for her remembering how she always said those words to Drew and I whenever she taught us a math problem from school.
"Your school sent an email yesterday night about a PTA meeting coming up soon." She says and I nod.
"It's probably to talk about the winter formal coming up soon. No biggie."
She raises a brow. "No biggie?"
"Yeah." I shrug. "You don't need to go if you're busy. I'm not going anyway."
"Why not? You don't have a date?"
I blush and shake my head. "I just don't feel like attending."
"Flynn hasn't asked you out yet? What's taking him so long?" She asks in a very curious tone and I don't realize my brows are sky high until she looks at me and realizes she may have said something she wasn't supposed to.
"What do you mean?"
She draws her lips into a thin line and shrugs. "That reminds me, Drew tells me you have boy problems."
That sneaky son of a bitch.
My face grows warm as I sit straighter on the bed and look away from her. That momentarily distracts me from her earlier statement. I've never had to discuss my personal boy issues with her before because I've not exactly dated a lot of people. When Craig dumped me, I ranted into my brother's voicemails. Mum had no idea I was dating anyone and I wanted to keep it that way. So hearing this from her is pretty weird because a conversation we've never had is definitely going to happen now.
"It's okay to feel embarrassed," she teases, obviously seeing the look on my face. "Drew and I gossip about you sometimes when you're not there. In his words, you're in denial that you actually want to be with him."
"I'm not in denial," I quickly say, feeling super awkward already. "I justâI don't know."
"I don't have a problem with you dating, if that's the issue."
I shake my head in slight amusement because even if I'm not exactly proud of the way I lost my virginity, she probably assumes I'm very naive when it comes to boys. And maybe I am sometimes but I'm not exactly the angel she probably thinks I am.
"No, that's not it."
"Do you like him?"
I bring my knees up to my chest and rest my chin on them. My hair falls around my face like a curtain that shields me from her gaze. In my ears, that sounds like a ridiculous question but I nod regardless. "Yes." I admit. "A lot. I'm just scared I guess."
"You keep thinking about how this isn't what you planned and worry about how it would affect tomorrow?"
I turn my face to her and press my cheek on my knees. I don't nod or admit that she's right even after what Drew told me yesterday but she assumes she's right from the expression on my face.
"Your father was like that. Still is, I'm sure. And it ruined us at the end."
I brush my hair away from my face and fix it into a loose bun. Ever since dad left, it's always been about me or Drew. I'd never actually stopped once to see how mum was taking all of it and it hits me now how bad of a daughter I am.
"I'm sorry about dad." I say because it's long overdue. I'm sorry we weren't there for you. I'm sorry it was always about us.
She smiles and waves me off. "You don't need to be. I saw it coming. I just didn't know he'd be so callous about it by leaving you alone in that park for God knows how long. I guess people do change after all."
I know their story. How they met. Dad gave us the sweet and typical 'how I met your mother' story when we were younger but mum told us what really happened once after he left and never spoke about it again. She was a sophomore in college and he was a pre-Med student trying to get into medical school. Within three months of knowing each other, he got her pregnant and apparently he wasn't ready for that responsibility yet. Neither party was but they went on with it anyway. He failed his MCAT shortly after that and blamed mum for it. And after that, he pretty much blamed her for everything else that happened in his life.
Not getting into medical school, raising a kid that wasn't planned, getting a job at a corporation, loosing his job, Drew coming home with a broken arm, me getting diagnosed with diabetes. Even the littlest unimportant things. He blamed his life going off course on her and she lived with it. She loved him after all.
"Do you still think about him?" I ask genuinely and she sighs, giving me an indecipherable look.
"Sometimes. It was really hard at first to accept his abandonment but you both were and still are my priority so letting my own emotions get in the way wouldn't give a nice result. When he mailed the divorce papers a few months ago, I grabbed some wine, locked myself in that room we used to share and cried like a baby." She explains, brushing a thumb over my cheek when she sees a tear roll down against my will. "That was the first time I actually let myself cry so much because whether I wanted to admit it or not, a tiny voice would always assure me he'd be back. But apparently, that wasn't a part of his plan either. He saw an opportunity and he took it regardless of who he hurt or left behind and I wouldn't be as hurt as I was if he'd left only me behind to impregnate another woman. But with you two? That's where he messed up."
She lifts her hand towards my ear and brushes the strays hairs back. "But after all this, I still don't regret any of it. Sure, I'd have met better men out there and had a better life but I wouldn't have you two and that's why I don't regret any of it. I love you both. So much and nothing in the world can change that."
She shifts on the bed and embraces King when he runs towards her legs. "Jo, some things are bound to happen whether you like them or not. For example, failing a test when you don't study, taking a nap when you're tired, falling in love when you meet a boy that fascinates you."
"Mum, those are three completely different things."
"Hush. My point is, you can't control some of these things so if you like him, you can go ahead and date him. You have my permission."
"Hana and I aren't what we used to be anymore." I say. "We were best friends and then it changed when she left. Drew changed when he left. Flynn's not going to college. If we start dating now, what if it changes when I leave?"
"Nothing's going to change if you're both in love with each other, Jo. You're not scared about that. Or maybe you might be but what you're really scared about is having loose ends. I've always known you want out of this town and now you think he'll draw you back. That's your dad talking in your head again." She grabs my shoulders and gives them a warm squeeze. "Your dad left too, didn't he? Why'd you think he left? It wasn't because this place had nothing to offer but because he felt he was too good for this town. He felt like he was wasting away here and he fled with another woman. But he'll never stop because that's just who he is. A selfish man. Soon enough, he'll get into his own head and leave Appleton as well for somewhere better.
"There's nothing wrong with wanting more or deserving better but no matter what you do, family comes first. It's just a town, baby. Where you go doesn't matter as much as what you do and if you're happy or not. You might get a wider range of opportunities out there, sure, but you were born here and you grew up here so whether you admit it to yourself or not, this place holds a lot more importance than you think."
"Thanks mum." I say, holding her hand and she kisses my forehead before getting up to grab my laundry. I really mean it though. I feel like a weight has been dropped off my shoulders after having this conversation with her.
"The choice is up to you, honey. You're old enough to decide whatever you want to do and I'll be with you regardless of the decisions you make. But I'd really like you to go to winter formal though. Not necessarily with a date but it'd be nice to see you in a beautiful dress. I've been eyeing this blue dress at the mall for you. It'd look good with the theme."
I smile at her and grab my laptop. "I'll think about it."
"Goodnight baby." And then she blows me a kiss and quietly shuts my room door close.
I dim the intensity of light on the screen and tap on FaceTime. It rings with Hana's name displayed across the screen and I rest my face on palm as I wait for her to pick up. We haven't been in touch in a while. Our frequent FaceTimes turned into unenthusiastic texts after her mum warned me against being a source of distraction to her. And then our unenthusiastic texts turned into a game of who'd text first and I would loose most of the time because it seemed hard trying to cope when my best friend was miles away. She stopped replying after a slew of messages I sent to her that she never read and we haven't spoken since then. I blamed it on distance. If we were still together in one space, then it definitely wouldn't be like this.
But now, as I watch my face on the screen while it continues to ring, I can't help but wonder what really changed between us. Was it me? Was it her? Did we just not put in enough effort to maintain the friendship we had before she left? At the last minute, the ringing stops and her face pops up and occupies the screen.
The first thing I notice about her is that the pink pixie cut is gone. Her auburn hair is back and shorter than ever. Her eyes are a little sunken but that's about it. She still looks like Hana with a little more fat in her cheeks.
"Hey." I say, breaking the silence and she heys me back. She's assuming the same position as me on her bed in her dorm room and it's a little bit dark.
"It's been a while. How are you doing?"
She says something but I don't catch it, so she shifts and turns to a different angle where's there a little light coming from her lamp. "I'm trying not to wake my roommate." She whispers a little harshly. "I can't talk too loud. I'm fine. Are you?"
I don't respond immediately. Instead, I think of the right words to use and when they don't come up, I just blurt out what's on my mind. "What happened to us? Did I do something wrong or what?"
She bites her lip and sighs. "We've been texting."
I raise my brows. "You call that texting? Is the part where I text you and you don't respond also a part of what texting between best friends is?"
She looks away for a second and looks back at me. I've always been able to read her emotions and right now, she looks like she's pained about something. "I'm sorry, Jo. I'm just pissed."
"About what?"
"Jo, you didn't text me as much as before anymore. You didn't call or FaceTime, I don't know, something just changed."
"And why didn't you try to call me or text or something to see what was really wrong?"
"I was busy with school."
"And I wasn't?" I ask, feeling a bit exasperated. "Or you don't think I go to school anymore?"
I sound a bit harsh but giving without receiving is really annoying. Especially when it's with your best friend.
She rubs her nose and doesn't say anything else. There's no excuse.
"Your mum called me sometime ago but she didn't want you to know we had a conversation," I blurt out. "In summary, she wanted me to cut back on our conversations. She implied that I was a distraction to you and I didn't want that. So I didn't FaceTime you as much as before but I was hoping you'd notice and want to find out why. But you didn't and it hurts. Like shit."
"I'm sorry Jo. My mum shouldn't have done that."
"You knew about it, didn't you?"
She hesitates and then she nods. "I'm sorry."
"You felt like I was distracting you?"
She shakes her head. "Not like that. She took it the wrong way."
"It would have been nice if you could have told me," I say. "At least it'd be better to know that, than feeling like shit for bothering you."
She smiles a little, the tension rolling off her gently and then she asks me about school. After that, we catch up on what we've both missed from each other but it's not the same. I understand that she's got her own stuff to deal with at school there and I've got mine as well. Perhaps, spending time with Cass and Amanda rubbed off me so much that I'd spent less time sulking over Hana and making new friends with other people. Something I never did when Hana was around. Cass and Amanda have this way of pulling you out of your shadow and with Hana, it was just different. We'd started off as diabetic buddies because the first time I met her was when I first got diagnosed and she was also at the hospital. She'd been diagnosed a year prior to mine and between the time I learnt her name and she learnt mine, she'd pretty much given me a full gist of everything I needed to know about, in her words, 'people like us'.
And then soon enough, we graduated from besties in diabetes to actual best friends. We were polar opposites and yet, we just fit. Then it was nice to hide behind someone else's shadow and just be unnoticeable. When she left, I thought I'd die. First it was my dad and then Hana and I wondered why it seemed like the people who I loved were the ones who always left.
"We'll talk later," Hana says, picking up a mascara from the table. "There's a party outside the school at midnight."
The mother hen in me breaks forth. "Isn't that dangerous? Plus I thought leaving the school premises while in session wasn't allowed."
She laughs and snorts at the same time. "Jeez, live a little. Besides, it's not my first rodeo so you can chill out."
I roll my eyes even though there's a tiny smile on my face. "Fine. Whatever. Just don't get caught or kidnapped or killed."
"Aye aye captain." And the screen goes black.
I feel oddly relieved after that and I get up to switch off the lights, leaving the glow-in-the-dark stars on my popcorn ceiling. Just before I go to bed, I grab my laptop again but this time, I don't try to FaceTime Hana again. Instead, I go back to the write-a-thon website and click on enter. In minutes, I share the sample I'd written two nights ago before I gave up on applying and hit send. I do all of this in one breath and then I shut my laptop before I overthink it.
I don't sleep immediately though. I barely do these days since I'm either writing, reading a novel or daydreaming about Flynn and I tend to do those three a lot. Especially the third one.
I grab my phone from the bedside table and I'm typing out his name on my contact list before I even realize it. I pull the covers up to my chest and hesitate while the light from the screen illuminates my face.
What am I going to say if I call him? Not right now, I tell myself, dampening the over eager hormone that almost pushed me to call him. I shut my phone and place it back on the table. I'll do this tomorrow, when I'm thinking straight and not thinking about kissing him or jumping his bones.
Tomorrow. Definitely tomorrow.
AN: the next chapter will be up tomorrow ð¤