Jo
IT'S SNOWING HEAVILY outside the windows of mum's car and I have layers of fur jackets piled over my lilac dress but I'm hot inside. I'm so hot that it feels like I'm going to combust soon.
"What's happening?" I ask once I sense the car slowing down. My voice is dry and croaky from crying myself to sleep and waking up with tears this morning.
"Traffic is slow," Mum says from the passenger seat as Drew slows the car to a pause behind the lights of another car. She hesitates before she continues. "It's the snow. We might be stuck here for a while. By midnight, it's going to be a blizzard."
Today is one of the days I hate living in Lakeville. Towards the end of the year, the weather conditions become extreme and it's something I've always dreaded but accepted because there's nothing I can do about it. But right now, I'm not going to sit here and wait for traffic to pass while someone I've quickly bonded so tightly with is getting laid to rest a few kilometers away.
"Okay," I say, grabbing my bag from the end of the seat. "I'm going to walk there if I have to."
Mum shakes her head. "I'm not letting you do that. It's freezing outside."
"I'm already late," I say, exasperated. I feel sick and my eyes are teary already. "I promised her I'd attend. And I let a stupid low delay me for thirty minutes before I could even function."
"That's not your fault, Jo and you know that."
"Well, I don't really care whose fault it is right now, mum," I grit, forcibly cleaning the tears that have leaked down my cheeks. I'm rude right now but she'll forgive me later. "I just need to go and you're not going to stop me."
Drew looks back at me from the driver's seat. "Hey, relax, okay?" He says calmly. "Calm down. I know a short-cut that should take us there in a few minutes."
"Okay." I nod, pressing my hands against my face to stop the tears from running like a dam. Mum sighs and hands me a tissue and I accept it from her before using it.
"I'm sorry mum," I meekly apologize and she pats my hair gently.
"It's okay," she assures me. "And you're going to be okay."
It takes Drew a while but he eventually manages to maneuver his way out of the traffic jam before driving through an alley. I slump against the cushioned seats and lower my gaze to my folded hand-written speech. It's crinkled at the corners and there are damp spots every here and there as a result of my tears falling on it.
Drew parks behind a line of cars as soon as we get to the church and mum helps me out of the car like I'm handicapped. She won't let go of me and I know it's because of what happened this morning. She'd made it to Christmas even though she didn't expect that but I'd told her she was the strongest person I knew and then two nights after, at exactly 3:14 in the morning, I'd gotten a call from Flynn. He wasn't crying and he didn't sound mad. He just didn't sound like himself and even before he told me about Ellie, I'd already figured it out. I'd woken Drew up after that and he drove me to the hospital to confirm my suspicions.
For the past few days since we lost Ellie, I've almost not been able to comprehend it. Until, I woke up with a low this morning because I didn't take my insulin since I cried myself to sleep yesterday night and seeing the church standing right in front of me, makes it even more real.
Everything is blurry and unfocused around me except for the white coffin that lays half-opened in front of the platform. We take our seats close to Flynn's family because the seats have been reserved while Talia hands the mic over to her husband. It appears proceedings have been going on for a while. From the order of program, Flynn hasn't said his yet and even though my opportunity has passed, I'm grateful I didn't miss his. I look up and see his dark brown hair that I love so much. He's wearing a forest green two-piece suit. He'd shown it to me once in his room and told me he was going to wear it for Ellie's funeral. I told him it complimented his eyes.
He's sitting right in front of me, his back to my face and he perks up a little like he can tell I'm right behind him. I wonder how he's doing, if he cried before the funeral started because he hasn't let out a single tear since she died. It's quiet except for Talia who stands behind her husband with her hands, gripping the handles of his wheelchair. Her eyes are as dark as thunderclouds, the bags under them are slightly swollen and her cheeks are a little splotchy but she looks strong. Her blue gown compliments her shoes and Flynn's dad doesn't look too far behind. I smile a little. I guess Ellie didn't really want any of us wearing black after all.
Mr Cauley speaks about Ellie in the most graceful way. He's lucky he had her. She was fragile, yet the most beautiful girl in the entire world. He's the luckiest father to have watched her grow into a big-hearted young lady. Her happiness radiated towards him and made him reflect on his own life every time. Her smile made him feel whole again.
I tear my eyes away from the coffin that lays a few meters ahead of me and grab my phone to text Flynn.
I'm sorry I'm late. I had a low and traffic was slow... I don't get to finish typing because in seconds, his parents are joining us back in the pew and his name is called. He doesn't get up immediately and I slide my hand through the gap between his seat and that of one is his aunts and slip my fingers through his own. I'm not sure what amount of result it can produce but I'm simply doing it to show him that I'm here and that I love him and hoping he can feel it.
He returns the gesture, squeezing my fingers like he needs that more than anything before slipping his fingers away from mine and getting to his feet. I watch his every move as he walks to the lectern and glances briefly at the coffin. From the way he looks, he hasn't cried yet. He glances at all of us and I see the hesitation building in steps but then I internally pray he remembers the few tips I could teach him on battling public speaking anxiety including practicing a short breathing technique when his anxiety grows to a peak.
"You'll do fine," I mouth when he looks our way. "Ellie knows you will."
"My girlfriend helped me with a speech," he starts slowly. "But I've decided to let it flow naturally. If I don't go blank, that is."
Low chuckles ring in the church and I give him a thumbs up when he looks at me again and mouth, "I love you, you're doing great."
"Ellie gives my life more meaning than anything else and I wish, more than anything, to trade places with her right now but as much as I want that to happen, it's not going to. I've never loved anyone the way I love my sister. I've never been attached to anyone the way I've been attached to her. She's always being a part of me and I of her. She's my rock, she's my sun, she's my moon and she's my life.
"She always told me about everything. Her first crush, her irritation at mum and dad kissing in the kitchen, her first friend, her recent pen pal, the tiny holes she'd made into her socks when she was trying not to cry, how tired she got whenever she had chemo, how annoyed she was when she found out I was her tooth fairy, how lonely she felt when she was trapped within the four walls of the hospital and she felt grateful that my friends and I didn't make her feel lonely anymore. Physically, she's gone but she's with me right now, encouraging me to go on and I almost can't bear the thought of leaving without her hand in mine." He looks at the coffin and doesn't look away.
"I love you, Ellie and no one can ever replace you in my life. This isn't goodbye because if you were truly gone, I wouldn't feel you next to me but I miss your smile and what it feels like to hug you and hold your hand. You're the kind of daughter and sister any parent and person could wish for and I'll miss you forever."
At first, the silence is raw as he slowly walks back to the pew but then I clap and the rest of my friends join me from where I can spot them huddled together not to far away from us. The rest of the church claps gently, slowly like if we clapped thunderously, we could wake Ellie from her eternal rest.
I spot a lot of people once the service is over. Otis, Eloise, Classmates from school, everyday town people and a few faces I haven't seen before. Flynn's family greets small group of families one after the other but Flynn isn't with them because he's hugging me the entire time. Cass, Amanda, Khalid and Carter surround us and a few words are exchanged between us as everyone absorbs the melancholy that spreads around us. Cass's eyes are so red from crying and the peak of Khalid's LOSER cap covers his eyes. Carter's arm is around Amanda's shoulder while she embraces Cass who's still crying into the sleeve of her fuchsia pink jacket.
I rub my hands up and down Flynn's broad back since his body is slumped against mine and while the congregation slowly departs, I tell mum I'll be back much later and she asks me if I'm okay a multiple times before she's convinced she should leave. Drew hugs me and hands me the bouquet of peonies I'd bought and tells me to call once I feel my sugar level kicking in.
Flynn's family wanted the journey to the cemetery to be between family and close friends only so the rest of us file into the vehicles while the hearse leads us forward. It's still snowing outside and the journey is slow but we get to the cemetery eventually.
Just like when we walked into the church, everything that happens after we get down from the car blurs in my vision, with my focus solely on the coffin being carried out of the vehicle and lowered into the grave. That's when a fresh batch of tears fall freely from my face and this time, Flynn is the one holding me so I won't fall. I don't stop crying. Even when I lower myself to the ground and drop the flowers on the casket and even while Flynn lifts me up while everyone else does the same, I don't look away from her. I cover my face with my hands and sobs rack through my body.
I've never been so connected to someone in such a short period of time like this and realizing I'll never see her face again except in pictures, makes me cry even harder.
A man speaks. I'm not sure of what he says because I'm trying to stop the tears from falling but then Flynn mutters something about leaving before the snow traps us here and then he's gently pulling me to the car.
Somehow, everyone departs eventually and the next thing I know is that I'm looking out the window of Flynn's room. It's dark outside, the snow batters down the window and it really does look like a blizzard out there. There are dried streaks of tears on my face and my eyes are puffy from crying from a long time.
The light in Flynn's room flickers slowly and from downstairs, you can hear the light activity going on among the rest of his family. They're all here. Extended family and distant cousins. Everyone is here.
I look away from the window and glance at Flynn's clothes strewn on the bed. The door to the bathroom opens and steam accompanies him out. He's wearing a black Tee and sweatpants and he's ruffling his hair with a towel. I'm a little worried about him. He hasn't let out a single tear since all of this happened but then again, everyone grieves in their own way. There's no right or wrong way to grieve a loved one anyway. I just don't know what I'd do if I found out that he's keeping all these emotions to himself. He hasn't pushed me away yet but I hope he doesn't.
"You okay?" He asks, looking at me and slowing his hand on his hair to a pause.
"Not really," I answer truthfully. "You?"
The tiniest grin is on his face. "Not really."
Not wanting to be a burden, I jut my thumb towards the door. "I can just go if you need to be alone. You can call me when you need me. Plus, your aunt makes great hot chocolate."
"I need you here. Right next to me. That's where I want you."
"Okay." I breathe. "Just tell me when you need a little space."
He looks down at the towel in his hands and nods towards the bathroom. "You could take a bath, if you want."
"Sure." I bite my lip, feeling nervous for some reason before disappearing behind the door.
A lot of things hit me at once while I stand under the shower. I'm reminded of the last time I was here, when I'd been covered in batter and we'd made out against his balcony afterwards. Ellie was here then. Now, she's not. My mind goes to her funeral and how I thought my heart would fall out of my chest when her casket was lowered to the ground. I think about what my own funeral will be like and what it'd feel like to not just exist anymore.
I turn off the shower because my skin is already raw and scalding from being under the hot stream for too long. When I step out of the cubicle, I'm not surprised to see a folded shirt and pajama pants that Flynn has left folded on the lid of a laundry basket for me.
I wring my hair dry as I stare at myself in front of the mirror. My face looks flushed and my eyes look a little better than they did earlier. I tap my cheeks and mentally tell myself not to cry anymore. I tell myself I need to be strong, if not for anyone, at least for the boy who's right behind this door. I step into Flynn's clothes, his scent prominent and then I exit the bathroom.
I meet him sitting on the edge of his bed with his guitar on his thighs and my mind runs with different ideas on how to distract him. He's removing the plectrum from its tiny little case and he looks at it intently. He looks up at me once he hears the door close and then he gestures for me to come over.
I gingerly sit next to him and place my hands on my thighs. "You wanna play something?"
"Yes," he nods. "Would you like to listen?"
"Of course."
The light flickers and you can hear the howling of the wind outside but gratefully, his room is warm enough for both of us.
He balances his guitar against him and plays a tune. I rest my chin in my hands as he plays and I listen. It's slow and it sounds beautiful and when he's done, he looks at me.
"That was beautiful."
"It's one of Ellie's favorite songs." He says and I nod, noting how he doesn't refer to her in past tense. It makes it feel like she's still here.
The power goes off and Flynn turns on a lamp on his bedside table. I take the guitar away from his hands and straddle him instead. The warm glow of the lamp illuminates his face and mine and he's staring at me, which makes me wonder if this is the wrong time to be physical about anything.
But then, he places his hands on my hips and then I lean forward to kiss him. I kiss him slowly, lingeringly and then I tentatively reach for the hem of his shirt which he lets me take off. I toss the fabric away and then he lifts me from the bed, with my legs around his waist and his hands under my thighs. He lowers us both to the middle of the bed and kisses me heatedly.
I run my fingers through his hair and tighten my legs around his hips. When I reach for the first button of the shirt I'm wearing, his hand stops me.
"What is it?" I ask, a little breathless and he sighs with a tiny smile on his face.
"I know what you're trying to do."
I blink at him like I don't know what he's talking about. "What?"
"As much as I've dreamt of doing this with you, and trust me, I have," he says, staring at me. "Countless times. I'm not going to do this with you, just to distract me. Not right now. Especially not for the first time with you and I are together."
I prop myself on my elbows and try to feign ignorance but my cheeks give me away. "I'm not trying to do that."
"You are, baby," he responds. "And if I don't stop you now, I'll feel guilty once we wake up tomorrow morning. And I don't want that. Neither do you."
I let out a breath that hits his lips since our faces are really close and then he closes the gap between us and seals our lips together.
The power comes back on once we separate for air and he rolls to the side while I wrap my arms around him and pull the covers upwards.
"Don't shut me out," I whisper like a plea. I know what that did to my parents. "Please. If you need me, I'm right here. If you need a little space, I'll give it to you. Just don't push me away. I lost her too."
He presses me tighter against him like he wants to be inside my skin. "I won't, I promise."
"I love you."
"I love you too."
I drift off to sleep pretty quickly after that and a light noise wakes me up late at night. My eyes open slowly and I see Flynn sitting at the edge of the bed. His head is in his hands and he's crying softly. I don't approach him or let him know I'm awake. Instead, I decide to let him be. To let him acknowledge the pain and to let it exist.
I close my eyes after that and turn my head to the other side when I feel my pillow getting wet but then I smile a little after that because I know, slowly but surely, we're going to be okay.