Alex
Stone and cold. Like a tainted shell , hollow and useless I watch her body stir off, the thrust from my wrist was the cause, surprising us both.
A dull ache flares within me, warm and pulsing as I saw those grey eyes absorb the shock of the moment. Confused, angered and afraid. Those very eyes that I often thirsted to find solace and armor in.
And soon the dread in them exemplified mine, wringing my hand towards her, I tried to yank her back. My futile attempt meets the open air as I watch her fall, paralyzed to the core and weak to the bones.
It was too late.
The pliable splatter of water echoed, writhed and died when they greedily engulfed her small frame.
The static gush of gasp and jabbers that erupted like the unsettled bee hive circled the wind, it intensified and drowned the next second when I realized what I had done.
From somewhere afar I heard a voice scream, it sounded like Edmund. But at present I could seldom feel the presence of anything but transfixedly witness the aftermath, caused by the tattered and infernal soul of a boy, a parasite that was me.
I watched her struggle, I saw her get more convoluted by the water around her as her hands pummeled over and over to keep her head up.
As if an impulse of current passed through my body, it went rigid with realization.
She was drowning.
In a shift Edmunds words faintly but clearly rang over my ears as he hollers from still a distance, getting closer by the second.
"Alex, she can't swim"
It was all it needed for me to collect myself back from the trance of stupor, the next few seconds were a blur as shrugging the jacket off my shoulders I dived into the pool. The cold water elopes with my clothes and shoes as I swim towards her.
When I successfully get to her, I try to grab her frantically panicked arms, after few trails her finger curls over, clutching the front of my shirt in a desperate grip. I felt the kicks of her legs under the water as she used me as a stake to hoist herself up, but the action ended up weighing both of us down.
Immediately I circled my arms around her waist as I pulled her to me, when we broke the surface of water above us, both of our gasps intermixed as she snuggled tighter. Her rumpling hold still upon the fabric.
"Arms. Around my shoulder" I breath as she coughs, but followed my instruction religiously.
When we get to the edge I guide her hands to the deck of the pool, when she holds the bar I still don't let her go. Not until we were thoroughly out as she weakly crawls and turns over to sit coughing and breathing. Her eyes closed as the trills of water from our soaked cloths pools around us.
From the corner I see Edmund bring her a robe and wrap it around her shoulder as he mumbled some words of relief. But the slight shivers in her body never ceased, she was still not okay.
Gathering every ounce of strength as crushing guilt maneuvered over every sense of my existence I moved, stooping to be on her level as I ignored the lethal glare that Edmund was giving me.
He had every right to. I wish he would just knock me out enough to lead me into a euphoric belief that this night never happened. But he was too good to do that. Indeed he was way better than me. everyone was.
I hurt her for stating the truth. I was a bane, a damned portion of the memory that most wishes to forget. And I, no matter how much I strive. Could never change.
Changes are for humans, not for monsters.
But still, I do it. I advance a little hope for her to listen to me.
"Elaine" I whispered, my voice thick with remorse and emotions that I never knew I was capable of. It was a punishment, a narcissistic and spiteful pain to see what I had done to her.
My eyes helplessly falls upon her as she trembled, pulling her knees to her chest as she leaned her forehead upon her knees, the wet strands of her hair veiling her sides. As if hiding herself from the world.
From me.
"Elaine, please look at me" I croaked, placing my hand upon her frozen jittery one's, that were clamped over her legs as if they were her lifelines.
"Don't touch me. I am begging you" I stop dead as she jerks backs from me, as if I was the hot rod to her skin. As if it cauterized her. Burned her. Broke her.
It killed me. To finally give up on the thinking that I still meant something to her.
A naïve thinking when it was me who bluntly choked the life out of the home I ever found in her.
The open way ironically grew smaller, suffocating me when the attentive crowd were forced to disperse immediately as Lee anything, but ordered them to find their way out. I was grateful for that, but scared. I saw the time ticking away. I felt my walls crumble like the fall of sand from fingers. I can't hold them anymore.
"Elaine" pathetically I duck my head, my emotions raw with cynical requisition when I feel the strong arms of Edmund on my shoulder as he shoved me back.
"You heard her?" he growls tilting his face in warning. His jaws clenched with pressured rage but we both turned, discarding our locked gazes as we feel the rapid pants of Elaine as it faintly grew.
"Are you okay?" Edmund enquires concerned as she still had her head down, the only indication of her angst were the rise and fall of her shoulders.
"Elaine" he called her name louder going as far as to shake her arms slightly to catch her attention.
No answer, not until.
"What the fuck" i turn to look at the direction the voice came from. But before I could find out the collar of my shirt was relentlessly fisted to yank me to my feet.
Nathan did the job that I secretly counted on for someone, anyone to carry out. I had no time to compose a coherent thought as he punched me. My head angled to side as it took the impact.
And then another came, this was weak but I was weaker so I stumbled back. I hoped it kept happening till it made me numb, or atleast stung so bad so I had nothing else to focus on.
But the prayers of a devil like me was bound not to be fulfilled.
"Nathan?" it was weak, her voice. Breezy and pained as she asked for her best friend.
He stopped, fist high and eyes searching for her. Wasting no time he got on floor beside her as she looked up at him, her eyes tearing up as Nathan pulls the hairs delicately away from her face . Edmund moves away giving them the space.
The way he handled her, it was evident to see that he knows what to be done.
"I am so sorry" It was the last thing i expected her to say. I frown as she coughs, completely letting the tears fall out. But the way she wheezed was something that increased by time.
"It's over El, just try to calm down" shaking his head he tried talking her out as she closed her eyes.
"Can't breath. Nathan" with each term she struggled as he took her free hand that wasn't strangling the neck of her shirt as if it chocked her, he rubbed the back of it in slow circles.
Cemented to the concrete my lips parted to feel the sincerity of what I expected she was going through.
A panic attack.
"I know, when this is over we go back. okay?" he spoke to her like she was a child. And at the moment when she sobbed, her gaze rooted to the floor as he chanted promising words to divert her mind. But stopped short when she uttered something that even seem to surprise him. It was barely a whisper but I know what I heard.
"I couldn't save them" her breathing diluted as it came close to neutralization.
"It was not your fault. You get me?" he told her sternly. But like a shift the pain in her eyes morphed into a hollowness, tired, weak, defeated and bitter. I know it. It had been a part of me.
"It was someone's fault" her words quivered and distanced. She wasn't thinking, or she just don't care anymore. I could sparsely grasp what they were talking about but to know that at least there was someone by her side who understands her this much was a relief.
For the first time I wasn't possessed with the aura of power and dominance. I know Elaine was too fragile to be shackled around someone like me and yet I was drawn towards her in a way that I would never find the words to explain.
It was jealousy, it was madness, and it was love that was so dangerous that even after being aware of the risk I carry I still discreetly found a way to shallow us both into a bond that was never meant to be.
I never took pride when I dragged her down with me. it was contrasting, unstable and regretful. But to see her move on without me stirred the irrationality in me.
And tonight I broke every single rule that held me back.
When she stumbled back into my life quite literally after two freaking torturous months of fruitless effort to forget her, I was shocked, I was confused and mostly yet surprisingly I was happy.
I remember walking back to the class, but turning towards the washroom when I couldn't stop the twitch of my lips. I smiled as soon as I was inside. Alone and no one to judge.
I may have acted like a dolt piece of brick, but I wanted her to know what her presence meant to me.
It was the first time I had smiled in months. It was her.
And it fell the second my conscience lucidly pointed out the reason I can't do the exact thing of running back to her and embracing her with such intensity and promise to never let her go.
We weren't the same.
I destroyed the only light in my life with no corner left for it to come back. No niche. No hope.
And tonight I saw it flicker and die within her.
The night I met her at the corridor, I saw the uncertainty and determination to get away from me.
The fluttering hope coiled away when with each day she ignored me. And I tried to balance the diminishing faith in us with ever multiplying act on my impulse. It was crazy, it was me.
And when Edmund came into the picture with his perfect record, I was torn. Like shredding a part of me each day to feel good for him, for them. But failing more and more as I saw there was no way to I could do that. It was not in my nature.
I kept doing it inspite of the warning rendered by Nathan. He was no one to me, but someone to her. Even now I saw the way she tightly held his hands, her eyes wide with gratefulness to have him here. Like she immensely required the protection from her big brother. And it was crystal by the way he bolted me with ultimatums when we coincidentally happened to cross our paths in the hospital.
"Speak up fast, I have a school to get back to " annoyed by his mere feat of breathing I wave at the waiter who asked for our order to go back. we were not at the hospitals cafeteria to eat, infact I was assured that we both held the cannibalistic aura of opting to devour each others head off rather than some actual edibles.
"you weren't that busy when you jumped on me, bashing my skull out of nowhere that night" If I wasn't so aced at hiding the dribble of uneasiness, I would have found it surprising to see him bring that up so effortlessly.
"And you weren't so generous to invite me for a talk and a coffee as well, if I recall you wanted to kick me out generously" he chuckles the air passing from his parted lips as I wait for him to continue.
"Stay away from El" I can't help the ignorant twitch of my lips at the mention of his nickname for her. "She has enough to deal with and you returning back in her life is a nuisance"
I snort mockingly as he scowls, Good.
"Then why walk right into the cave?" I ask him. Inside I was on edge. Seeking the answer to my question that she consistently ignored every single time. I have no fair idea or even a gist or frame to piece up or comprehend as to what cooked over the span of two months. But I do know Elaine enough, she was here for more than one reason. And scholarship was just not it.
If people had two sides to them like a coin. Then Elaine was a cube, she has dimensions. You can't select one of her colours and love her accordingly. You either explore and figure out all her elegance or get lost in the middle when she leaves you to.
Or in my case, leave her.
"I can ask you the same. Why Summersville?" I lift my eyes a fraction, looking at the nonchalant smug mask on his face. I think back to the reason I was at the hospital in the first place. I had an answer, but not something I could tell him or anyone.
"We all are hiding something white, Secrets. and I have a feeling that this conversation will be one among us" he doesn't want her to find out. I thought. More than him I was willing to support it. But just to rile him up I flourish a new base for him.
"What if I don't?" I say sitting straighter, my gaze sharp on his. "What if I don't stay away from her?"
He looks down at the polished floor, smirking distantly. But it turns into a snarl when he glances back at me.
"El is my best friend, And I've been underestimated more times than I can count. But something about you white-" the way he pronounces my surname is sickly and bitter. Like he hates the alphabets in them combined "_tells me that you'll be the one to be on the other end of it if you keep this up. And it won't be good"
His word were magnified since all I could feel was the metallic taste of blood on my lips, licking it unconsciously I try to walk back to her. She seemed stable and I have to do this. I don't care if my friends contributed as an audience or they would soon hate me. They'll, I see the adoration they have towards Elaine. One month and she can have the effect on you.
Heck it took one day even for a guy like me.
But as if sensing my advancement Nathan got up halting my movements as he stood like a wall.
"Let me talk to her. Please" I sounded desperate. I was desperate. But before I could take one more step further he brought his arms to barricade me. we both simultaneously turn to look at each other and it's the first time I notice the loathing in his eyes.
They were so deep and blunt. But I try.
"Let me apologize Nathan. You know what she means to me" I say it. it was all I could muster as I let him see the uncensored self speak for me. but he laughed, a mockery. A disbelief as he eyes me with dark humor.
"You dated her for months and you pushed her into water knowing exactly that she's terrified of them. Knowing that's how her parents died and she could've too" He says taking a step back as if a predator trailing it's victim.
I know it, I had done it. But as I take in his words it becomes harder to hold myself back as I look at her. Still at the floor, her eyes distant at the ground, away from us. She wasn't listening to us. She looked numb. She looked dead. "And yet you have the f_cking audacity to even request an apology" he says his tone gradually raising.
Lifting a freezing hand with a sign I asked him to stop,
"She never told me. I wasn't aware. I would never do that to her" by the end it was a whisper, a ripe insist for someone to believe me. For her to understand. Like a kid who was trying hard to prove his innocence. "I didn't know" I say it more to myself than to him.
"You know what Alexander?" he spits my name as he walks to her, guiding his hands around her shoulder as she slowly gets to her feet, her moments robotic and mechanical, her eyes anywhere but us, but me.
My eyes follow their trace as they move to leave. Doing nothing but stare.
He pauses when our path intersected as he nails me with one last spiteful gaze and continues.
"For someone who thinks they have El all figured out. I'd be surprised if you even get her name right"
With that they left.
For a sufficient time I stood with my eyes glued to the exit from where she left.
And this once I know there was no mending. If We were broken before, tonight I had burned those pieces to ashes.
She was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I was her worst.
To think about it make my legs weak as I shamelessly fall to my knees. My vulnerability bare for all to see, but me to feel. She made me strong enough to do that. To push me into an edge were I had nothing to hide anymore.
I was tired, I was hurt. But mostly I was giving up.
My vision blurs at the edges as it still fixedly stares at the passage way.
I close them to feel the one thing that I haven't felt since what felt like ages.
Tears.
***
Bah...so what?