Unsettling Nostalgia

BECCA

“It was your intention from the start,” I said, stumbling a little over something in the grass. I was drunk as hell, while Drew was completely sober. He had been drinking non-alcoholic beer the whole evening, while I thought that we were drinking the same.

“Becca, it’s not like that. Give me your hand.”

I saw where his car was parked and tried to stride in that direction. I was angry with him and myself as well.

“Becca!”

“No! It was enough that you were cuddling me for the whole movie.”

“I was behaving, Rebecca. You know that.”

“Oh, please! Behaving! It was behaving when you tried to push your hand under my dress? Or when you started kissing my neck?”

“You’re overreacting. I could have done so much more to you, but I stopped myself. It should be your choice.”

“I want to go back to L…” I started coughing. I was going to say Logan’s name. Throughout the movie, we talked a lot. I heard a huge amount of stories about Drew and Logan while I was in Miami. I felt sick imagining him with all these women.

“Where do you want to go? Tell me, and I will bring you there,” Drew said. I heard something in Drew’s voice. It had changed, but I was completely out of my element. I couldn’t understand what I was hearing.

“To Tim and Kate’s place. All of my clothes are there. Tomorrow I am going home.”

“Already?” We were near the car. I accelerated my speed.

“Yeah. I have a lot of things to do in New York.” But only if Logan had told the truth.

Drew opened the door for me, put the blanket in the trunk, and went to the front of the car. As soon as he was inside, he started the engine. I turned my head away from him and stared out of the window. I felt sleepy. I felt confused. I had doubts. It wasn’t something that I wanted to feel right now.

“Becca, what did I do wrong?” Drew’s voice was hoarse.

“Meaning?” I placed my fingers on my nose bridge and closed my eyes.

“One moment you’re open with me, the next—you’re acting as if I am a stranger to you. Even now, when we were watching the movie… Was it stories about Logan and me that made you so upset?”

“Probably.”

“Because you know what kind of person Logan is right now?”

“What does it have to do with him? Those stories were about you too.”

“No. I am not stupid, Becca. It has nothing to do with me. All that you care about is him.”

“Do you really want to hear my answer?” I opened my eyes and focused my gaze on him.

“As I said... I am not an idiot, Rebecca. You are with him. Am I right?”

“Yes.”

“That’s what I thought. Then why are you here?”

Drew slowed down and stopped at the side road. He unfastened the seatbelt, opened the door to his side, and in a flash, he was outside.

I licked my lips. Why couldn’t I just shut my mouth and stay silent? It was very dark outside, and I couldn’t see where he went. I started to feel very nervous. I unfastened my seatbelt, ready to go outside when the door to my side opened.

Drew was standing right before me. He had a bewildered look on his face.

“I asked you a question, Becca. Why did you agree to come with me?”

“I wanted…”

“Bullshit! Why?”

“I promised to come, and I keep my promises.”

“Logan insisted?”

“That too.”

“Let me guess; he told you to go on a date with me, told you that you’re free to do whatever you want.”

“Yes.”

Drew laughed curtly.

“Becca, he doesn’t give a damn about you. Why would he say something like that to the woman he loved?”

“He’s not like that, Drew.”

“Believe me, he is, Rebecca. You’re delusional. He got used to being with a few girls at the same time. Why would he need to settle down only with you when he could have ten or even twenty girls even better than you?”

Without thinking, I slapped him on the cheek. He had no right to talk to me like that. If I was hoping that he would step aside, I was wrong. He placed his hands on my thighs and turned me to him. His hands snuck under my dress instantly.

“Drew, let me go.”

“No. Logan gave you carte blanche. You can do whatever you want, and I want you to kiss me.”

“That’s what you want, but not me.” I placed my hands on his chest and pushed him away. He didn’t even budge, only tightening his grip on my thighs. “Drew, you’re hurting me.”

“And you are not? Dammit! I knew that I should have stayed in town! You wouldn’t have been with him! He wouldn’t have dared to steal you away!”

“I am not an object, Drew. I am a human. A woman. With feelings, desires, and real emotions.”

“It doesn’t matter what you feel for him. If only I were in town, he would have rejected you. But he tasted you, had the chance to be with you without me around. Of course, he used it in his favor! Fuck!”

“He’s your best friend! Stop talking about him as if you hate him!”

“My best friend should have stayed away from my ex-girlfriend!” His hands slipped higher, and he buried his fingernails into my flesh.

“Do you know how hurt I am right now? I've never felt like this! I've been telling myself that this could happen. What you two felt for each other was too hard to deny or forget. But damn!”

“Drew…”

“Do you know that I was in Miami? I saw you with Cody. You were on a date with him, looking happy. Of course, I didn’t like it, but still—who was I to feel like that? But what made me more upset was the understanding that you wanted to see Logan as your man. Cody looked a lot like him…”

“Drew, listen…”

“Let me kiss you, Rebecca… Please… I need that…”

What should I do? It was pure torture seeing him like that. So painful! Drew locked his eyes with mine. He leaned towards me, stopping inches away from my face. How could he not understand that it might make things even worse?

But Drew never was reasonable. He was a very impulsive man. Very emotional. So seeing that I wasn’t leaning away, he moved closer and pressed his lips to mine.

I heard him groan as soon as our lips touched. His hands moved to my butt, and he pulled me closer to him. Now he stood between my legs, kissing me tenderly. He didn't try to push his tongue inside my mouth. He savored the moment while his hands caressed my thighs.

I closed my eyes, trying to empty my mind for him. I wanted to do it for him. So I opened my mouth and felt his tongue slowly take possession of mine.

I don't know how long we kissed. I lost count of the time. I let the emotions this kiss gave me lead me. I felt all these feelings that Drew had for me from our very first time together.

Passion, desire, love. Yeah, now I was sure that he loved me. I knew it by the way his hands explored my curves. By the way his mouth glided over my neck. Drew pressed me closer and closer to him. Soon I felt his arousal.

Even though I liked the way he kissed me, I remembered too well what it meant to be with him. I wasn't going to have sex with him. It was something I wasn't going to do under any circumstances.

So when his hand slid under my dress again and reached my panties, I immediately leaned away. I shook my head at his questioning look and saw his jaw clench.

“Fucking hell!” Drew stepped back and rushed away from the car. I saw his figure in the moonlight. He kept his back to me and his hands in his pockets. I would have wanted to go to him, to say that I am sorry. But I knew that I shouldn’t. I stayed, straightening my dress and fixing my hair.

After a few minutes, Drew came back to the car. He got into his seat without saying a word. He was grim and thoughtful.

“I can bring you to his place.” His voice sounded emotionless. It was exactly what I was dreading the most. That he was hurt by my rejection even more than he was a little earlier.

“No. I am staying with Kate tonight.”

“Okay.”

Ten minutes later, he parked the car near Kate and Tim’s house. He wasn't looking at me anymore. I took my things, opened the door, and climbed outside. Only when I was on the street, I turned to look at Drew.

“Goodnight, Drew.”

“Goodbye, Becca.”

And he was gone. He left me alone with my thoughts, my feelings, and a lot of doubts. One thing I knew for sure: I still wanted to be with Logan. He was the one I needed.

But what if he had sex with Teresa, while he told me that he didn’t? What if he had changed as drastically as Drew was telling me? What if he breaks my heart?