If You Need Me: Chapter 38

Wills is tucked into my side, legs crossed, with her foot hooked behind my calf. My arm is slung over her shoulder, and I rub my thumb back and forth along the exposed skin of her arm. Her hand rests on my thigh, and every so often she digs her nails into my skin through my pants. Because she knows I love it. I press a kiss to her temple, and she smiles, side-eyeing me. Next week training camp starts, and our schedules are about to get busy as hell.

We both have a soft spot for The Hip. I have several playlists with their music, so she bought us tickets when they announced a date at an intimate outdoor venue and invited Ash and Shilpa to join us. I’m a huge fan of double dates with our best friends. The Practically Hip, a Tragically Hip cover band, finishes their first set, and we clap and cheer.

“Why don’t we grab another round before they start the second set?” I say to Ash. “You want the same thing, Wills?” I tap her empty glass.

She tips her head up. “Please.”

Her lips are too tempting to resist, so I bend to kiss her before Ash and I head to the bar.

“You and Hemi seem good,” Ash says.

“Yeah.” On the surface, everything seems perfect. Last week, she was a little off after Rix and Tristan announced their engagement. We both were. It was hard to see them so over the moon with real happiness. I want us to match. But we don’t. And it hurts more than I’d like. I want it to get easier, for her to feel about me the way I feel about her. She’s not there yet though, and it’s a raw wound. I keep telling myself she just needs time.

She’s stayed at my place the last few nights, and things have been explosive in the bedroom, so I’m taking that as a good sign.

We reach the bar and order drinks.

“You ready for the start of the season?” he asks.

“It’s bittersweet with this being Roman’s last one and Hollis’s final contract year, you know?”

Ash nods. “Yeah. But they’re in a good place about it. And it’s great that they get to finish out their careers with Hammer working in-house.”

“I hope Wills and Hammer travel with the team some this season.” The idea of being away from her for longer stretches isn’t appealing. I’d ask her to move in with me now if I thought she was ready.

Ash snorts. “You’re such a goner for that woman.”

“Yeah. I know.”

He claps me on the shoulder. “I need to hit the bathroom.”

I nod as the bartender sets our drinks in front of us, and I hand over my card. “I’ll take these to the girls.”

“You want to wait and I’ll give you a hand?”

“Nah, I got it.”

Ash heads for the bathroom, and I carry the drinks to our table. Shilpa and Wills’s backs are to me, so they don’t see me coming.

“Are you in love with him?” Shilpa asks.

“I don’t know. Maybe?” She sighs and rubs her fingers over her lips. “I feel like I’m still trying to reconcile the past with the present. I know he’s not that guy who laughed when my dress was covered in smoothie in grade nine. But this thing between us still doesn’t feel completely real. His feelings for me are so certain, but for how long? It all feels a little lopsided.”

“Does Dallas know you’re struggling with this?”

She shakes her head and traces a heart carved into the top of the picnic table. “I don’t want to upset him. So many things about being with Dallas are great. Truly. We have the most unreal chemistry, Shilps. The way we connect.” She sighs and drops her head. “But then Tristan and Rix got engaged. I’m so happy for them, but their happiness… It shines a light on how excited I should be about my own engagement.”

Her expression makes my chest feel like it’s caving in.

“I didn’t say yes because I was in love with him. I said it to protect the team and our careers. He did it to prevent me from being the laughingstock of our high school reunion. I never even thought I’d get married, let alone have everyone we know expecting me to plan a wedding. My moms have already created an inspo board. Dallas’s mom has a literal binder filled with wedding things. All the reasons are wrong, and it just taints everything.”

“Oh, Hemi, I’m so sorry. I wish it was different.” Shilpa puts an arm around her shoulders and gives her a side hug.

“Me too. I don’t know how to fix this. I’m not at a place where marriage is even a thought.”

Ash startles me, and the girls turn around. I force a smile and take the seat next to Wills, but I’m a million miles away. Everything I’ve been afraid of is true. I’m in love with her, so ready to spend the rest of my life with her, and she doesn’t know if she wants any part of forever with me.

“Is everything okay?” Wills asks as the band comes back on.

“Everything’s great.” I kiss her shoulder.

She gives me an uncertain look. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, honey.” The lie is covered by a guitar riff.

I don’t hear the rest of the set. And I’m lost in my own head on the way home.

“We just passed your place.” Wills thumbs over her shoulder.

I grip the steering wheel, my throat tight as I pull up to her building and put the car in park.

“Dallas? What’s going on?” she asks, her voice unsteady.

“I overheard your conversation with Shilpa,” I say.

“What conversation?”

“The one about not being excited to be engaged to me,” I say to the windshield.

“Shit. Dallas⁠—”

“I don’t want to lock you into something you don’t want,” I say softly.

“It’s not that I don’t want to be with you⁠—”

“We’re not on the same page, Wills. We’re not even reading from the same book.” And there’s a good chance we never will be.

“Can you look at me and say what you’re going to say, please?” Her voice wavers.

I steel myself, aware that I’m hurting her in ways I never wanted to, not again. But I can’t keep forcing her into a relationship she didn’t ask for. “I love you so fucking much, Wilhelmina. With my whole goddamn heart. But I can’t be engaged to you when I know you don’t want to be engaged to me. It hurts too much.”

“That’s not⁠—”

“Do you love me the way I love you? Like spend the rest of our lives together?” My question is quiet and without judgement.

Her silence drags between us in the car. “I just⁠—’

I hate to argue with her, but I have to get this out. “I get it.” I honestly do, especially with how ecstatic Rix and Tristan are. The person he loves returns that love. “I wish I could take so many things back. I shouldn’t have proposed to you. It was reactive and shortsighted. I shouldn’t have forced you into this with me. I should have owned what I’d done, regardless of what it did to my career. I got caught up in the same shit I did as a teenager, taking the easy way out, and I pulled you into it with me. And then I let you do what you always do and smooth my mistakes over. I won’t do that to you anymore. It’s unfair, and I’ve already hurt you enough.”

“Dallas…” Her voice cracks.

I take in her sad, beautiful face, wishing I could be what she needs. “I want to be with someone who loves me the same way I love them. I’ve had all this time to be in love with you, Wills. All these years to want this with you. I can’t force you to feel the same way about me.” My eyes sting, and wetness tracks down my cheek. I scrub a hand over my face, swallow the pain, and push on. Because I need to do this. For her. For me. For the future I want but can’t have. “This, the way you feel, it’s my fault. I made it this way between us from the very beginning, starting when we were kids. I can’t hold you hostage like this anymore, Wills, living a lie. I won’t. I’m so thankful for the time we’ve had together, but I know I’m not what you want. You would never have chosen me. I pushed you into this, and I’m absolving you of it. And don’t for a second think this is all about you, either. I’m protecting myself as much as I’m saving you from a lifetime of lying about who we are to each other.” I fight not to look away, but God, it’s torture watching her bottom lip tremble. “Loving you like this hurts, Wills. So fucking much. Knowing that I’m alone in the way I feel about you…” I shake my head. “I can’t fall any harder than I have already. I’m not the right guy for you.”

Her chin wobbles as tears track down her cheeks, and my heart cracks in two.

She nods as her eyes dart around, hands sliding up and down her thighs. Her voice is a broken whisper when she says, “Okay.”

The silence in the car is deafening. The click of her seat belt sounds like a gunshot. She makes a soft, desperate sound as she opens the door and climbs out.

I don’t try to stop her. Don’t chase after her. Don’t take back what I said, even though it hurts like hell to let her go.

She closes it and turns away, rushing up the steps to the front door, head bowed, hand at her mouth. She doesn’t look back, but I catch her reflection in the mirrored glass door.

She looks just as devastated as me.