IX: Sounds like a dream to me

《 ASPEN GRISWOLD 》

Rio's eyes were blank, unreadable as they peered at me like I had lost my mind for good. They rocked back on their knees, building distance between us, before turning to stare at Phoenix. A bundle of emotions warred on their face as they fought to find any signs of life from Phoenix's inanimate form.

“It could’ve been a dream.” Rio managed at last, still not tearing their gaze away from Phoenix.

“It was real.” I insisted, and it wasn't false bravado. I had no idea what that amusement park was, but I knew it was more than a figment of my imagination. More than my grief conjuring a version of the world where Phoenix still existed.

“And you’re sure of it?” Rio whispered, at last turning to look at me. There was something raw and vulnerable in their pale blue eyes, and the way they fidgeted with the frayed sleeve of their shirt. “Hundred percent?”

“Yes. One hundred percent.” I told them, emphasizing each word. I watched as a smile spread on Rio's lips, and how the fear shifted to cautious hope, bringing some life back into their dull eyes.

“Gracias a dios.” Rio muttered under their breath, and slung their arms around me. I squeezed them back, and I heard them letting out a breath that was part a sigh of relief and part a cry. “Thank god for that.”

A good while later we parted from the hug and stumbled to our feet. My left leg was on pins and needles from sitting on it for so long, but I shook it a couple of times and we were good to go. With Phoenix's touches and the sound of his voice still fresh in my memory; knowing he wasn't gone, nothing could stop me.

“Are we going or not?” Rain’s voice carried from the kitchen as I hurried down the stairs after Rio.

Rain was sitting by the kitchen window, where Phoenix had spent his last days before the fever obliged him to stay in bed. His backpack was leaning against the table leg, but his tensed up shoulders and the way he hung his head told a different story about his willingness to leave.

“Aspen saw Phoenix.” Rio announced, unable to wait to spill the news any longer. “In his dream. Except it wasn't a dream. It was magic.”

“Sure.” Rain didn't lift his gaze from the window and his voice remained flat, like he hadn't heard any of what Rio said. Then, as the words clicked in his mind, his eyes widened and he turned to stare at Rio: “Sorry, what?”

“Phoenix isn't gone.” Rio emphasized, never once breaking eye contact with Rain. Their smile was in stark contrast against the urgency in their eyes and the tension in their body.

Rain's eyes flicked at me, and I swallowed, clearing my throat. I heard the quiet shuffle of Najwa's footsteps against the floor as she entered the kitchen, a bulging backpack draped on one of her thin shoulders and wearing multiple layers of clothing, all black.

“I used my magic on him and I told him to give me a sign, and when I opened my eyes.. I was in, um, this purple version of Carolina Beach Boardwalk. Phoenix was there and I k—” Heat rushed to my face and I became aware of all the eyes on me as I realized what I was about to blurt out. “He told me he isn't gone.”

“Sounds like a dream to me.” Rain sighed, slumping in his chair. Najwa scoffed, shaking her head in disbelief as tears streaked her cheeks.

“It wasn't.” I insisted as I raked my fingers through my already dishevelled hair. “Look. I know how it sounds, but I was there before, back when Phoenix was still al.. awake, and he told me he had seen the exact same place in his dream. He’s been trying to contact us through music.”

“Like.. how?” Rain whispered. Before I could answer, Najwa dropped her backpack on the floor with a thud and we all turned to look at her. Najwa began to hum some sorrowful tune in a quiet, teary voice.

“When you're all alone, I'll reach for you, when you're feeling low, I'll be there too.” Rain recited the words over the tune Najwa hummed, his eyes filling and overflowing with tears. He started to say something more, but his voice cracked and he cleared his throat before trying again: “It's the only song I like that Phoenix doesn't hate. I thought I heard it on the radio, when the signal broke off.”

The next thing I knew, Rain had jumped up from his chair and pulled Najwa into a squeeze so tight her feet no longer touched the floor. Rio joined them, and pretty soon all of them were laughing and crying. Sobbing, smiling, breathing, alive. I stood there staring at them, thinking that they deserved their happy ending.

Then someone grasped my hand and pulled me in, three pairs of arms wrapping around me. A hollowed-out spot inside my chest, the black blob of grief Phoenix left there, filled with warmth. It was too vast to be gone for good, but for a little while, I was whole again. Maybe, after it was all over, there was some hope left for me too?

“I'm going to get the radio, and then you're going to tell us everything.” Rain informed me when he was already half-way out of the kitchen. I hadn't seen him moving that fast ever since Phoenix got sick, and it had little to do with the pain of his leg being gone.

With the radio sitting in the middle of the table, playing the same old songs Rain had been listening to for weeks, I recounted everything that happened in the dream, letting out just one small detail. I wasn't going to bring up the kisses, or the complexity of my feelings for Phoenix, not before I had time to process them myself.

“Did he seem okay to you?” Rio asked, keeping their voice low so that we would hear Phoenix calling for us from the radio. They leaned their elbows on the table and rested their chin in their palm. “He wasn't still ill?”

“He was fine.” I reassured Rio. I realized I was smiling again, like I didn't know how to stop now that I knew that Phoenix wasn't gone. “Not just fine, happy. It was mostly because of the ki.. uh, because he saw me.”

How bad did I need to confess that we kissed, if it was this hard to keep to myself even for one conversation?

Rain was staring out the window again, chewing at his inner cheek and leaning back on his chair. His arms were crossed over his chest and he was tapping his foot. Whatever excitement he had managed to conjure earlier was already wearing thin, and I could tell he was paying more attention to the radio than to the things we talked about.

Come on, Phoenix, I need a little help here, I sent the thought to him, praying he could read my mind just this once. Convince them. Convince them like you convinced me. Just.. music, now.

The song, where some guy was singing about lonely people and wondering where they came from, warbled and faded into static. In an instant, the atmosphere in the room changed as everyone held their breaths. Rain turned up the volume with one impatient swipe of his hand, and the static grew louder.

I drew my lip between my teeth and bit hard enough to taste blood as I repeated in my mind: please, please, please, make it work.

“Your lips.” I released my lip from between my teeth as I made out the words. “My lips.” The song went on, and cheeks started to burn. I could feel Phoenix's magic crackling in the air, brushing against my lips like it were his fingers instead, and my face grew even hotter. “Apocalypse.”

I forgot there wasn't an occasion serious enough for Phoenix not to flirt. I could feel each of my breath, the strained way my chest rose and fell, and it became all I could think about. So much so that I didn't notice the song fading, but how the static still went on, like Phoenix was waiting.

Waiting for what?

“Phoenix —” Rain began to say at the same time as Rio opened their mouth to explain so fast that the words stumbled together in their hurry to get out: “If you can hear us, we love you to bits and we will do whatever it takes to get you back.”

“It's not the same without you.” Rain joined in, and Rio squeezed his hand over the table either to reassure him or to get reassured by him. “And we’re so, so happy to know you're not gone.”

We fell silent, waiting to hear whether Phoenix was going to answer. He didn't, but the static went on. I could tell he was there, the electric current of his magic making the hair on my arms stand on end.

“Please come back to us.” Najwa's voice was frail and hoarse from disuse, and all of our eyes snapped on her. She hadn't said a word in over a month; I had forgotten what she sounded like. "We need you, babe."

A grin spread on Rain's lips and he grasped Najwa's hand with the one that wasn't holding Rio's. Najwa took Rio's hand in hers, sealing their circle. Even as I was happy for them, I couldn't help feeling left out. Until Phoenix's magic crackled around my hands, in soothing, happy circles, a gesture that felt like a thank-you.

Then it was gone, and the static switched back to the song about lonely people, and the singer asking where they belonged. Rain let go of Rio's hand to turn the volume down, and I missed Phoenix already.

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I haven't felt so excited about writing lately, but I'm sure I'll find my writing motivation again soon. :) I'd better, because things are about to get exciting. I hope you're doing well, and thank you for sticking with the story!