XII: Warm me up

《 ASPEN GRISWOLD 》

I curled my fingers tighter around the tea mug, which did little to keep the chill away. I brought the cup to my mouth and inhaled the pepperminty steam, before setting it on the table and tucking my hands in the kangaroo pocket of my hoodie. With no more clothes to layer on top of my two t-shirts and hoodie, the next step would be to carry a blanket downstairs and wrap myself into it.

I had no idea how we were surviving winter if it was going to get any colder. As unpleasant as it was to worry over our survival, it kept my mind occupied and away from complicated topics such as the kiss. Kisses, in plural.

What was I thinking, skipping so many steps? Oh God, I shouldn't have gone straight to the kiss. Where did that even come from?

The answer came to me right away. I was so happy to find out he wasn't gone, that I didn't stop to think it through. I improvised, and by some miracle Phoenix didn't push me away or smack me in the face.

It had never been this difficult with Liz. With her I didn't second-guess my every decision. I wasn't sure if it was because of all my decisions turning into a disaster of late, because I was still questioning my sexuality or if Phoenix meant more to me than Liz did. But how could he mean more to me, if I had known him for just a couple of months and had been in love with Liz for years?

“Anything?” Rio asked. They were bundled up in a soft, oversized sweater, which had so long sleeves that only the tips of their fingers were showing. Their fingernails were white and bluish from the cold.

I let out a long breath, my chest heaving like I had starved my lungs from oxygen for God knows how long. I shook my head, grateful for the interruption. I needed to focus on more important matters, such as bringing Phoenix back, surviving winter and saving the world. The kisses were insignificant compared to all the other pressing matters.

“Rain and I are going for another gathering trip. Oh, and that reminds me..” Rio paused to fumble for something from their tote back. “This is all we've got right now, plus we need food and more clothes for the winter.”

They placed a stack of batteries on the table, some still in their packages and the rest spilling around in haphazard directions. Some of my tea sloshed on the table in my hurry to stop the batteries before they rolled over the edge and dropped to the floor.

“But what if Phoenix contacts us again? You won't mind not being here? Or if he wakes up?” I knitted my brows, my eyes flicking to the radio and back to Rio.

It had been three days since I last saw Phoenix, but each morning I woke up telling myself it was going to be the day I heard from him again. The day I saw him; the day I brought him back. Maybe I was building myself up for disappointment, but I did so out of sheer necessity, and it was better than despairing over the loss of him.

“If it takes him any longer than that, we might run out of batteries and then he won't be able to contact us at all.” Rio reasoned. “It's your magic he needs to form the contact and Najwa will take turns to stay by the radio.”

“Okay.” I had to admit they had a point. “Will you be gone for long?”

“If we have to go all the way to Asheboro, it'll take days, but I'm..” Rio's voice trailed off as someone sneezed loudly at the door. It startled me enough to make me slosh even more tea on the table, and I cradled the cup in my hands to keep the rest of the drink safe.

“I'm sick.” Najwa pouted, pulling the blanket around her like a child.

“Oh no.” Rio rushed to her, placing the back of their hand on her forehead. “You don't have a fever, but let's get you lying down. I’ll reheat some tea for you and then we can.. we only have painkillers, are those any good?”

When Rio was tucking Najwa under the covers on the couch, Rain staggered downstairs. For a second I thought he was sick as well, but then he yawned and rubbed at his eyes, and I remembered he was taking the night shift to watch over the radio.

“Mm-what’s going on?” He mumbled, furrowing his brows as he finger-combed his hair. Now that it was longer, it had a life of its own. We both needed a haircut. Najwa wanted one too, but we kept putting it off, since there was always something more urgent to do.

“Najwa is ill.” I offered from my spot by the kitchen doorway.

“Oh no.” Rain sounded so horrified I started to wonder whether I should tell him it wasn't Gold fever, but before I could, he said: “She’s such a baby when she's sick.”

“I am not.” Najwa objected in a congested voice, making to get up from the bed. Rio stopped her by placing their palm on her chest, and she laid back down with a huff.

“You are.” Rio pointed out and as Najwa glared daggers at them, they rushed to reassure that they didn't mind looking after her even if she required pampering.

It didn't take me long to come to the same conclusion. Najwa was a bigger drama queen than Phoenix ever was when she was sick, demanding for 24/7 care and comforting in her illness. I didn't mind. It was relieving to see that even Najwa wasn't always independent and invincible.

It became problematic only when Rio woke up with a runny nose and a sore throat the morning they and Rain had planned to leave. We decided it was better to postpone the trip for a couple of days, and I tried not to worry myself sick over the waning battery supplies.

When I was younger, I was sick all the time. Then I started playing soccer and I was rarely sick afterwards. My theory is that mom made my early childhood too sanitary and my immune system got lazy, but the time spent with a bunch of sweaty guys rolling around in the mud forced it to reboot. I no longer played soccer, but I put my hopes on it still guarding me from the flu.

“Here's your bowl.” I handed Najwa her soup and spun around to avoid having to feed it to her. The next bowl I planted in Rio's waiting hands, and they smiled in a form of thank you. “I hope you can't taste anything — it won't be good.”

“Did you cook for us?” Najwa blinked, and her eyes filled with tears. She cooed: “That's so sweet.”

“Don't say anything before..” I let my voice trail off as both Najwa and Rio took a spoonful of the soup. Najwa crunched up her face like she had just tasted a lemon and Rio fought to keep their face deadpan, even though they had trouble swallowing.

At length, they countered: “Well, this is.. something.”

“I'll leave the cooking to Rain next time.” I didn't bother to explain how we didn't have much to cook from. Rain never had either, and he still managed to make the food edible. I had no idea how it was possible, as I mixed a can of tomato purée with some mushrooms and added a bunch of herbs to cover the taste.

I contemplated on ignoring my rumbling stomach and going straight to bed, after my first spoonful. But the soup was warm, and in the end my hunger outweighed the appalling taste. I pinched my nose and gulped down the soup, gagging. Had the tomato purée expired or was I just that terrible cook?

“I'll wake you up, if I hear anything.” Rain promised, patting my shoulder as he sat on the seat next to mine. Darkness had fallen in the room, and the only light was a candle in the middle of the table. It casted warbling, cold shadows on the walls and deepened the hollows of Rain's face.

“Alright.” I covered my mouth as I yawned, and took my bowl to soak in the bucket we had placed in the sink. I noticed Rain hadn’t touched his meal, but I chose to ignore it as I couldn't blame him for not wanting to eat it.

“Try to get some sleep.” I heard Rain calling after me as I climbed up the stairs. My limbs weighed tons and my eyelids drooped, so I tossed my jeans and hoodie with closed eyes and dropped face first to the bed.

But then I just lay there, waiting for sleep to take me under. One minute. Two. Five. Ten. I rolled onto my side and yanked the blanket up to my chin. It was so cold I was surprised my breath didn't puff out in a misty cloud.

There was something about winters that always made me miserable. I wanted Phoenix to turn around, wrap his arm around me and pull me closer. If anything could warm me up, it would be his body heat.

I lifted my hand, letting it hover over Phoenix's shoulder. I knew it would be harsh and chilly against my fingertips, and that it wasn't going to make him turn around. With a sigh, I set my hand on his shoulder.

I blinked. It was solid like metal, like it had been all the previous times our bodies had come to a contact. But it was warm. Warm like metal heated in sunlight, like the bronze statues in our backyard on a sunny day. Not quite alive, but.. not dead either.