XVI: I love you, Aspen Gris-whatever

《 ASPEN GRISWOLD 》

“Oh my god.” Najwa wiped tears from her eyes. “Oh my god.”

It had been that or some version of it for half an hour. I was starting to question whether it was a normal reaction to hearing that your mother isn't gone after all, or if her fever was climbing up again. Maybe it was a combination of the two.

“Oh my god.” Najwa muttered again, and blinked as Rain rubbed comforting circles on her back. Neither he nor Rio had said a word after my relevation, except for a cautioning glance that told me I better not be wrong about it.

“She was fine.” I reassured Najwa, not for the first time, desperate to break the loop she was stuck in. “She’s been keeping Phoenix company, and they're both alright. They have each other.” I wrung my hands together, pacing around the living room. “They are looking for a way to return.”

“Oh. My. God.” Najwa breathed. Had I broken her? Najwa jumped up from the floor, grabbing my hands and staring up at me pleading, teary eyes. “Can she come back?”

“I think so.” I confirmed with a cautious smile, growing twitchy with nerves. But it was good news, right?

“Oh my fucking god.” A wide grin spread on Najwa's lips as she began to dance around, tugging at my hands and leaving me no other option than to follow her lead. She hopped up to peck my cheek and squeezed me into a hug, before continuing our dancing. She laughed and gushed: “I love you, Aspen Gris-whatever!”

“You still don't remember my last name after all we've been through together?” I laughed along with her as she noted that it wasn’t her fault I had such a fancy last name.

“So, what do we do to get mom and Phoenix back?” Najwa asked and plopped to sit down on the armrest of the couch. Rio wrapped their arm around her, their smile as wide and radiant as when they heard the good news about Phoenix. Rain, too, was beaming as bright as he had when Rio kissed him for the first time.

“We could start by surviving the winter.” Even if my stomach was quivering, I needed to take charge on this side. So I puffed out my chest and corrected my posture, imitating confidence. “Phoenix suggested that I should go on that scavenging trip with Rain, so I'll go. If that's okay with you.”

Rain turned to look at Najwa and Rio, estimating the risks of leaving them on their own. But Najwa was already feeling better, and it wouldn't take too long for Rio to get up and help her with cooking and other necessities. They would be fine.

“And what if we need to hunt another deer?” Rain moved to the second dilemma: leaving the cottage with me.

“Then I'll.. do it.” I promised. If that was what it took, then I better do it.

“No you won't.” Rain sighed, but then hopped up from the couch all the same and offered his hand to me. I hesitated before taking it. Rain gave my hand a firm shake, telling me: “And you don't have to. I just.. Alright. Let's get going, that's all I meant to say.”

“What should we do in the meantime?” Rio croaked out, holding their hand on their throat like that would help to alleviate its soreness. It wasn't as chilly in the living room now that Rain had managed to fix the fireplace, but Rio remained bundled up in their blankets and sweaters.

“Keep the fire going.” Rain hummed as he leaned down to tuck back Rio's hair and kiss their forehead. Then he rested his chin on the top of Najwa's head and squeezed her hand, murmuring: “Stay warm, listen to the radio and get better. We'll be back before you even notice it.”

Witnessing their love and those small acts of casual affection made me miss Phoenix. I couldn't help the twinge of jealousy in my chest, because they could kiss and hug while they were awake. They could fall asleep next to each other and wake up with their sleep-warm bodies huddled together. But maybe Phoenix and I could have all those things too, one day.

I just had to make it happen.

“I'll go pack.” I informed Rain, before rushing up the stairs.

When I regrouped with the others in the living room, Rain appeared from the front door with water bottles in his arms. He took them in the kitchen and left most of them behind, just stuffing one in the side pocket of his backpack.

Rain and I never had much to talk about, so only the faint thud of his cane and the twigs snapping under our feet accompanied our journey through the woods. Rain crouched down to look for roots, plants and mushrooms every now and then, but otherwise we kept a steady pace.

My thoughts wandered to Phoenix, and I tried to count how much time had passed on his side. It couldn't have been much more than an hour. I wanted to ask Rain if he missed Najwa and Rio already, but it would have led to more questions. The kind of questions I wasn't ready to answer yet.

We made camp before dusk, as I caught Rain flinching when he put too much weight on his bad leg and my stomach was twisting with hunger. Rain managed to hunt two squirrels, which he roasted by the fire. I still had to cover my ears and press my eyes shut as Rain prepared the meat, but he didn't scold me about it.

“There's something you want to ask me.” Rain prompted as he sent a sorrowful glance towards the skewed squirrel in his hands. “So, just go ahead and ask it already.”

"Your name is Adrian." I was certain I wouldn't be able to swallow a bite of the meat, but in the end, the hunger won. My body fought to stay alive, and after hours of walking, I was famished. Between the bites, I asked: “So why does everyone call you Rain?”

Rain's eyebrows twitched, but then a small softened the look of surprise. “Well.. It was all thanks to Phoenix.”

“Naturally.” I said. Rain's eyebrows rose again at the tender tone I had used, but he stored the knowledge away for a later conversation.

“I can't remember when or even why he started it.” Rain explained, before gnawing at the meager meat and chewing it down without a sign of hurry. He was quiet for so long I thought he was done talking, but at last he mused: “He was probably just too lazy to spell my name.”

“And what about Phoenix? Why does no one use his first name?” I realized it was what I had been circling around for with my first question.

“There was another Elian in our class.” Rain chuckled, warmth swelling in his eyes. “And Phoenix had a better ring to it than Eli or Lian.”

I squinted my eyes at the half-eaten squirrel, not knowing what to say. I took a bite to buy myself more time to think; it wasn't bacon, but with salt and pepper it wasn't far off from chicken. When Rain opened his mouth again, my head snapped up in surprise, as I thought I wouldn't get anything more out of him.

“I don't know why I never realized that he was ill. But it explains so much about.. well, everything.” Rain's voice was a soft hum. “He's brilliant, but he's never done well at school. It was hard for him to sit still through classes, and he always got into trouble. The headmaster probably had nightmares about him and his tricks, and.. Why am I telling you all this?”

“I asked.” I answered, like that was enough of a reason. Rain gazed at me in a thoughtful silence. It was quiet in the woods by then, even the crackling of the fire loud enough to echo in the late evening air. “And I don't think Phoenix would mind.”

“Well, yeah, I guess not.” Rain shrugged. “He had this.. pattern, where he’d be bursting with energy and ideas first, then he'd get in trouble, and when he had to face the consequences, he.. It was scary to see him like that. And I know Phoenix still blames himself for all those things he's done. But it was never his fault.”

“How so?” I breathed. Rain was a good friend, and anyone could tell how much he cared about Phoenix, but his face still twisted with guilt. Guilt that soon turned into anger.

“His mother should have taken him to see a doctor and not just pretend there was nothing wrong with him. His dad could have listened to him for just fucking once. They were wrong to make him hide it like it was some dirty secret.” Rain let out a trembling huff, concluding his point with: “That's just bad parenting.”

“It's good he has Birdy now.” I pointed out, lacking better things to say.

“Yup, she’s the best.” Rain agreed. He was turning around the skew, trying to find more meat. “I can't wait to have her back too.”

What was it that she said about Phoenix and me? The fire sent sparkles in the air, orange flames dancing in my vision. The sticks underneath had burned to embers, so I tossed in a couple of more. It was going to be a cold night and I rather stayed warm for as long as I could.

I am the gasoline and Phoenix is the spark. When we collide..

“We catch fire.” I only realized I had said it out loud when Rain made a questioning sound. “Nothing, sorry, I was just thinking out loud.”

“Hmh.” Rain tossed his skew into the ambers. He covered his mouth with his hand as he yawned. “If that's all, I'm gonna get some sleep.”

He unrolled his sleeping bag and clambered in, closing his eyes. I set down what was left of my meal and turned back to the fire. Once Rain's breathing deepened into soft snores, I became aware of our surroundings; the woods still creeped me out, even though my magic could keep us safe from any harm.

I put on Phoenix's headphones, but didn't press play. I wanted to get lost in Phoenix's songs, and use my magic to call out for him, to feel closer to him in any way I could. But the idea of a half-finished thought gnawed at my conscience, and I couldn't let it go.

Every time something bad happened in Phoenix's life, whether it was his doing or the end result of his parents negligence, he had to start again. Destruction and rebirth, over and over again. Like a phoenix bird, he burned and rose from his ashes. So, if I was the gasoline and Phoenix the spark, what would that make us?

The fire.

We're the fire, and I burned him, but the phoenix bird can rise..

I needed to get some sleep. Phoenix isn't some mythological creature. My name is Aspen and the last time I checked, I’m not a tree. Rain doesn't fall from the sky, apart from that one time he fell from the mountain, and Birdy isn't a bird. Those are just names, given to us because we didn't have the face of Lian or our friend was too lazy to use our full name.

It was easy to cast the idea away as ridiculous, but I still dreamed of fire and embers. Of birds rising from their ashes; gold melting in the heat.