XXIV: How long has it been?

《 ASPEN GRISWOLD 》

I remember little from our race back to the cottage; the hooves clopping against the ground and the chilly wind beating my face, the snowflakes in my eyes like shards of glass when they hit me in high-speed. Then, by some miracle, a new day began to dawn and the cottage was in front of us.

“Wait up.” Rain requested, but I was already sliding down the side of Banshee and running as soon as my feet touched the ground.

Najwa appeared in the living room doorway after I slammed the front door open, and her mouth was moving, but I didn't stop to hear what she wanted to say. When I bounced up the stairs, I heard Rain murmuring something to Najwa and Rio. It was all a blur in my ears. Then I was kneeling by the bed, pressing my palms on Phoenix's golden remnants.

“I'm here.” I whispered, pressing my eyes shut and lowering my forehead against his. It was hard and unyielding, but warmer than the air around us, resembling a living thing.

Each time I tried to contact him or visit the dreamside, my stomach knotted with the fear of something going wrong and never seeing him again. This time the fear had a bigger, more demanding presence. Hence, when I opened my eyes on the dreamside, my first reaction was relief.

In the next blink, I realized the wrongness of it.

Bleak gray blended with the once vibrant purple of the sky, and the neon lights of the amusement park had all gone out. The smell of popcorn and cotton candy still lingered, but it was rancid where it had been buttery, cloying where it had been sweet. The music playing from the speakers was slow and warped, ominous.

I swallowed, rooted to the spot. Was I having a nightmare? But no, it was too vivid, my senses too honed, for it to pass for a dream. As a shudder ran up my spine, I forced my body back to function; I had to get to Phoenix, no matter how scared I was of this place.

“Phoenix!” My shrill voice gave away just how afraid I was, but the farther I ran, the more I realized the fear was for Phoenix, not for myself.

The air didn't just smell, it was heavy. Oppressing. Like the place didn't want me there, like it was furious. But it made no sense. Places don't have feelings, they just exist.

I reached a hamburger stall, with one of its windows smashed in, my eyes casted upwards to the ferris wheel. Once I passed the corner, I slammed against someone so hard I stumbled back and sent the other person sprawling to the ground.

It all happened so fast and he looked so different that I only recognised him from his scent, as he shot up to his feet and threw his arms around me. I whispered his name and held him back with all my might, stupefied to find his face so gaunt and his jaw patched with stubble.

And so my first question to him, with my face buried in the crook of his neck, was: “How long has it been?”

“Three weeks..? A month? I've lost count..” Phoenix rasped, then pushed me on arm's length to look at my face. His movements were jittery, his eyes darting around like he was having a hard time keeping still. “Are you really here? And not just.. collywobbles. Or a hallucination, I don't know, but are you? Real, I mean, are you real?”

“Of course I am.” I cupped the sides of his neck, my fingertips twining together at his nape. I rested my forehead against his, finding his skin cool and clammy. “It hasn't even been a week on my side.”

“Isn't this place just so amazing?” Phoenix chuckled without a jot of joy. When he blinked, I noticed the dark circles under his eyes, and the lines of exhaustion on his face, so I guided his head on my shoulder. He let out a shaky exhale and slumped against me, muttering: “I really thought.. It almost made me believe..”

“What did?” I asked, angling his chin upwards so that I could see his face. A crazed look gleamed in his eyes, wild desperation turning them razor-sharp. I brushed my fingers along his stubbled jaw and like a cat he leaned into the touch. “Phoenix. What happened here while I was gone?”

“Everything.” Phoenix chuckled, just a breathy sound from his throat. Then he started to ramble: “First there was this notebook.. Rio's notebook, actually. And anyhow, I went looking for it because, you know, a make-out session.. Well, then it started to rain. The rain — wait, no, the notebook.. It's such a wiseass, but it told me that Birdy just needs to set me on fire, but like on this side so I guess it won't really count as dying. And then the rain told me that you're not real, and this is just a coma dream and.. Well, I haven't eaten in days and I'd die for a glass of water, so that's.. Yeah.”

When he was done, he sucked in a deep breath, having been too busy with the words to do so earlier. I blinked, then stared at him for a beat and blinked again. “Um, what?”

Phoenix repeated his story, slower this time. It still made little sense to me, but I could grasp the general idea: Phoenix had been stuck in this place for weeks, while it found different ways to torture him, and now he needed me to bring him back from the brink of sanity. What came to the burning alive part, I would have to get back to it later.

“Okay.” I countered, trying to come up with a plan. As I eyed Phoenix's drained composition, I decided to start by finding him food and water. “Let's find you a place to rest and in the meanwhile, I'll go look for —”

“No, don't leave me.” Phoenix shook his head, eyes wide with horror, and grasped my wrist.

“I wasn't going to..” I trailed off, realizing I would have to knock Phoenix unconscious before he would let me go anywhere without him. All I had meant was for him to sit down somewhere nearby while I searched for food, anyway. “We'll go together.”

Phoenix made sure I kept my promise by clutching my wrist, never more than a step behind me. When I first came here, starving, Phoenix had conjured a bucket of popcorn by blinking his eyes. He hadn't gotten hungry back then, but now that he was, this place wouldn't give him anything to eat or drink? Did it want him dead? And how was it possible to be this angry with a place?

I was gritting my teeth and craning my neck to see inside the food stalls, when Phoenix asked: “Are you hungry?”

“No.” I offered him a smile. “We found food. Enough to get us through winter if Rain can hunt once in a while.”

“Oh, that's..” Phoenix trailed off, nodding. He was looking at something in the distance, but his face gave away no indication of what had made him stop talking. When he noticed my silence, he gave me a bashful grin, and explained: “Sorry. I forgot this wasn't just me talking to myself.. I'll have to start finishing my sentences again.”

He was going to start from the next one, since he left his answer hanging in the air. I opened my mouth to ask him about it, but then something else caught my attention. An ice cream stall, one I swore had been just a gray blob with no actual windows or labels on it before. Through the glass I could see a variety of soda cans and..

“You like sparkling water, don't you?” My question made Phoenix's eyes widen, while his lips spread to a grin. He even let go of my wrist long enough for me to climb in.

When I returned, balancing the beverages in one arm and a bag of ice cream cones in the other, Phoenix was already reaching out for the drink. He finished it in one go and then hauled the rest of the drinks to himself, still managing to clutch at my sleeve on our way back to the ferris wheel.

While Phoenix munched the dry ice cream cones, I told him about our scavenging trip and the encounter with the bear. Even though he remained jittery, his gaze was more focused once he got drink and food.

At some point, Phoenix inched his way to my side. He rested the back of his head on my shoulder and I wrapped my arm around him. The notebook balanced on his knee as he showed me its contents, explaining each page to me with a quiet, murmured voice.

“Why is it doing all this?” I asked and gestured at our surroundings. “This place was a dream at first, but now it's more like a..”

“Nightmare?” Phoenix finished for me. He snuggled closer, gazing at the distance. Then he patted the notebook. “I found this bad boy. It's literally the only thing that changed.”

“And it has given you answers.” I hummed, my fingers stopping their motion on Phoenix's skin. I had been drawing shapes on his side, underneath his ribs, which were too prominent for my comfort. “So.. Is this place trying to keep you here or murder you?”

“Both?” Phoenix guessed. Then, with more urgency: “Aspen. I need to get away from here. I don't even care about losing my magic or being bi— burned alive. I just can't stay here.”

“I know.” I hugged him closer, and then, because I hadn't said it out loud earlier: “I'll give away my magic. To get you back I'll do it, gladly.”

“So, what the hell do we do now?” Phoenix was sounding more like himself, at least for the cursing part.

“Have you talked about this to Birdy? Did she agree to..” I sat up straighter, as the notion of Phoenix having to be burned alive struck me.

“I haven't seen her in weeks.” Phoenix's words made my focus snap back to him. “Not since you left.”

“You've been here all this time all alone?” Phoenix's silence was an answer enough, and it took me a moment to gather myself. Once I did, the answer seemed obvious. “Next, we'll find Birdy.”

“How?” Phoenix sighed. “We can't just walk out of here and into her dreamscape, can we?”

It was meant as a sarcastic remark, but we both grew silent as we thought about it. Could it be that easy? The whole idea was absurd, and there was no way it would work, but..

A crooked smile spread on Phoenix's lips, and he lifted his brows, asking me again: “Can we?”