XXV: We are real

《 ELIAN PHOENIX 》

I clutched onto Aspen like a leech, dreading that he might disappear if I didn't keep him right there with me. Even if time ran faster on this side, and a day here was just a minute on his side, I wasn't putting my trust on that. It had changed once, and it could easily change again.

As I had come to learn that trusting my senses was a slippery slope, I was half-convinced Aspen was a hallucination, just another trick of the dreamscape to crumble what was left of my tottering mental health.

The rope I was clinging on was already unraveling, and it wouldn't take much for it to snap. I was surprised I had even made it this far without falling apart. Anyhow, since Aspen, or the visage of him, had found me something to eat and drink, my head no longer swam. Thinking didn't hurt and the words came easier once the hunger fog was gone.

“Ouch.” Aspen grumbled, as I pinched his forearm. It felt real, and every detail from his voice to the way he moved was just right. Or, was it perhaps too right..? I mumbled something I believe was a half-decent answer to his question, and let my hand drop back to my lap.

At first the dreamscape had given me enough food and water to keep me from starving, but in the last week or maybe two I had had to get accustomed to light-headedness and an aching stomach again. And believe me, it was as mind-wrenching as the worst-case scenarios of the dreamscape, which kept me tossing and turning all night.

“How soon are you ready to try?” Aspen asked. We both knew time was of the essence, and that with each moment spent hesitating the sand in our hourglass kept trickling down.

And yes, we were going to do it: walking into that white nothingness, hoping we didn't die before we found our way out of here. Perhaps we were mad to try it, but seriously, what else was there to do? To wait for Birdy to show up again, and try not to starve with whatever scraps the dreamscape was willing to give me? So, really, what was crazier, to stay where we were or take a leap of faith?

“We might as well go right now.” My palms had begun to sweat, so I wiped them clean and stood up with some effort. “I'm not doing it when it's dark and I'll jump off the top of this ferris wheel if I have to wake up alone in this hellhole one more time.”

I wasn't just running my mouth or being a drama queen. My patience was at its limit, and it was no longer a matter of throwing a tantrum, but.. Jumping off the ferris wheel or setting the whole goddamn dreamscape on fire. Or promising to be its forever and becoming a mindless zombie, or whatever it was it wanted from me.

“Alright then.” Aspen gave me a solemn nod and got to his feet. He was smiling, but it didn't reach his eyes or melt away the tension on his jaw. He offered me his hand and I took it, intertwining our fingers together. “Let's try not to die.”

“That would be ideal, yes.” I agreed, as a grin spread to my lips, despite the pit in my stomach.

Holding the notebook in one of my hands and clutching Aspen's hand with the other, I knew I wasn't leaving behind anything I would miss. I was sick and tired of the beach and the purple sky, and if I woke up, I wasn't going to set foot in another amusement park ever again. Like, seriously, I fucking hated that place and every fucking thing about it.

We walked hand in hand past the huge Big Burgers sign, now rusty and weathered, and then the soft serve stall, until we reached the merry-go-round. It was the farthest I had ever dared to go, and looking past it to the mist made my eyes sting. We both faltered in our steps, but then, after one last look at each other, we entered the mist.

Fog filled my nostrils, fresh like a misty lake in a morning and heavy like a blanket of wet wool over my shoulders. I could feel Aspen's grasp of my hand tightening, but he was too far and already the fog was too thick for me to see him. I stepped forward, deeper into the whiteness.

None of this is real..

I pressed my eyes shut, giving my head a shake. It wouldn't fool me this time, not after all the torture it had put me through these past three or four weeks. There was no way in hell I'd stop, no matter what lies it was spewing at me to keep me locked in.

I pushed forward, and my steps were strenuous, like walking in half-dried cement. I could feel the dreamscape's hold on me, its reluctance to let me go.

You're lying on a bed in a locked ward, in a mental institute, staring at a wall with eyes that see nothing..

“Oh shut up.” I clamped my fingers tighter around Aspen's, using his touch as an anchor to keep myself tethered in the real world, and not in the lies the dreamscape spun over my head.

If I weren't ready to fight tooth and nail for my own salvation, I was willing to do pretty much anything for Aspen. He had come back for me. He was real, he had to be, and we were going to get through this fog, find Birdy and save the goddamn world. And then, very much preferably, have that make-out session.

You tell the nurses you're magical, that the world ended because you used your mind to make the money disappear.. they smile and look at you with pity.

I halted, blinking.

There's no fog, just the white wall..

"Come on." Aspen's voice brought me back from my thoughts and I realized I had started to turn on my heels, heading to the amusement park without meaning to. Aspen had passed me and was now pulling me forward.

When you leave..

"Yeah." I managed.

..no one will be waiting for you.

Well, that was just bullshit. With Aspen by my side, and knowing deep in my bones that somewhere my friends were still alive and waiting for me, there was no going back. Each step took a hell of an effort, but I pushed through, gritting my teeth.

But then I felt Aspen's hold loosening, his fingers falling limp.

I stepped back in a haste, my heart hammering and my stomach twisting with fear. I was afraid that something had struck him, but when I was close enough to see him, his eyes were wide open. They were the clearest of greens and far, far away from me, staring blankly at something I couldn't see.

"What's wrong?" I demanded, looping my free arm around him and pressing the notebook against his back. Aspen's eyes darted to me, alert and fully awake. He craned his neck to look around, before turning back to me.

"Can't you hear them?" He whispered, and then, without a warning, pulled his hand free. He dashed away, but I managed to snatch the back of his shirt, letting the notebook drop from my grip. It was less important than him. I yanked Aspen right back to me.

"It's not real!" I shouted and circled my fingers around his wrist, never letting go of him again. But he tried to run, his breathing coming out in ragged gasps. "Whatever it says, it's lying."

"My sisters.." Aspen was shaking against me, tears running down his cheeks. It hit me right there and then that he was no mirage. He truly was there and if he ran, I was going to lose him for real. My heart began to thud in my chest so hard I felt sick.

"Are not here." I insisted, and when his eyes still darted around, his muscles taut and ready to escape from my hold any moment, I cupped his cheek and willed him to see me: "It's not real. I am real, look at me. We are real."

"But.." Aspen began to object.

I shut him up by bringing our lips together. It was a hard, violent kiss, tasting of salty tears and desperation. Aspen didn't react at first, his lips pressed in a firm line, but then he melted in my arms. His lips captured mine with burning need, as he squeezed his arm around my waist.

Against my lips, he breathed: "Alright, I'm.. Let's get going."

This is all for nothing.

I took a step forward and pulled Aspen after me, filled with a fierce need to get him to safety. So fierce that I could push forward even though my lungs ached for air and the muscles of my legs burned with the effort. Yet, with every step, I grew weaker.

There's no way out.

I leaned onto Aspen, as he looped his arm under my armpits, while supporting his body on mine. His chest was heaving and sweat trickled down his forehead, but when my knees buckled, he pulled me right back up.

You belong to me.

I shook my head, gritting my teeth. That shitty dreamscape didn't own me, and I absolutely, bloody refused to give up. But as my vision swam and Aspen stumbled next to me, I realized we weren't going to make it.

You're mine.

At least I got to die by Aspen's side, and not alone, stuck in that god-awful amusement park. Aspen glanced at me, and his eyes mirrored the same realization as he gave me a sad, resigned smile, resting the side of his head against mine. I swayed, letting my eyelids flutter shut and..

Mine, mine, mine.

A pair of arms appeared from the fog. They were thin, but their grip was strong and warm when they pulled us through something that felt like water. Behind us, the amusement park screamed, already withering without my magic to feed on.

Because it was the weak one, the one who had nothing or no one without me. It had tried to lull me into a sense of comfort, and when that hadn't worked, it had tried to break me. To shatter me so completely I was never going to leave it. But I didn't let it. I was stronger than it ever had been, and I had someone waiting for me at the other side of the cage.