XXVIII: In sickness and in health etc.

《 ELIAN PHOENIX 》

When Aspen woke up, it wasn't as bad as I had dreaded it would be. It was probably because I wasn't alone. I wasn't alone for one goddamn moment, in fact. It all started the minute I made the mistake of asking Birdy for a shaver within earshot of the others. Once they found out I was truly quote-unquote alive, I became even more of a miracle to them.

I could feel eyes drilling into me as I sunk my teeth in one of the apples Birdy picked for me from the threes outside. It was juicy and crisp and all in all a perfect specimen of an apple, just on a side note. The stares escorted me to the campsite shower blocks some moments and four apples later, but thank Mother Earth they let me shower and freshen up in peace.

It had been months since I last took a real shower, and I revered the steaming water running down my skin. I hummed as I dunked my face underneath the stream, then lathered my hair and armpits with a general amount of citrus scented body wash.

A good while later, as I changed into a crisp set of linen clothes and took a look at my freshly shaven face, I marveled at the way a simple shower could make you feel more like a human. I still looked like shit, but hey, at least I didn't smell like it.

Once I had had my fill of staring at my face, I dragged myself out of the steamy shower block. With a sigh, I picked up my belongings and stepped out into the bright summer afternoon.

“Jesus fucking Christ.” I squeaked, halfway to a heart attack as I slammed into someone on the other side of the door. The toiletry bag slipped from my hand and as the culprit of my almost heart attack bent down to pick it up, I hissed at him: “You scared me.”

“Good to know you haven't lost your profanities.” Levi pointed out as he handed me the toiletry bag. “I figured this would be the best chance to get you all to myself for a moment. I still.. We need to talk.”

“Nothing good ever comes after those words.” I mumbled more to myself, but nodded all the same. At least we were no longer dating, so Levi couldn't break up with me again. And so I told him: “Alrighty then, lead the way.”

It occurred to me to ask Levi if he too could move between dreamscapes, but before I could, Levi had led us to a riverbank. They didn't just have a camp dining hall there, but a whole camping site. I wondered whose cherished memory it had been.

Levi sat on the ground, the sand packed tight and flecked with dry needles. It looked like the wet dream of an ant, so I opted on balancing my butt on one of the rocks instead. Even though Levi insisted on talking, he wasn't in a hurry to start. He just stared down at the murky water, his dark curls curtaining half of his face.

At last he said, in a soft, thoughtful voice: “The Griswolds seem nice.”

“Oh. Yeah.” Was apparently the best answer I could come up with. But in my defence, I had just spent a month alone in a deranged amusement park.

My mind wandered back to the absolutely stunning brown-haired woman, whose green eyes had searched around the room for potential threats like she was a mama bear protecting her cubs. She had held onto her son like she was never going to let the world rip them apart again.

“The mother keeps mostly to herself, but the girls like to play with the other kids.” Levi re-adjusted his shirt and matted down his curls, bashful like he was the one who had royally fucked up our previous attempt to talk things through. “So.. You and Aspen, huh?”

I was thinking about the way Aspen's mom had only let him go as his sisters started whining it was their turn, and how Aspen had smiled as he scooped both girls in his arms and swirled them around while they giggled. Would Aspen want to go back to live with them once this was all over?

“Uhm, well, yes.” I managed. And why the fuck did I feel like I owed Levi an explanation for moving on? “I know it's soon, but.. We have a lot in common, with the whole everyone hates us business, and he's been there for me and it just sort of happened.”

“Phoenix, relax.” Levi smiled. “I don't want to get back together.”

“Because I'm bipolar?” I cocked up an eyebrow, tired of beating around the bush and just wanting to get straight to the point. It was, after all, what our conversation was going to be about.

“What? No.” Levi exclaimed. He twisted around to face me, peering at me like he wanted to scold me for joking about serious stuff, but then frowned. “Jesus, Phoenix, seriously. That's not it at all.”

“So you're telling me my groping and crashing your car has nothing to do with it?” I queried, only half-joking. Levi let out a long-suffering sigh and humored me with a wry smile.

“I was never mad about the car or the groping. You lied to me.” Levi muttered and averted his gaze to his hands on his lap. His brows drew together again, as he pondered over his next words. “You could have just told me that you're bipolar, you know.”

“Yeah, well..” I grimaced. Levi made it sound so simple, but back then it had been anything but. “I'm sorry.”

“I admit I'm no expert about it, but I would have learned for you.” Levi sighed and added, mournfully: “And I would have been there for you.”

I pressed my eyes shut, but they still prickled and burned. I took a calming breath, but it only filled my lungs halfway. Because yes, of course Levi would have been there for me. If only I had told him the truth.

“When we..” I cleared my throat and tried again: “When I return the money, it'll take all my magic. I haven't had any episodes since I got it, but.. They'll start again. That's the price.”

I don't know what I expected Levi's answer to be to my little heart-to-heart, but it wasn't: “Does Aspen know?”

“Not about the price, not yet.” I looked anywhere but at Levi, who knew me way too well for my comfort.

“He loves you —”

“I don't know if I would call it love.” I frowned, the big word scaring me more than the idea of burning myself alive. "It's way too soon for that."

“He likes you.” Levi amended with a magnificent eye-roll. “And maybe I'm not the best person to tell you this, but I can tell how much he likes you. And when you like someone that much.. He'll take you as you are.”

“In sickness and in health et cetera?” A smile tucked up the corners of my mouth. The sun was warm on my skin, almost too bright not to cover my eyes from it. Everything was so much more substantial in this dreamscape, like I had spent the last month buried in a dream and had been wide awake ever since I walked through that mist.

“Et cetera.” Levi let out a soft laugh, grinning at me. Then, as if seeing right through my attempts to make light of it, he added: “Just tell him.”

“Ugh, fine, I will.” I gave in. I stared into the horizon, the trees on the other side of the murky river.

There was no mist there, the landscape deceptively realistic. Unlike in the amusement park, there were no clear signs of it being a dream: no purple suns or pathways leading nowhere. This place felt like just a place, not something with feelings to be hurt.

“For whatever it's worth, I'm happy for you.” Levi nudged my shoulder, and there was this overwhelming affection bursting in my chest. Not romantic love, nothing like that, but I cared for him a great deal. Levi glanced over his shoulder and said: “We should head back soon, or the others will worry.”

Indeed, there was work to be done. There was the part of the saviour, cult leader flash hero to be played. There was a world to save and sacrifices to make. We had waited for months, and the time to make it right was finally at hand, and somehow I still wasn't ready. But, ready or not, I would do it.

“For whatever it's worth.” I echoed Levi's words as I stood up from the stone. “I'm sorry for your car and groping you, and lying.”

“Your dad paid for the car. And for the rest, saving the world will be enough to earn my forgiveness.” Levi grinned as he linked his elbow with mine, leaning on me as we trudged back to the camp. “And, hey, I'm sorry too. For how it all played out.”

Back at the camp I worked with a group of people, looking for scraps of wood and getting to know the stories of those who had been just faces in the crowd before. It was strange to be treated like some kind mythological creature, but the fact that I got hungry, sweated through my shirt and needed time to stretch my sore muscles was a miracle on this side.

As I sat down, draining another bottle of water, I thought about Levi's words, his apology and what he had said about Aspen. Aspen, who had been gone for almost a day, and if I was going to burn tomorrow, I wanted to see him first. Just to be sure. Besides, I needed to tell him what the price was.

I could be the hero these people mistook me for and I could be a better boyfriend for Aspen than I ever was to Levi. It didn't sound too demanding compared to the pyre I was building for myself. Because if I could burn myself alive, being honest couldn't possibly be that hard.

“Phoenix.” And there Aspen was, like I had summoned him with my thoughts. But whereas the sight of him made my face split into a smile, the tension didn't ease from his shoulders as he gazed back at me.