XXX: I'll see you tomorrow

《 RIO VERGARA 》

“No way.” Phoenix's voice carried through the headphones, crackling like any long-distance call would. I averted my gaze to the notebook, which was laying on my lap. Regret weighed on my heart, for having picked it up at all. “I'm. Not. Letting. You. Do. It.”

It was weird to talk to Phoenix, whose golden statue stared back at me from the bed. It was even more disconcerting that Aspen, who was on the other side with Phoenix, was laying next to him on this side as well. His eyes were closed, making rapid movements under the lids. Like he was having a regular dream.

“Aspen told you?” In all fairness, I hadn't really believed he could keep it from Phoenix. And also, I wasn't all that sure I truly wanted him to.

“I broke him in like five minutes.” Phoenix declared with a gloomy huff. “But seriously, don't think even for a second that I'll let you do what you think you're doing.”

“Phoenix..” I breathed, pressing my eyes shut to keep the tears from welling there. My mouth curved into a small smile, one so sorrowful I was glad Phoenix couldn't see it. “I'm not asking for your permission.”

Heavy silence fell over us, filled only with the sound of Phoenix's breathing and the faint crackle of the connection. He was never that quiet. And really, it was almost as bad as the torment in Rain's eyes when the realization had dawned to him.

“What's the point then?” Phoenix demanded in a flat, spiritless tone. “When we return the money and cure everyone, the world will just go back the way it was. And you'll have to pay the price of our mistakes, and Rain and Najwa will be miserable and Aspen will never forgive himself. I’ll still be a train wreck, and..”

Another silence filled the headphones, and this time it lasted so long I thought the connection had broken off. I wondered how Phoenix had managed to make the call: had he found a radio or had he learned a way to make his magic work without music?

I was startled by Phoenix's words when he eventually continued: “Everything's just going to be worse than it was before. If that's what we get after all this, what's the fucking point of any of it?”

“The point is..” I kept my voice soft, soothing. “That some people will have realized what's more important than money, some of them will cherish their family and friends just that much harder. You'll have met Aspen, and Rain and I, we..”

Without Aspen's magic, I wouldn't have had the courage to confess my feelings to Rain. I would have gone till the end of times yearning after him, and not have learned the shape of his body, the taste of his lips or the depth of his love. And so, if all we got were these months, it was still more than I could ever have dreamed of.

“If I make it out of this alive, I can work through the fear just to be with him. If I don't.. I was happy for a while. You’ve been the most amazing friends. Tu eres mi familia.” Tears were spilling down my cheeks. “A few things in this life actually make sense or even have a point, but my time with you has never been pointless.”

Back in my hometown, with a name that didn't belong to me and a brother who tormented me every waking moment, family wasn't a word I could say without it tasting bitter on my tongue. With Najwa, Rain, Phoenix, Birdy and now Aspen, I've recreated its meaning. At last I have a family I would be honoured to give my life for.

“But you've always been the most selfless of us, and you should be the last person to have to sacrifice anything for this.” Phoenix let out a sharp breath, one that told me I wasn't the only one tearing up. “If someone has to die, I’ll.. give mine.”

“Aspen already offered that.” I wouldn't have let him or Phoenix do it, even if it had been possible. “Just.. Please, let me do this for you.”

“No way.” Phoenix wouldn't budge.

“It's not just your life. It's also the lives of Birdy, Aspen's family, Levi and God knows how many billion people.” I told him. “And I might very well not die, we don't know how any of this works.”

Aspen had saved my life with his magic, after my troath had swollen shut. I hadn't needed EpiPen because the reaction was gone, but had Rain used one anyway? I couldn't remember, and I'm not sure if it made any difference either way. But how far could undoing his magic reach? Could my heart stop again, even if the allergen was long gone from my body?

“Still, I don't like this. There has to be another way.” Phoenix huffed. He was quiet for a beat and I could see in my mind's eye how he pursed his lips into a displeased line.

“There is no other way.” It was the unfortunate truth, and one of the many things my notebook had taught us. Like it had told me when to pick up Phoenix's Walkman, just in time to receive his call.

“This is such a clusterfuck.” Phoenix fumed. “I'm so tired of this bullshit, and I swear that the next —”

“It'll all be over tomorrow.” I cut in. “Whatever the outcome, it will finally be over. And maybe I'll see you then, wouldn't that be amazing?”

“Mmh.” Phoenix sniffled, his anger shifting to sorrow. “Isn't that the plan, anyhow? To finally get our familia”, Phoenix did a terrible job pronouncing the word, “back together.”

“Yes, that's the plan.” I smiled, blinking my teary eyes. It cleared some of the blurriness of the sight of Phoenix's golden form in front of me. I missed him so much it shouldn't have been possible, and the idea of seeing him tomorrow.. Well, it wouldn't have been the first thing that turned out better than I ever dared to hope for.

“How are Rain and Najwa taking it?” Phoenix asked, reluctantly like he didn't really care to hear the answer.

“Najwa hasn't said a word.” I sighed, and Phoenix's hum told me he had expected as much. “It's an impossible choice to make: me or her mom and you. I think she feels guilty for letting me see this through.”

A pause, before a quiet: “And Rain?”

I winced. If the choice had made Najwa grow silent with guilt, just the thought of losing what we had, destroyed Rain. I knew he would have never agreed to take the risk, had he known the full scope of it. He still only believed it would mean, at the very worst, that we might have to break up.

“He..” I began, but then changed my mind. “I want to spend tonight with them. How will you spend yours?”

I didn't say it out loud, but Phoenix could read it between the lines: if it was his last day as well, how did he want to spend it? Surrounded by people, or with the few selected ones? Was he afraid too, or had he accepted the risk of things going badly?

“There's still a lot to do down here, and.. They're having a celebration to honour us.” Phoenix couldn't have sounded less festive even if he tried. Then he let out a teary chuckle. “But I think I like your plan better.”

“I'll see you tomorrow.” I promised once everything that needed to be said had been said. Phoenix made the same promise, and then the static crackle faded from the headphones.

I set them on the bed and casted a last venomous glare at the notebook, before dropping it to the floor. Maybe I should have been thankful for the warning it gave me, and the option to choose, but I wasn't. With or without knowing my decision would have remained the same, and the others would have been spared from the guilt of knowing that there ever was a choice to make.

I found Najwa and Rain sitting on the stairs outside in the chilly evening, bundled up against the cold. Najwa was resting her head on Rain's shoulder, her arm wrapped loosely around his lower back. They hadn't heard me as I pried the door open as gently as I could, and I allowed myself a moment to look at them, unaware as they were of my presence.

Rain's head was lifted, and I knew he was gazing at the four golden statues in our yard. They were frosted and thin blankets of snow had formed on their heads and shoulders. Only one of the statues was clear of frost, her golden skin glistening like it was warm enough to melt the ice. It struck me as odd, but I had seen enough odd things not to dwell on it.

“Let's go inside where it's warm.” I barely got the words out before both Najwa and Rain were up on their feet. Like they had been waiting for me.

Najwa didn't say a word as she pulled my head down with her hands on the nape of my neck. Her lips were warm as they pressed against my forehead, and her body covered in thick layers of winter clothes as I looped my arms around her waist. As she just held me tighter, I whispered to her: “I know.”

Over her shoulder I saw a tear sliding down Rain's freckled cheek, and as he wiped it away, he stepped closer and joined our hug. For a long while we stood there, forgetting the cold when we could keep each other warm.

If it really were my last on Earth, I wouldn't have minded spending it in that embrace. But it was too cold to stay outside for much longer, so we took the hug indoors. We stayed up late, lounging on our bed while Najwa, still not saying a word, braided my hair and Rain used my lap as a pillow.

I told them stories about my life before them, just in case I never got another chance to do so. I spoke in a soft murmur, recalling Julian's abuse like it had happened in another lifetime. It occurred to me that it would be good to be a little afraid of those horrors, instead of only just recognizing them as my own memories.

Rain did his best not to fall asleep, but at some point his eyes fell shut and his breathing turned to soft snores. He didn't wake up when I lifted his head from my lap and laid down on my side. As soon as I draped my arm around Rain, Najwa nestled against my back. Her arm snaked over me, until she found Rain's hand to hold.

Some other night, I would have felt cornered by the proximity, but that night I couldn't possibly get them close enough. I knew then that I would rather live with the fear of Julian as long as I got to live, as long as I got to have more nights like this. I was nowhere near ready to let this go.

My silent prayer was for anyone who cared to listen: Bring Phoenix and Birdy back, but let me stay. Traumatised or not, let me stay. Let us be a family again, we have earned that bit of happiness.