XXXI: It's time for you to wake up

《 ASPEN GRISWOLD 》

I don't know where they got all the fairy lights, and I wasn't planning on asking. A twine of those tiny flickering lights hang from every three and structure within eye range. It was still too bright, but they would look impressive once the evening started to dust. Yet, the pyre was the true spotlight of attention.

It towered above our heads, a symmetrical mound of wood and sticks with a platform in the middle of it. It would have been an appalling sight had it not been decorated with blooming flowers. I breathed in the sweet scent of Daffodils, which always brought back memories of the springs of my childhood.

“Mmh.” Phoenix hummed under his breath uneasily. When I turned to him, about to ask what was wrong, he grimaced and shrugged. “Whoever thought the flowers were a nice touch, has not seen Midsommar.”

It startled out a laugh from me. Only Phoenix could be thinking about horror movies while genuine horrors awaited us. Before I could point that out, music started to blast from a pair of loudspeakers. Where did all these goods come from, anyway?

When Phoenix watched the crowd, a dark look flickered in his eyes. I nudged his arm to regain his attention, hoping that my smile was enough to hide how lost I was. It was almost time for the ritual, but the truth of it still hadn't hit me; like it was a surreal dream, and nothing more.

“Tell me about the movie.” I recognised the name, but that was it.

“You haven't seen it?” Phoenix dove head first into the opportunity to share it with me. “So, basically, there's this group of poor little Americans, who decide to spend midsummer in a nice small town in Sweden..”

I was lost long before a scene where they stuffed some guy into the skin of a bear, but I gathered there was a fire, human sacrifices and a ton of flowers. Phoenix's face was flushed as he rambled on about the movie, wanting to think about anything else but the night ahead of us.

The ritual would happen in two stages: Phoenix and I would climb on top of the pyre, where I would disappear just before it was lit and then I would wake up on the real side by Phoenix's side. While he burned, I was to blast his golden remnants with so much magic there wasn't a drop left in me. Then Phoenix was going to wake up, to find Rio alive and without a scratch.

Someone brought us a sweet, honeyed drink, which tasted like liquid spring. People came and went, each wanting to change a word with us. At one point Levi stole Phoenix somewhere with more privacy, but before I had time to feel the now familiar pang of jealousy, Birdy joined me.

“He won't go far and he won't be gone for long.” She said as she clinked our glasses together. I had a feeling she wasn't just talking about Phoenix walking away to talk with his ex. Birdy brought me back from my thoughts with a conversational: “I know she can take care of herself perfectly well, but how is my girl holding up?”

I bit my lip, holding back words that wanted to spill from them. Najwa was at her breaking point, so worried over Rio she couldn't speak. In short, she wasn't holding up. But Birdy's eyes glimmered with hope, and I couldn't bear to take that away so soon after Phoenix found out the truth.

“She’s..” I trailed off as the people began to gather on the yard, dancing along to the beat of the music. They were celebrating, and I didn't know how to feel about it. I wanted to scowl, but I managed to say: “She’s strong.”

“So are you.” Birdy's words melted away some of the ice that had gathered in my chest.

The hours before sundown blurred together, and I can only recall snippets from the conversations I had during them. But I won't forget how we danced, or how Phoenix made Celeste and Elyse shriek with delight when he swirled them around and made up stories to entertain them.

“Aspen.” Phoenix leaned in to whisper into my ear, his hand a warm weight on my shoulder. As my emotions were in overdrive, I was certain my heart would crack open just by how much I liked the sound of my name coming from his lips. “There’s still so much I want to say to you.”

“You can say all that and more on the other side.” I murmured, trying to coax him back to dancing. But Phoenix stood planted on the spot in front of me. I sighed, trying to explain: “This isn't a goodbye, and saying them just in case.. I don't want to jinx it.”

Phoenix's frown deepened, but I took it as a win when he didn't reject the idea in an instant. After a moment, he muttered: “Can you at least give a kiss to Rio for me?”

“Rio and I are not exactly on kissing terms.” I pointed out, and Phoenix huffed out a laugh. There would be no time for me to do so anyway, but it didn't matter, because Rio was going to be waiting for Phoenix when he woke up. For now, I was relieved to see his frown gone, so I went on: “And Najwa will bite my head off if I try.”

“No, she won't.” Phoenix chuckled and pulled me into a one-armed embrace. The proximity made my pulse quicken and I breathed him in, greedy for more. Did I mention how my emotions were in overdrive? Phoenix wiggled his eyebrows, back to his normal self. “She knows how to share.”

We danced till the shadows began to grow, till sweat trickled down my back and Phoenix's face shone under the flickering lights. My throat was parched and my feet ached, but I was afraid of what was going to happen once the dancing stopped. Yet, like any good thing, it couldn't last forever.

Phoenix was squeezing my hand so hard my knuckles cracked and groaned, when Birdy guided us in front of the unlit pyre. I didn't mind the touch, if anything, it grounded me. He didn't let go of my hand even as my sisters walked to us, each carrying a flower crown. They handled them with the same care as they once tended to Wilbur's mane.

I had to kneel down when Birdy picked up one of the crowns and set it on my head. It was made of tiny blue flowers with yellow and black in the center. Birdy smiled when she looked up and said in a solemn voice: “I'll see you on the other side.”

Phoenix's crown was showier with its fiery orange flowers, green leaves and yellow Daffodils. He shuddered when Birdy crowned him with it, no doubt thinking about the horror movie. My eyes swept over the crowd, until I spotted my mother's green ones. I realized I hadn't even mentioned to her what the guy, who was wearing a crown made of her favorite flowers, meant to me.

“I'll see you on the other side.” Birdy repeated her wish to Phoenix, who grinned and leaned down to peck her cheek. Her chuckle eased the tension that had gathered over us, and I could feel a smile spreading on my lips.

Mother sent a last encouraging look at me, as she pulled Elyse and Celeste away from us. My smile faltered as I noticed all the parents guiding away their children and everyone who was deemed too young to witness the next stage. I was glad I didn't have to see it either, because it would be a horrendous image burned in my retina for the rest of my life.

“Okay so..” Phoenix dragged on the word, shifting on his feet. I could feel everyone's eyes on us, but the only person I cared about was the one standing in front of me. We had climbed up to the unlit pyre, balancing on the uneven platform. “Does no goodbyes mean I don't get to —”

I tucked him close to me before he could finish his sentence. His lips were warm and they still tasted sweet from the drinks we had been served all evening. Phoenix taut fingers eased around my hand, but he didn't let go. My heart thrashed against my ribcage, the reality hitting me at last.

After a while Phoenix pushed me at arm's length with his free hand and leveled a gaze at me. “Just for the record, that’s not the kind of kiss I meant for you to give Rio.”

“Let me guess, you don't share?” I snorted. Only Phoenix could crack jokes at such a moment, but I was grateful for it; he was doing it for my sake as much as his own.

“I don't share.” Phoenix agreed with a proud grin, wide enough to show all his teeth. But then, he breathed in, and turned serious again. He adjusted the flower crown on my head as he said: “It's time for you to wake up.”

I opened my mouth, but before I got a word out, I was back in the cottage. A chill ran up my spine as the cold air hit my overheated skin. I rolled onto my back, before staggering up and over Phoenix's golden form. My knees met the floor hard enough to bruise, but I didn't even notice the pain, as I pressed my open palms to his side.

It came easily, the magic pouring out of me like I had just needed to open a tap, and the room bathed in golden light. I didn't let myself think about Rio, or Phoenix burning on the pyre. Instead I thought about Birdy's unwavering trust in me.

I wasn't strong like Najwa.

I didn't get things done by sheer stubbornness like Rain.

I didn't have a tenth of Rio's resilience.

I couldn't walk towards destruction with a grin on my lips, or walk out of Hell unchanged, like Phoenix could.

But I wasn't weak. I had left behind the entitled little brat who believed it's alright to kill someone just because his father told him so. I no longer pleased everyone just to have someone to like me. Somewhere along the way, I too had grown. Maybe not into a hero, but a decent person all the same.

And I could do this.