VII: Give me a sign

《 ASPEN GRISWOLD 》

I didn't ask if Rain was ready, the expression on his face told me enough. His eyes were pressed shut and his jaw clenched so tight I half expected to hear his teeth shatter. I had never had the opportunity to inspect his face close, and something in me told me to memorize him just in case something went wrong and we lost him too.

Rain's brown, overgrown hair fell over his furrowed brows, but it wasn't quite long enough to hide the dark half moons underneath his eyes. His skin had started to lose its summer tan and the freckles splattered around his nose had begun to fade, giving away a haggard impression.

Rain didn't demand attention like Phoenix did with his big personality, but there was something admirable about him and his humble way to get things done. Right then, Rain looked small and at a loss at what to do.

He didn't lift his gaze to meet mine when he crouched down to roll up the sleeve of his threadbare velvet jeans. I was glad for that, since it meant he couldn't see my flinch as I saw his leg for the first time. The prosthesis was squeezed around the swollen limb, the skin angry red and chafed. I would have told him to go see a doctor ASAP, if only there had been running hospitals left to take him.

I leaned closer, my fingers hovering over his knee. It felt like someone had dropped a stone on my chest and each inhale was a struggle. I was glad for our meager food rations, because had my stomach been full, I would have emptied it right in Rain's lap.

Rain's eyes snapped open and he stood up. “You know what? I'm not doing this. It's not gonna happen.”

I sighed in relief, before I realized backing up wasn't an option. I didn't have time to tell Rain so, as he had already locked eyes with either Rio or Najwa over my shoulder. His gaze was dark with fear and inner conflict, but he collapsed back on the couch. When the fight left him, his shoulders slumped like a deflated balloon.

“Okay, fine, just.. do it.” Rain whispered and crossed his arms over his chest. It was meant to come out defiant, but instead it looked like he was hugging himself.

I could tell he was just as terrified as I was, and not just that. He was mortified, having his injury and his fear splayed out for all to see.

“Can you maybe wait in the kitchen or something?” I turned to ask Najwa and Rio, who were hovering behind us like overbearing parents. They meant well, but they were also making things harder for Rain. Still, it wasn't all a lie when I explained: “I need to focus and I can't do it when I feel your eyes drilling into my back.”

“Are you sure?” Rio asked, looking past me to Rain, who mustered a smile and nodded his head. Rio left with one last hesitant look, and Najwa followed with her arm locked with theirs.

Rain let out a sigh through his gritted teeth, and I got to work. I touched the skin of his knee, feeling the hot inflamed skin under my fingertips.

Pain intensified my magic, and so thinking about my sisters often did the trick. This time, though, I wasn't thinking about them. There was a pain much more acute to utilize, an endless supply of gut-wrenching guilt and grief which hadn't left me ever since the day I lost Phoenix.

I swallowed my fear and pushed forward my magic, probing around the infection and pain. There was so much pain. Not just in the leg, but regret, shame, anger and fright, swimming around that black blob of grief much like my own.

Air escaped my lungs when I realized I could take it all away. I could fill that empty spot in the middle of his chest, the one Phoenix left behind. I could take away his memory of the fall, and make him forget how hard it was to grow up with so little money. I could..

“I think I could heal it all.” I whispered, then cleared my throat. “Your leg. I could.. give it back.”

“No.” Rain cringed back like I had hit him. It was gone, the pain and the fear and all of his memories, the second my hand lost contact with his knee.

“Are you sure? I could—” I began.

“I said no.” Rain pushed me back, and I had to grip the stool so as not to stumble to the floor. He stood up, yanking down the leg of his jeans with so much force the worn fabric ripped from the seam. “This is enough.”

I didn't understand how I had managed to anger him again; I only meant to make things easier for him. From where I was standing, getting his amputated leg back was an excellent place to start. I only wanted to help, but somehow all my efforts ended up causing more harm than good.

But the more that I thought of my offer, the more wrong it felt. If someone wanted to take my grief of Phoenix away, I would punch them for even suggesting it. It hurt, but it was the only thing I had left of him. I couldn't just take that or the injury away from Rain. I clamped my mouth shut, my face heating up with shame.

When Rain took a step, his jaw fell with surprise, and the indignation melted from his face in an instant. He lifted his gaze, which had fallen to his leg, back to me and said in a gentler tone: “This is enough. Thank you.”

“Yeah, no problem.” I muttered with a flat, resigned tone, and stuffed my hands in my pockets, as I tried to think of a way to apologize to Rain for getting carried away.

“No, really. Thank you.” Rain smiled and stepped closer to pat my shoulder. It was awkward, but at least he was trying. “For me and Rio.”

“We should get going tonight.” I managed, then slipped away from his reach. I didn't deserve Rain's gratitude over Rio, especially not when I was the reason they needed saving in the first place. “I’ll go pack my things, and we can leave before it gets dark.”

As I dragged my legs up the stairs, they were heavy like lead. I couldn't rid myself of the idea that my body was fighting against leaving. I pushed the unease back as far as I could, just like I had pushed back my fear moments ago, because the decision was made and there was no backing away from it. We were leaving, and no amount of anxiety was going to change that.

I folded the remaining clothes, which were scattered around the room, and stuffed them in my backpack. I zipped my toiletry bag shut and tossed it on top of the clothes. It was easy enough.

But then my feet knocked against something solid. I glanced down to see what it was and I froze.

God, I never realized how much anxiety could hurt. But there I was, struggling to breathe in and gulping for air like a fish on dry land. By the time I managed a shuttering inhale, my fingers had started to grow numb and I swayed on my feet.

“It's just a book.” I reminded myself and imagined it was Phoenix pushing me to go on. I could just picture it, the challenging grin on his lips and the benevolent laughter ready to accompany whatever choice I made.

I picked up the battered paperback, trying not to think about how the words scribbled on its pages would soon be the only physical thing to remind me of Phoenix. I tucked the book inside my backpack, even though a tiny, ever so hopeful voice in my head told me it was Phoenix's and that I should leave it behind just in case he woke up. But he was gone.

I had already tossed the strap of my backpack on my shoulder and walked to the door, when I remembered the Walkman. Should I take it or leave it? I still wanted to listen to that one song, but I had fixed the player for him and taking it with me didn't feel right.

“Fuck.” I muttered. It didn't help a bit.

I took a faltering step back into the room. The room might as well have been as wide as a soccer field, that's how long it took me to walk to the bed. I was more winded than after a game.

I pulled the Walkman from under my pillow and set it on the night table where Phoenix could see it in case he woke up. Then, I dropped on my knees by the bed and looped my fingers around Phoenix's rigid hand.

"If you're still there somewhere.." I pressed my eyes shut and rested my forehead against Phoenix's. I could hear someone opening and closing the kitchen cupboards downstairs, reminding me of how time was ticking by. "Now is the time to give me a sign."

Soon we would leave this place behind, and with it we would have to swallow the ugly truth of Phoenix being gone and that there was no way to fix the world without him. I wasn't ready to say goodbye to him any more than I was willing to admit our defeat, but it had been five weeks and there was no change in Phoenix.

"You'll have to do it right now." I murmured. I braved myself to let out a trickle of magic, because it had worked so well with Rain and because with Phoenix there wasn't much more damage left to do. When minutes ticked by and nothing happened, my eyes burned and I swallowed back the lump in my throat.

But when I blinked my eyes open, the light had changed, and underneath my knees, there were no creaky floorboards but sand and earth warmed by the sun. The air was heavy with the smell of popcorn.