Chapter 63

Li Yan suddenly spat out blood onto Deputy Martial Shen Hao's military report that he had been reading. Zhangsun who stood by, silently tightened his jaws.

"Your Majesty, please stop drinking pills to prolong your life."

Li Yan nodded slowly, pulling out his handkerchief from his chest lapels and wiped away his blood stained lips.  "So you knew it all along, didn't you?"

"Always..." Zhangsun spoke in a slightly hoarse voice. "I saw you secretly take them since you cracked your spiritual core for the sake of saving Zhanhua..."

"Were I too careless, or did I underestimate you?"

"..."

Li Yan sighed. "Zhangsun, that can't be helped. My time is near. I can already feel it. I highly doubt if I could survive even three months let alone three more years. I have no choice."

"Forgive this subordinate for being bold. But that's why I told Your Majesty to stop drinking life prolonging pills. Though it buys time, it has it's own side effects."

Li Yan smiled emptily. He suddenly remembered his last life. Didn't he use the same pills to keep dying Shen Nuo alive? He shook his head gently. What a fate?

"Zhangsun, If I had stopped drinking them, I would be already dead." Then he tilted his head to the side to look at Zhangsun with a smile. "Who will be there to sacrifice for the sake of your safety if your phoenix sage dies an early death of sudden illness?"

Zhangsun lowered his head, swallowing. His eyes were slightly red at the ends. "This subordinate told you not to save Zhanhua back then. Saving a life is important. But first you must be alive to keep others safe. Wasn't it that injury Zhanhua gave you got worsened with time? You must have successfully fooled Martial Shendu and hidden it from him. But, now you only have one way to stop everything bad from happening." He knelt on the cold tiles. "Please reconsider this matter, Your Majesty!"

Li Yan took a deep breath. "And that would be to master the last technique from the Phoenix Scroll, isn't it?" He said in a low voice. "That technique I had been avoiding for ages without mastering?"

Zhangsun didn't say anything.

But Li Yan thought what Zhangsun said before was very reasonable. A phoenix sage wasn't originally allowed to marry and live a life of entanglements. They must follow the path of celebacy and keep themselves pure and clean. But Li Yan had no siblings so he had to accept the throne and have children to secure the future of his state.

But now he had to master the last part of the phoenix scroll which means, he must definitely refrain from worldly pleasures and entanglements.

"Either way is to loose something, isn't it?" He spoke. "So doing it won't make a difference anyway. Sigh! This time it's really my duty to let go of my obsessions and think about my people."

"..."

"Once Prince Altai said that I'm no different than a corpse. He said I don't know what feelings are. He said I don't know how to smile. He said I don't know what it is like to love and care for someone... He said no one would miss me after my death, also true." Li Yan laughed gently. "Now I understand the true meaning of what he said."

Zhangsun pursed his trembling lips. "I would miss you..."

Li Yan smiled again. "Zhangsun, do you still remember the day you met me first?"

"Yes" Zhangsun said hoarsely. "Your Majesty was seven back then. I was only five. Your Majesty picked me up from the roadside when I was dirty in rags with no one to care for me."

Li Yan nodded. "You've followed me for so long faithfully."

"And no matter what path you take, I would still willingly follow you even if it means death." Zhangsun said in a low voice, firmly.

Li Yan heard him say that. He felt moved. "I just did a little favour, Zhangsun, there's nothing to fuss about it. You can leave after I die. I've already prepared everything for you. You can retire peacefully in a far away village, marry a pretty girl and watch your children grow."

Zhangsun shut his eyes tightly. "Favour?" He said in a broken voice. "If everyone thought like Your Majesty, I won't be left by the roadside alone. When no one wanted me, not even my parents, it was only Your Majesty who cared about me. I pledged you my lifetime service back then to protect you and to stand by your side. If you die, I will die."

Li Yan was silent for a very long time. He let out a deep sigh and picked up his brush stained with ink.

"Zhangsun, I'm ready to finish mastering the phoenix scrolls. It would take me thirty days so I will seclude myself at Jingshan. And I will leave today. Pass my verbal edict that I'll temporarily leave the palace. Hand over the Imperial Jade Seal to Shendu along with the court matters until my return.  And, after fifteen days of my seclusion, I ask you to hand over these two letters to Nuo Nuo. I owe him a bit, anyway..."

"Yes, Your Majesty, this subordinate will do as you say!"

"Zhangsun... Thanks..."

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So fifteen days after Li Yan secluded himself at Mirror Mountains, Zhangsun came to Mingyue Palace and delivered Li Yan's personal letters.

Shen Nuo was not in a very good mood. For the past few days he had been repeatedly asking for Li Yan but he didn't meet him at all.

So when the emperor's personal letter arrived like this, Shen Nuo's heart was in a turmoil. He slowly opened the first one and tilted his eyes to the look at Li Yan's majestic characters all over it. The letter was long.

' Nuo Nuo, I think I owe you a good explanation, don't I? Things hadn't been going too well between us, had it? But before I tell you my final decision, I thought of clearing some scores between us.

You once said I never cared about your feelings, I only wanted to order you around and commit to your duties. You once said me I'm controlling you and you're just a puppet of mine.

Nuo Nuo, once I lost you in the most cruelest way, infront of my own eyes. But in this life I didn't want you to move away from me. So, yes! I must have controlled you. I must have been possessive on you and I must have unknowingly hurt you a lot. I'm sorry for that, ok?

You once said I don't love you and my feeling towards you are just obsession and craving. But Nuo Nuo, it would be sarcastic if I say now that I fell in for your cry first. You might not remember, but I remember like now, the moment I saw you first under that blossoming peach tree and held you in my hands. You stopped crying and held my pinky, smiling. That smile was so peaceful, like a spring rain in summer droughts.

But I don't know why, from then on, I craved to see you smile and cry. I loved to see you smile because it makes me very happy. I hated to see you cry because though it be beautiful, it hurts me so much.

But later, yeah, I admit that my simple minded innocent chase after you went astray. My simple feelings for you turned complex to the point even I was confused. And unknowing even to me, I gradually fell in for someone whom I shouldn't have fallen in love with. You were a child but still I selfishly groomed you. Though I regret it a thousand times now, it's already too late to regret. Nuo Nuo, I'm sorry. I'm too late to say this already. But I'm sorry, ok?

For two life times long, I watched you in silence. Every single moment you spent with me, I cherished it than my life. Each and every moment you were away from me, I missed you from the bottom of my heart.

But when I saw you together so happily with Zhanhua, I couldn't handle the jealousy at all. So I screamed at you to vent the pain I felt. But when you started to yell at me to defend Zhanhua, it really drew me mad. Again, it's my fault. You became my wife not because you wanted. It was because you were forced because of Blood Promise. At least I should have given you the freedom as you wished. I had been blind all these times. Forgive me. I'm sorry.

The thing I wanted to say you is, if you already know my back story that I've kept hidden so far, I don't want your pity.

I know the person that you truly love isn't me. So I won't force you anymore. Sorry for everything I've done to you. Sorry for making you cry. Nuo Nuo, I'm finally willing to let you go.

It's better if we don't see each other again. Let's part our ways from here. I won't bother you anymore. So I don't hope to see you at the palace the day I return back. Please leave. And let's be strangers if ever we meet again. Goodbye!

- Li Yanlong.'

Shen Nuo's heart was thundering. He couldn't believe what was happening. He blindly opened the other parchment with a beating heart. He did not dare to think too much deeply, afraid of breaking his heart. But still the tide broke in the end. His heart bled. It was the file for their - divorce...

The content was very long but his eyes stopped dead at the last sentence written in red.

'I hereby decide to legally divorce...'

Why was Shen Nuo's sight blurry? Why can't he see clearly? Why are his eyes stinging, hurting and cheeks burning?

Drip... Drip...

Tears broke off his glassy eyes like molten glass and stained the parchment with little wet marks. He didn't speak a single word as his eyes fixed next at the sign of Li Yan's finger print in red at the down most left corner. His head was unusually lowered. It wasn't clear whether he was laughing or crying.

He laughed loudly and then miserably cried, like he was mad. But his shoulders trembled violently. His face wrenched in pain had tears falling down like a river. And for the first time in his life, he felt so lonely. He felt very painful.

He slowly bit his thumb until blood oozed from it. Then he gently pressed it next to Li Yan's, signing it with blood. At that moment, he legally parted from Li Yan...

Liyi and Jinyu were too silent as they watched their master cry without speaking. Their lips were tightly pursed and eyes were a bit red at the ends. But they spoke nothing.

It was then when suddenly Shendu knocked on the door and entered. Shen Nuo slowly raised his red and narrowed eyes to him. "Third brother, why are you here?"

"I'm here to take you home under the orders of His Majesty." He said indifferently. "You're no longer a consort. Pack your things and come with me!"

Shen Nuo didn't refute. He didn't even seem to be in his senses as he slowly nodded. He lamely got up from the low seat infront of the desk and came towards his brother.

"Big brother, ok, I will come. But first answer my question."

"What?"

"Where is Li Yan? Why didn't I see him in the palace these few days?" Shen Nuo said in a horse voice. "I want to meet him one last time. I have somethings to say."

"You better forget him." Shendu said quietly. "You won't be meeting him again. It's better for you to not to meet him if I say it correctly."

Shen Nuo's heart sank a further few notches. "Why?"

"Because it's useless." Shendu said gravely. "He won't be the same person you used to know when he comes back."

Shen Nuo gulped. "What does that mean?"

Shendu stared at him. "Why do you think he went into seclusion at Mirror Mountains for thirty days?"

Shen Nuo's heart was suddenly in a mess. Li Yan had gone to seclusion? He didn't know. He just pretended to hide it. "Of course, to recover his cultivation, I suppose." He said in a lame voice.

"No." Shendu said grimly. "He had already recovered his cultivation."

"..."

"He went to Mirror Mountains to erase all his memories about you."

And these words ended up like a clap of thunder against Shen Nuo's ears. He felt as if he was stabbed right through his heart.

He subconsciously took some several steps back and weakly fell sitting on the bed behind him. "What... What did you say?"

"You heard me." Shendu said darkly. "For some reasons that cannot be revealed yet, he's having his own difficulties. He has to rule a state. His decision was right. He shouldn't mix up his emotions with his duty."

"No..." Shen Nuo shook his head furiously, tears pouring down his closed eyes. "No no no!"

But Shendu spoke further, without caring for Shen Nuo. "He's mastering some kind of secretive technique to get rid of his emotions. The person that you'll be meeting after fifteen days will be someone who doesn't know how to smile and laugh or cry. He'll be someone who won't feel sadness, and pain, or happiness. He will be no different than a corpse. He will thereby follow the path of celebacy and will give up worldly entanglements until the day he dies."

But Shen Nuo was already crying furiously. He felled at Shendu's feet lamely. "No! Big brother! I want to see him, I want to see him one last time. Please take me to Jingshan, please, I beg you, please..."

Shendu narrowed his eyes at him. "And you still want to ruin him, right?"

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(Oh, I'm starting to get nervous. One more chapter...😅)