9. Boys Don't Cry

Chase.

✙ ☠ ✙

Everything aches the next day. My head, my body.. As I look in the mirror I notice bruises on my arm. I didn't even feel it last night.

As I get dressed I think about Kev and everything that happened last night. I'm kind of confused about it all.

I decide to text him.

Chaser49: hey, how are you?

I stare at my phone and wait for a reply. He usually replies fast.

Twenty minutes later I'm driving to school trying to rationalize why it's taking so long. He probably has work. Maybe he's really busy.

My mind goes back to last night and the blurry images flash before my eyes. I clutch the steering wheel.

I don't know why that image makes me so nervous. I was totally okay with it. I was just anxious. That's why it hurt so much and that's why it's uncomfortable to think about. But it was good. I'm sure it was good.

I get out of the car.

As I make my way into the school, Lucas joins my side.

"Hey man, last night was a blast!"

"Yeah." I say quietly. My mind is too occupied to put on a good act.

"We're throwing a party at Wayne's tonight. You're coming, right?"

I really don't feel like it. I just wanna wait for Kev to reply. Maybe I'll go by his house later.

Though I'm sure if I say no Luke will get mad.

"I don't know..."

"Come on, man. It's the first party of the year!"

"Okay, whatever." I say listlessly.

He smacks my back. I wince in pain.

"Hey, you okay?"

"Yeah—"

"Babe!" I hear from behind me.

It really ticks me off.

I turn to Fawn who's leaning close to me.

"Hi." She smiles.

I can't bring up the effort to smile back at her.

"Hey."

She picks up on my mood and pulls back a little.

"Are you okay?"

"Perfect." I lie. It sounds way more sarcastic than I intended.

"Are.. you mad at me?" She eyes me concernedly.

"No, I'm just.."

The bell rings. I'm glad it does.

"I'll see you later." I turn around without giving her a kiss and rush to class.

× × ×

After school I decide to stop by Kev's place. I knock on the door.

I sent him five more messages and called him three times but he hasn't answered to anything. I'm really starting to panic here. I need him to tell me everything is okay. I need him to tell me that it's normal how I'm feeling and that I'm not.. That it was good. That everything's good. Cause it really doesn't feel that way right now. Not at all.

I bang on the door again.

A short Asian woman with rainbow hair and an eyebrow piercing opens the door.

Kev didn't say he had any house mates. Or.. is this his girlfriend?

My heart sinks.

"Can I help you?" The woman asks. She seems to be in a hurry.

"I- I'm looking for Kev. Is he here?"

"Who?" She looks at me confused.

"Kev! You know, he lives here?"

"I live alone." She answers seeming pretty annoyed.

What? How?

Maybe she's just confused. I should just tell her what he looks like.

"He's... Hold on." I grab my phone and open the GAYDr app to show her his profile picture. I don't have any other photos of him anywhere.

I scroll through the app but then I realize Kev's profile is gone.

"No..." I scroll desperately but he's nowhere to be found.

"Listen, kid. I've got a lot of work to do—"

"No, wait! He's like this tall and he has black hair.." She doesn't seem to know who I'm talking about.

"I know he lives here! We were here last night!"

"Last night? I wasn't even in LA. There's no way anyone could've.. Wait a minute.." She comes out of the house and looks under a plant pot by the door.

"Goddammit." She say to herself.

"What?"

"My spare key. It's missing. I knew it was fucking stupid to put it there."

No. This can't be happening. Did Kev break into this woman's house? And I was there with him, does that implicate me?

"You wait here, I'm calling the cops." The woman sighs and disappears into the house.

I can't be here. They're gonna ask me about Kev. Then they'll ask me what happened. My mom can't find out about that. Just the idea of admitting to that to the police is embarrassing enough but if she finds out...

I turn around and run as fast I can.

I get into my car, kick the pedal and drive.

× × ×

I lay down on my bed and try to steady my breath and my mind.

He broke into that woman's house. Why would he do that? He told me he lived in LA. Why would he lie about that?

...What else did he lie about?

When he told me I was beautiful, when he said I was good, when he told me cared about me? Were they all lies?

I squeeze my wrist so I don't start crying.

This isn't that bad. It's fine, it's fine.

Maybe he just lied about living here so I wouldn't have to travel far to see him. Maybe he was just trying to put me at ease. And yes, he shouldn't have broken into that woman's house but I'm sure he had no ill intentions.

He probably deleted his account cause he was scared I'd tell someone but I'd never do that. I'm sure he'll realize that soon enough.

He'll call me.

× × ×

I call Kev for the sixth time today. Still no answer. I feel myself get more and more restless and panicked as the minutes go by.

I turn up at the party listlessly. Wanting nothing more than to go home and just go to bed and cry like the fucking baby I am. But I can't do that. Cause I don't wanna have more problems to deal with than I already do.

Music's blasting from the speakers.

Everyone's outside by the pool.

"Yo, man." Luke puts his arm around my shoulder. I really wish he wouldn't.

He hands me a beer. I stare down at the drink and mindlessly chug it down.

After I'm done I grab another one.

Luke takes me to the other guys and we dance and talk and do all kinds of stupid party shit. I make my way to the table with drinks.

A while later I know I'm a little drunk. My body feels heavy and my mind's blurry. I like it. It's hard to focus on my thoughts this way because the more time goes by, the more painful my thoughts get. I think of what Kev said. "Would you rather die of stress or of alcohol?"

I smirk and down another drink.

Fawn comes my way. It really annoys me. I'm tired of having to pretend around her. Around everyone.

"I think you've had a little too much." She chuckles.

"You're not my mom." I say under my breath.

She looks hurt and confused.

"I'm your girlfriend."

"Yeah, and I really wish you weren't." The words fly out of my mouth so cruelly. It really isn't like me at all.

You know what is like me? Doing things against my own will and then crying about it afterwards. Pretending to be into Fawn even though I feel absolutely empty around her. Maybe it's time to be honest instead of being nice.

"I don't like you so just stop following me."

"Dude," Wayne grabs my arm.

It makes me cringe.

I pull away. "Don't fucking touch me!" I explode.

Everybody stares at me.

"What?!" I yell.

I look back at Fawn as tears stream down her face.

"Are you crying? Join the club." I brush past her and head inside the house.

I sip on another drink and sit down on the couch. My head starts to spin.

"I saw what happened." Melissa says as she enters the room. It's just her and me here.

"I don't care anymore." I say honestly.

I don't care if everyone hates me now.

"And I don't care if you think I'm a loser again."

It doesn't matter. Nothing does.

She sits down next to me. "Of course I don't think that. No one would." She caresses my arm.

I watch her confused.

"You know, I've never seen this side of you, Chase. I always thought you were soft.. Guess I was wrong." She gives me a playful smirk.

I frown. Isn't Fawn her best friend? Shouldn't she be slapping me right now?

The door opens. "Mel?" Luke comes in.

Melissa lets go of me before he sees us.

Luke smiles when he lays eyes on me.

"Dude, you are so hardcore!" He laughs. "You're wild!"

"Yeah, that's me. Wild little Chase." I say sarcastically.

Melissa and Luke both laugh.

× × ×

I don't know how late it is... Most people are either gone or passed out. I dial Kev's number for the millionth time.

"Pick up!" I scream into the phone. I pace around by the pool.

I need him to stop my thoughts from going where they've been wanting to go all day.

I'm such a coward. I should have said something. I should have said stop. The second I didn't like it anymore I should have done something. I should have said no. But instead I just lay there like a fucking corpse.

My eyes begin to tear up.

Why did I go to his house in the first place? I knew this was going to happen, I wanted this to happen! But.. I don't know. It feels so messed up. Sure, he's much older than me but he said it was normal. I'm probably the only person in the world who struggles with this, I mean, look at Sky. He's probably done it with guys much older than Kev and he's not crying about it!

I was so depressed throughout last year and it feels like it's all coming back. Why? Everything was going so well!

Until yesterday. I feel him go inside me again and I flinch. Why does it feel this way? I've had sex before. One time before.. but yesterday felt different. It felt off, not exciting. Not in retrospect anyway.

But I didn't say no. I just let him. It's all my fault.

"The number you have reached—"

"Fuck!" I scream and throw the phone into the deserted pool.

I sit down on the tiles and put my head in my hands. I can't stop myself from crying. I feel so miserably alone.

A hand touches my shoulder. I look up, it's Luke.

"Dude, are you crying?" He joins my side. "You're wasted, man."

I wipe my tears. They're soon replaced by new ones. It seems I have no control over my body.

He puts his arm around my shoulder. "Look, man. I don't know what's going on—"

"Yeah, you don't!" I push him away. "Last year you hated me, now you're acting all nice! I don't need fake friends like you!" I scream.

"Look, I'm sorry about last year, okay? I was just jealous."

"What reason would you have to be jealous of me?"

"I was jealous because you have things I don't. You're rich.. You were friends with the seniors.. But I'm over that now." He says.

"Why? So suddenly."

"Because the girls have decided you're in demand this year. You know what they say, keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

I eye him incredulously.

He starts to laugh.

I shake my head and stare at the pool.

"No, but seriously.. I care about you, man." He looks into my eyes as he says this. I guess he's not lying. I guess this really isn't some elaborate prank. Maybe I need to stop doubting the idea that someone could actually like me.

"And I'm all you've got this year, so." He slaps my back.

Ow.

"Thank fuck there's nobody here cause this looks gay as hell." He looks around.

If only he knew.

"Now if you wipe your tears and stop acting like a fucking bitch, maybe you can come inside and spend the night." He grants me a warm smile.

I sniff and do as he says.

Boys don't cry.