c h a p t e r. 2

"As soon as one promises not to do something, it becomes the one thing above all others that one most wishes to do."

-Georgette Heyer

chapter 2

There's something to be said about the quieter moments in life.

Jazz, for all he's able to do, can never have a quiet mind.

He doesn't know what that looks like-- to be so enthralled by the silence around him, to just be one with the world without it buzzing and whispering and dancing around him.

Everything-- and everyone-- has a song.

A little musical note here and there, some louder than others, some mere whisps against the wind as they struggled to keep their colors alive, struggled to make them more dull in some places and brighter in others.

He's been surrounded by people with loud songs his whole life.

His goddess mama and papa, although so different, always seemed to be on the same wavelength, their songs soft but intense, always telling him he was loved, always supportive. His twin's pulsing up-beat rhythm, unbroken by the people who told her she was too wild, too much. It was loud and unwavering and beautiful. Eris' song was quieter, admittedly, but it was just as noticeable, it flowed with life and it was bright-- there's never been a lackluster note. Nyx... well, her song had been so dark for awhile. Loss had numbed the sound into something sad, something that wants to be silent but its grief was much too loud for that. Now, however, she's getting her color back.

It was beautiful, all of their songs.

His family; they're all just beautiful people with larger-than-life personalities.

They have been through so much-- all of them, no exceptions-- and that was a curse, but their love? That was a blessing. They all love quick and hard and they fall to pieces for each other without worrying about the consequences.

Jazz has heard the story about how his parents fell in love-- surrounded by butterflies and not having to second-guess their love; never having to wonder what it would be like to be someone else's because they were, undoubtedly, each other's.

He wanted that. He wanted what all his siblings had, he wanted to love someone enough that he could lose himself in their music without worrying about drowning under the waves of expectations or go blind to other colors.

His parents-- they were the reason he believed in soulmates.

His siblings-- they were the reason he knew he could be loved.

His family-- they were the reason he has patience to wait.

Cas... well, he's the reason Jazz has hope.

The celestial might not like him back or even find him attractive but he was kind and he understood what it was like to be different-- understands what it felt like for his body not to listen, understands what it's like to not be able to describe a feeling past it won't stop.

Some people, no matter how hard they try, never get that.

But Cas did.

And he was easy to live with too. Jazz knew schedules were important to him, knew that he woke up everyday at the same time, had the same running route and even listened to the same songs when he was showering. They would go get coffee and Jazz would listen as the celestial ordered before picking a random item on the menu as long as it had caffeine.

Sometimes, he'd accidentally fall asleep to the sound of his voice; the ethereal green a much too warm feeling and the sound too soothing not to doze off to once Jazz got tired enough to rest his head onto the cafe's small table.

It was... nice-- it was nice to feel nice.

A lot of his friends didn't understand him-- that's not to say they are bad friends or didn't try but that they just didn't even know how to begin to understand what goes on in his head.

He saw the world differently, completely different.

He saw things he couldn't even begin to explain or have them understand and although it made him unique, it also made him alone.

And Jazz didn't do well alone.

He was a people person, just like his parents. Although his papa literally couldn't give more of a fuck, he acted like he didn't-- Jazz cared so much about everything and everyone that it got overwhelming, and because he was like his goddess mama whose mere presence pulled people in, he never got a break from that.

He had a lot of friends, a lot of people to count on.

But, for some reason, it didn't make him feel any less lonely.

Cas did, though, and Jazz is starting to think that's a little dangerous. His happiness and his peace of mind shouldn't be placed onto the celestial's shoulders. That was an unfair burden.

He tried not to-- but how couldn't he?

Jazz couldn't just ignore him; his mint and pine and ethereal greens mixed in a way with his serene music that was incomparable to anything else. He got lost into it a lot and there was no way just to not see it.

So he was stuck.

But that's okay, because Cas is stuck here too and he didn't seem to mind.

Jazz blinked at the screen, broken from his thoughts as the celestial squeaked next to him, his tics calmer than usual. Tonight they were watching 'The Space Between Us', as usually they'd been picking out movies to enjoy while eating dinner.

Since Cas got home last, like usual, the musician took it upon himself to cook them both dinner and-- being extremely grateful that his papa taught him how to cook-- it turned out well so he was able to calm his mind just a bit.

Once both of them were situated into the living room, they didn't talk much besides Cas' occasional tic and just listened to the movie-- which sometimes was a little hard to pay attention to given all the noises and colors around him, but Jazz managed.

Or, at least, he was until he got lost in his head and thought of a question to ask.

"Cas?" Jazz calls out, turning to look at him-- which almost makes him lose his train of thought from how he looked with the TV's light making a halo of blue to cascade against his frame, mixing with the green, his gray ones slightly wide as he makes eye contact. "Is there anything I can do to make living with me easier?"

"No." Cas shrugs, though the way his emotions flare to life lets Jazz know that what he says next is not the full truth. "Living with you is easy."

The musician doesn't push it though.

His parents taught him the words respect, consent, and boundaries by the time he was five and he's never violated someone on purpose and apologized on the incredibly rare chance that he did it by accident.

This seems like one of those times that Cas doesn't want him to ask about it again; his head had shifted away and his body closed in on itself slightly in a way to end the conversation.

So Jazz just returns to being quiet and enjoying the movie, making it just past the part where the two main characters are swimming in the pool-- which he doesn't think is really all that sanitary-- before a click of metal was heard from next to him and suddenly something was wet and sticking to his shirt.

Almost in a daze, Jazz glances down.

Mashed potatoes.

There were mashed potatoes on his shirt?

Oh, he realized. Cas must've been eating and had a tic.

But then the celestial was apologizing as if it was something he could control (it's not) and before Jazz realizes what is happening his hands were on his chest as he tried to wipe away the food with a napkin but he could only focus on how close he was and-- oh my god why does he smell so good?

"I didn't mean to! I'm- -mother ducklings!- -sorry."

These are the first words that register-- though he's fairly certain Cas had been saying more than that-- and Jazz almost jerks away as he realizes he had just been staring, taking the napkin from him and putting his plate back onto the coffee table.

"It's okay," He quickly pulls his shirt off, really not liking the way the cloth clung to his skin and kinda wishing what it felt like for the celestial to touch his bare skin instead of doing so over a shirt. "I know you didn't mean to."

Seeing how Cas clamped his mouth shut and looked away, the olive of embarrassment taking over his music, Jazz knew it was time to give him space to cool down.

Quickly making his way into his room, he throws his dirty shirt into his bin and promises himself he'd do the laundry that night. He runs his fingers through his hair and sighs, wondering how much it'll take before Cas realized he wasn't a problem.

But he supposed it didn't matter, he just hoped it'd be sooner than later, because Jazz knew he'd be there either way.

Changing into pajamas and giving the celestial another minute or so by fiddling with a couple drumsticks, Jazz slowly makes his way back out to the living room, not quite expecting the conversation that he starts as soon as the musician sat down.

"I am, I'm like- I'm here, all the way, mentally," He's interrupted by multiple flinches and an awkward rose-leaf growl. "Mentally, I'm here and I'm not dumb. I don't-" Cas squeaks. "-miss anything. Physically I'm, my tics are...I can't stop them."

Did... did he make it seem like he thought the celestial was dumb?

But no, wait-- that wasn't what he said, that isn't what his emotions are telling the musician. This is something that somebody, somewhere ingrained into him. People must've told him that over and over, must have thought he was dumb just because he didn't have complete control over his body.

Which is total bullshit, so Jazz never even entertained the idea about, from what he could tell, his intelligent roommate. He's seen his bookshelf, he knows from first-hand experience that no dull person could understand some of those.

"I never thought you weren't here," He gestures to his head. "I think you're a pretty fucking smart guy."

"Why are you so nice to me?" This is said with a growl and a glowing green hue of confusion.

"Um, did you do something I shouldn't be nice to you over?" Jazz asks-- because, well, other than that there would be no reason for him to not be nice to the celestial; who, although was more stardust than others, was still only human who deserved kindness and love and appreciation.

And honestly, Jazz would knock anyone who told him otherwise onto their ass.

"Yeah," Cas points to the musician's-- in his opinion-- very comfortable pajamas. "I threw food on you."

"You didn't mean to." Jazz shrugs because feeling guilty about that is kinda like stepping on a cat's tail in his opinion.

Obviously someone doesn't mean to hurt the cat or upset them, but their tail still gets stepped on. Cas didn't mean to throw the food, but it still happened and what's the worst thing that caused, really? For Jazz to do a load of laundry just a day early?

"I still did it. That's awkward."

Not anymore awkward if I just kissed you right now, right here, Jazz almost finds himself saying and then shakes his head and smiles at Cas fully knowing the celestial doesn't feel about him that way, "You're making it awkward by thinking it's hella awkward, it's not actually awkward at all."

"Fuck." Cas almost seems to pout at this and that alone was just adorable as all hell. "Isn't that worse?"

"If you think it is," Jazz chuckles out. "Sure."

"This movie makes me cry," Cas comments after a pause, his plate now pushed away from him as the musician hopes that it wasn't because he now felt too guilty to eat.

Looking at the screen just to make sure his brain wasn't goofing and that he was remembering what the movie actually was before the whole mashed potatoes thing, Jazz grins and says, "Me too."

"I think I've watched it at least fifteen times but I always react the same way. I never thought a straight love story would ever get me so-" Cas squeaks and Jazz smiles wider at the rose leaves that fill the air, going in between the ethereal green of the celestial's voice. He doesn't think he's ever heard him talk so much. "-emotional, so fuck me, am I right."

"Fuck you?" Jasper chuckles, looking into those beautiful gray eyes of his and suddenly he understood why most of his family flirted the way they did because-- oh my god, yes please. "If you insist."

"That's not what-" Ca squeaks multiple times, going red up to his ears and eyes widening, sunflowers mixing in with the rose leaves to make a gorgeous bouquet of music and emotions. "What I- -bit hot innit!- -meant."

"Makes no difference to me. Just know, my offer still stands."

And always will because, well, the celestial was more than attractive and he was, above all else, a good person.

How could the musician not like him, not want to experience things with him?

Besides, Jazz was a simple person and he's allowed to fall for sweet boys.