So Many Mistakes

39: So Many Mistakes

Avery watched the store front. She could see Fiona sitting in the small open office space working with her colleagues, taking phone calls, and consulting a large city map hanging on the wall. She looked happy. Avery's heart raced and she found herself nervous, wondering if she was ready and if this was the right thing to do.

Fiona walked through the small office turning off lights. She stepped outside and turned back to lock the door. Her eyes flickered to the left and she caught motion in the window's reflection. Fiona saw a woman that looked heart stoppingly familiar. When she looked up to examine the glass, first thought she was imagining what she was seeing. She didn't want to turn around and see nothing.

Avery caught Fiona's eyes in the reflection. Her body tensed and her heart pounded in her ears. She heard Fiona gasp and saw her body stiffen. Still facing the door Fiona's hand moved slowly to the window, her fingers touched the glass where the reflection looked back at her. Avery found her voice, "Fee? Fiona?"

Fiona turned slowly and gazed at Avery, taking her in. Avery's eyes immediately began burning with emotion at the full sight of Fiona. She looked incredible. Avery felt overwhelmed by the urge to take Fee into her arms and hold her. Fee was casually dressed in corduroy pants and winter sweater, hair down, and the calm sea green eyes that always seemed to soothe Avery, comforting her. They were clouded now with confusion and hesitation.

Fee saw her, she was frozen again trying to make certain she was real. She heard Avery's voice and her ears throbbed at the sound of the timber. Avery looked the same and different. Her eyes, still striking and sharp but they were less burdened. Her beauty was still stunning but she had a softness about her that was unfamiliar.

"Fiona?" Avery stepped close enough that Fiona's body tensed at her proximity. She could smell her now and the air warmed between them. Avery looked into Fiona's eyes, searching. "Please. Say something."

Fiona heard the strain in Avery's voice, she searched the woman's eyes, tears now spilling over her own. "You're dead." She whispered.

Avery's brow furrowed in confusion. "No Fiona, I sent you a note. I told you I would be back for you. I thought you knew. I would have come sooner ... but ... "

Fee's mind was spinning, her voice uncertain and laced with pain, she nodded in acknowledgement, "Yes, no date. No address. It was just, there. I wasn't certain. I was afraid to hope. Terrified."

Avery's face washed with disbelief, "I'm so sorry, I don't know how I missed that. I must have been distracted."

Fee swallowed her eyes burning and her throat painfully tight. "I've been afraid to hope and unable to stop it at the same time. Seeing you here, now, I'm afraid it's not 'real.'" Fiona whispered, "I mourned you." She looked still searching Avery's eyes and face, "I broke, completely. And I had almost let you go entirely."

Avery took a step forward, and when Fiona shifted slightly away, Avery winced with pain. She watched Fee's eyes and micro expressions carefully. "It's real Fiona. I'm real. I'm so sorry. I thought you knew. I tried, I did. I was 'away' for months. They do that sometimes, when an agent gets too close to their asset." Avery's throat was tight with emotion. Her body ached to reach out but she restrained herself not knowing how Fee would react. She had already been through so much. "I never meant to hurt you, this is all my fault. From the beginning." Avery shook her head in sorrow and disbelief. "I was never in control. You don't deserve this. I know that you may never forgive me."

Fee refocused her eyes on Avery, "What's your name?" Her voice was soft and she was still struggling with seeing Avery.

"For you my name will always be 'Avery.' That name is now my 'known' name too." Avery looked into Fiona's usually calm green eyes and they were flooded with uncertainty . "I'm Agent Foster. I've been transferred to a pretty boring desk job, not fit to work in the field any longer."

"Not fit?" Fiona's eyes moved quickly across Avery's body looking for signs of obvious injury or trauma. Her heart suddenly ached at the thought of Avery suffering physical pain. A sharp, distinct memory of exploring the woman's body flooded Fiona's mind's eye.

Avery saw Fee taking her in and explained. "I had some moderate injuries after Micropath. But they healed, that's not why I'm not 'fit.'"

"Why?"

"Because I love you. Because the heartache I felt when I had to leave you would not heal. I was useless." That drew Fiona's eyes back to hers. "I couldn't do it anymore, Fee. Not after you. I needed and wanted you in a way I have never felt. There was nothing else. Only you." Avery's voice trembled with emotion and she struggled to steady it. "I was back in my boat but this time I could see the shore and couldn't get to it. It was too much to bear. I was released from active field duty."

Fiona's eyes clouded.

Avery was heartbroken, she wondered, "How could this have gone so wrong?" "Fiona? I'm sorry Fee." She stepped slightly closer trying to compel Fiona with her presence. "Fiona ..." she whispered barely audible, "Baby ..."

Fiona didn't move. "Agent Couch. She said you loved me."

"Yes."

"She said you manipulated me."

Tears fell from Avery's eyes, they burned. "Yes, Fee. I did."

"You loved me and you used me and you left me." Fiona's voice was awash with confusion and pain and disbelief.

"I love you still Fee, and I'm dying inside because of it." Fee's eyes snapped up, she recognized her own words. Avery's eyes sharpened and she stepped closer, just outside Fiona's personal space. She spoke the very words Fiona whispered to her, they were seared in her mind.

"Fiona, I love you more than anyone I have ever known."

"I'll love you as hard as I can for as long I live."

"I'll think of you and wonder if you're safe."

"I'll wonder if you're happy or suffering."

"I'll think about your body and who might be hurting you and who might be loving you."

"I'll wonder if you'll remember how much I love you."

Fiona was dizzied hearing her own words. She couldn't speak, she couldn't move.

"I wanted to show you something, but I can leave. If it's too painful, I understand that this is not fair to you." No response. Avery could see the familiar look in Fee's eyes when her mind spun with deep consideration. Avery sighed softly, a sob building in her. "Okay, I can see I'm causing you pain." Avery stepped away, "Fiona, I'll be back for you."

Fiona watched Avery climb in her car. She stood outside Farm to City stunned and processing. Her phone chimed with a text message, breaking her from her trance.

"Fiona, this is my new number. When you're ready. I will be back for you."

Fiona blinked, the formal cadence of the text message was jarring. When she looked up she could see Avery's car moving away. Fiona turned and let herself back into the office and sat in a daze, unable to move, trying to feel "all the things." The daze quickly faded and Fiona's body seized with tidal waves of emotion and tears.

Avery pulled away but only made it a couple of blocks. It felt so wrong to leave her. She turned back around.

----

Fiona saw movement and when she looked up she saw Avery crossing the street, she had a determined, familiar, confident, gait. Fee's breath caught in the moment of deja vu. She whispered to herself, "It is her. She came back."

Avery moved to the door, she could see Fiona also moving to the door. Fiona opened it and stepped back, Avery could see that she had been crying. Avery crossed over the threshold and let the door close behind her. She stood in front of Fiona. Avery was close enough to reach out and touch her, her body tingled with the need to hold her, to comfort her.

Fiona looked at her confused and expectant, "Avery?"

Avery stepped in, invading Fee's personal space, changing the temperature of the air between them. "I'm not letting 'us' be apart and alone for any more time. I've already made so many mistakes. I'm not letting us fail."

Avery closed the rest of the distance and Fiona felt the moment pass in slow motion. Avery's lips found Fee's, one of Avery's hands cradled Fee's jaw and neck, the other the small of her back. Avery pulled with her hands and her mouth, drawing Fiona completely in.

Avery's mouth felt familiar and tasted like love. Their bodies pressing into each other, a fresh wave of emotion and tears overwhelmed Fiona. Avery continued to deepen the connection, taking every little bit of time and space Fiona would allow. As she broke for air she leaned into Fiona, their foreheads touching she whispered urgently.

"Fee, please ..."

"Please forgive me ..."

"Baby..."

Fiona's mind spun, she heard Avery's pleas her body was on fire at the gentle touch and familiar taste of Avery's mouth. Fee could only offer a strained whimper of acknowledgement.

Avery pulled away, wiping gently the remaining tears from Fiona's face and gently kissing her eyelids and the ridge of her eyebrow. Avery folded Fiona completely up in her arms and whispered softly through her hair and into her ear. "Please. Fiona. I'll come back for you everyday. I can't be without you anymore."

"Avery." Fiona's breath was ragged, she lifted her lips to Avery's neckline pressing in gently. She placed light kisses on her flesh, "I've wanted you back so desperately."

"You have me Fiona."