33

Five days in a hospital that were uncomfortable and awkward. Thankfully, I'll be able to leave soon. If I have to stay here another week with these three, I'll jump out the window.

I traced the ceiling tiles with my eyes while Caroline argued with Stefan about whatever. I lost track of the subject five tiles ago.

"Can you two argue somewhere else?" I looked at them. "It's really annoying, and I'm not allowed to leave, so..."

Caroline sighed, "Sorry." She stood up, and Stefan followed her out of the room.

I looked at the ceiling again. Kai's silence made me feel disturbed. He hasn't spoken since I woke up, and it was only to ask if I needed anything. The sound of the dripping IV made my skin crawl; it only reminded me of that dingy place.

"You okay?"

"Mhm." I looked at him. His head was leaned to the side. "You don't have to stay. I'm sure you have other things to do."

He pushed himself to sit up. "I don't. And I'm not leaving until you do."

I tilted my head. "Why?"

"Because I'm the..." He shook his head once. "Can't you just go back to sleep or something?"

I rolled my eyes and looked at the ceiling. "I wish. Unfortunately I have to be aware that you're watching me. Can't you watch me from outside the room?"

"Sure. But I prefer being beside you."

I sat up, whining in pain. I looked at him. He was on the edge of his seat. "Get out. You've been here too long, and I hate it. I'll make Caroline call you when I want you. You're going insane here, and it's not helping me. So please go."

He sighed, a pained look on his face. "How am I supposed to know you're okay?"

"You always know anyway, which is freaky, by the way." I could see the debate in his mind. I tilted my head, "I appreciate your concern and your presence, but I want to be alone. I can't process this unless I'm not."

He stared at me, unmoved, for a minute or two. "Fine. But I'm coming back." He stood up.

I stared up at him. "When you're stable."

He tilted his head, "So never."

I smiled, "Exactly."

He stared at my lips for a few seconds. A contented look covered his face. His hand brushed mine as he walked away. The doctor nodded to him as they passed.

She smiled as she walked over. She was hugging the clipboard to her body. "How are you feeling today, Evelyn?"

I sat back and twisted my pointer finger with my other hand. "I don't know. I haven't had time to think about it."

She nodded as she sat the clipboard on the rolling table. She glanced between the machines and her clipboard, writing down between each look. "Well, you seem to be recovering excellently."

"Mm." I looked down at my hands.

"What's that?"

I shook my head. "It just doesn't feel like it." I looked up at her.

She nodded. "That's natural with all traumas, unfortunately. You won't feel like yourself for a while. That's the case with most patients, sadly. I could recommend you to a therapist if you feel that would help?"

"No. I don't think so."

"That's okay. If you change your mind, just let me know." She nodded. She wrote down something else. She stared at her chart as she talked, "Now, I never discussed the extent of your injuries with you." She looked up at me.

I furrowed my brows, "The extent of my injuries?"

"Yes." She abandoned the table and walked over to me. She kept her distance but stayed close. "This will be hard for you to digest, and it will take a while, but there's nothing to be ashamed of. Especially asking for help."

I shook my head as I sat up further. "I don't understand."

She sighed. "Were you aware that you were pregnant?"

I couldn't understand what she was saying. "I'm sorry." I laughed breathily. "I don't..." I cleared my throat. "What?"

"During surgery, there were complications. The stress you were under got to your body. It, um," her breath caught in her throat. She cleared her throat. "It caused you to lose the baby."

I felt a lump in my throat. "I didn't even..." I inhaled sharply. "I didn't even have a chance to have the baby."

She glanced down at her shoes. "I'm very sorry, Evelyn." She looked at me again. "I wish there was something we could've done."

I felt empty. The tears in my eyes felt abnormal. But I've been crying for weeks. How is this different?

"We tested further, and the results were..." She swallowed. "Your body isn't fit to host a child. So, it's unlikely that you'll be able to carry out any pregnancy."

I bit down on my tongue. I swallowed the lump in my throat. "Okay." I breathed out slowly as I looked down at my hands.

I felt her hand on my shoulder. "With the speed of your recovery, you're able to leave today. If you'd like."

I opened my eyes and looked up at her. "Thank you." I nodded, forcing a smile on my face.

The next words out of her mouth were silent to me. I couldn't hear anything except the thoughts in my own mind. I'm hostile and incapable of love. The sum of it all.

Before she left the room, she removed the IV from my arm.

I moved out of bed. I grabbed clothes from the bag Caroline had brought me and took them to the bathroom. I shut the door. Unfortunately, there's no lock. I replaced the clothes on my body with the ones in my hand: leggings, a bra, and a t-shirt.

The clothes were dark. Suddenly, it felt like I was dressing for a funeral.

I couldn't silence the thoughts in my head. I could barely stand anymore. I walked out of the bathroom. I pulled my shoes on. I grabbed my phone and put it on the bed. I grabbed the jacket out of the bag. I stared at it for a minute. Kai's jacket. How did it get in here? I pulled it on, disregarding the resentful thoughts toward him.

I took a minute to breathe to calm myself. I wiped at my cheeks and then pushed my hair behind my ears. I kept my hands at the sides of my face as I took deep breaths. The smell of him was on the jacket. It only filled me with more tears.

I hate crying.

"Ev." Caroline's voice was soft.

I wiped at my face before grabbing my phone and turning to her. "Yeah?"

She walked a few steps closer, slowly. "What are you doing?"

"Leaving. The doctor said I could." I smiled. "Can we go?"

There was a timid look on her face. "Are you sure we should?"

I breathed out shakily. "Mhm." I swallowed then nodded. "I'm ready to go."

She stepped closer, "What's wrong?"

"I don't want to talk about it." I forced the smile to stay on my face. "Can we just go?" My voice caught in my throat.

She closed the distance between us, wrapping her arms around me. I wrapped my arms around her neck, closing my eyes. She held me tightly. "It's okay, Evelyn."

I gasped for air. My lungs were being swallowed by sadness and grief. I'm grieving something I barely even grasped.

"I know."

Somehow, her knowing made everything seem easier. Sure, she can't understand it, but she'll fight like hell to try.

...

"Are you sure I can't get you something to eat?"

I was curled up on my side, my hands tucked against my chest as I stared at the door. She's asked me to eat something three times today. She called Kai to come over yesterday, but I wouldn't let him in. I feel like seeing him will make this worse for me. And I hate it. His jacket isn't even close to how much I want of him. He didn't leave after I objected to his presence. He's just stayed out of my room.

"It's getting really late, and you haven't eaten."

"I'm not hungry." My words are barely a whisper.

"Evelyn." It's a worried statement that slips from her lips. It's a cry for help, for me to take care of myself or to let her do it for me.

"I don't want anything, Caroline. Just leave me here for a while."

"Evvy." The tears in her voice made me feel sick.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and closed my eyes.

After a few minutes, she walked out like I'd begged her to.

I didn't go to sleep. The last time I slept, I woke up crying from the nightmare. I won't let it happen again.

...

Three days without sleeping is like losing your mind, but faster.

I stared at the door. The shadows underneath it, actually. I'm sitting criss-cross on the bed, picking at the skin around my nails to try and calm my nerves.

A faint crying fills my ears. I have to remind myself it's not real. I close my eyes to try and stop it. It doesn't help.

The crying feels louder now. A sob escapes my throat. I open my eyes and get off the bed. I searched around my room for the crying baby. First, the bathroom, then the closet, then under the bed. I stop in the middle of the room and look around. It's not here. I feel helpless and insane. The tears running down my face could fill a pool. My stomach turns as the crying gets louder.

I close my eyes as I sink to the floor, leaning back against the bed. I covered my eyes with my hands, gasping for air.

"Please stop." I dug my hands into my eyes.

"Hey, I'm here, baby." I felt hands on my wrists, pulling my hands down. "Open your eyes, Evelyn."

"Make it stop!"

"Make what stop?"

"The crying." I started hyperventilating.

"Open your eyes. Look at me."

I could barely hear him over the crying. I opened my eyes and looked at Kai. The look on his face made me feel bad. "Make it stop, please."

He moved to sit next to me. He wrapped his arm around me, covering my ear with his hand and holding me against him. He wiped the tears off of my cheeks with his other hand and then held my hand. I shut my eyes tightly. The baby's crying went silent. Mine went slowly.

His cheek was pressed against the top of my head. He was touching me, and I wasn't going ballistic. He actually felt safe. I relished the feeling. I moved my hand to the one covering my ear, pulling it away. I lifted my head and looked at him. I swallowed the lump in my throat.

I waited for the words to come to me, but they never did.

"It's okay," he whispered. He squeezed my hand gently.

He leaned closer, pressing his lips to my forehead. I closed my eyes and leaned into him. The feeling of his lips against my skin made me feel ignited. Alive. Every part of me felt awake.

He withdrew his lips from my skin. I tilted my head back and put my hand at the side of his face, pulling him close again. I hesitated to kiss him. The thoughts of what it could lead to or not lead to made my heart pound. The feeling of his lips just next to mine sent chills through my entire body.

I pressed my lips against his, kissing him softly. After a moment of shock, he reciprocated with just as much need. His hand gripped my arm. I slid my hand lower, letting just my fingertips rest against his face.

I pulled back from the kiss to catch my breath. He opened his eyes after a few seconds. He clamped his mouth shut. His brows were pulled together as he stared at my lips. I couldn't tell what he was thinking or if he liked it.

"Sorry." I breathed out slowly.

He shook his head once. "Mm-mm." He looked into my eyes. "Don't- Don't apologize for that."

Relief flooded through my body. "Okay," I responded after a minute.

I pulled my hand away from his face, moving it to my lap. I was left with an unresolved feeling in my body. I looked at our hands intertwined against my legs.

"You're not going to tell me I'm crazy, right?"

"No. I think everyone's crazy, just in their own way. Just because you're hearing things it doesn't make you any more crazy than the rest of us."

"Yeah, it just makes me schizophrenic."

"Not necessarily. This could just be a trauma thing. Or a not sleeping thing."

I looked at him. "You have got to stop watching me. It's creepy and stalkerish."

"And fun."

I hit my hand against his chest. "Not funny. Would you like it if someone was constantly watching you?"

"Depends. Would it be you? Because if so -"

I tilted my head, "Kai."

"Yeah, baby?"

My breath caught in my throat. His quick, low toned response caught me off guard.

"I just think you should get some sleep. I don't think, actually. I know you should."

I stared at him for a minute before looking at our hands. I didn't know how to admit to him that sleeping was worse than going insane.

"I'll stay with you if you want."

I felt my heart skip. "You don't have to."

He sighed. He pulled away from me and stood up. I looked up to see him hold his hands out to me. I stared at his hands for a minute, unsure of what to do.

I put my hands in his, and he pulled me to my feet. I stumbled a step forward but caught myself. I pulled my hands away and took a step back.

He looked down as a smirk formed on his lips. I found it annoying. "What?"

He looked up at me, pressing his lips together. He stifled a laugh, clearing his throat. "Sorry." He shook his head once. "You'll kick me out if I say it."

I tilted my head. "I'll kick you out if you don't."

He sighed as he stepped closer. "You just look really cute in my clothes."

The jacket. "Feel free to jump out the window."

I started to turn, and he put his hands on my upper arms, turning me to face him as he stepped closer, "I'm kidding." He tilted his head. "I'm not, but I just..." He shook his head. He walked me back to the bed and sat me down. He pulled his hands away and stepped back. "Lay down."

Too exhausted to argue with him, I laid down, moving under the blanket and getting comfortable. He laid next to me. I stared at the ceiling, trying to calm my racing heart. We haven't laid together in a while. We haven't kissed in a while either. A smile started to turn up the corners of my lips.

"What's that for?"

The more I thought about it, the giddier I became. I'm wearing his jacket. He was holding me. He's lying in bed with me. I put my hands over my face, muffling my laughter. I rolled toward him, putting my hand on his chest. I pushed myself up on my arm and stared down at him. I breathed out slowly.

The soft look on his face made me feel lighter. How could he switch my feelings so quickly?

I opened my mouth to speak, but I could only laugh. I collapsed onto the bed, burying my face into the pillow. After my laughing fit was over, I rolled to face him. I kept my hands under my pillow.

"Goodnight, Evelyn," he said with a smile.

I let the smile on his face settle in me. "Goodnight." I stared at him for a little longer.

...

The weight of his stare was making me feel nervous. I looked up at him from the couch. He didn't look away. He instead looked into my eyes.

His phone ringing this morning woke me up. It was Caroline saying she's stuck at Stefan's until tomorrow. Why couldn't she call me? Not a clue in the world.

"Is staring at me for long periods of time your thing now?"

"So, I'm not allowed to look at you now?"

I tilted my head, "Not like that."

The fleeting smirk on his face didn't go unnoticed. "Like what?"

I looked away from him, "Don't flirt with me." Silence filled the moment that passed between us.

I felt him move closer. "Are we going to talk about last night? Because I'd really like to."

"Last night?"

"Mhm. You kissed me and-"

I laughed nervously, "I remember." I nodded, "I just don't feel like we have to talk about it."

"Why?"

"Because it didn't -" I sighed. I looked at him. "It was just a kiss."

A smile was plastered on his lips as he stared at mine. "Are you sure about that?"

I laughed and put my hand at the side of his face and pushed him away. "You read into things."

He grabbed my hand and turned to face me again. "To be fair, we used to have a really sexual relationship."

I tilted my head, "Well, now we don't."

"So you admit we have a relationship?"

I pulled my hand away, "You just don't know when to stop, do you?"

"Tell me to stop, and I will."

He would do anything I told him to do. Except leave me alone. I wouldn't ask him to do that, though. For some reason, it seems like an impossible task.

The front door opened. I looked over to see Caroline walk in, followed by Elena and Bonnie. I stood up as she walked over. I took a step forward, but no further because her arms were around me, squeezing the breath out of me. I pat my hand against her back.

"I'm okay, Caroline."

She sighed. "Good." She pulled back and looked at Kai. "Hi."

I looked at him. He was beside me now. "Hi," he responded. I looked down at the floor as I crossed my arms. It got quiet.

"I'm... interrupting."

I looked at her. Before I could speak, Kai did. "No. I was just leaving." I looked at him. For some reason, I felt hurt. He looked at me, "I'll see you later."

The breath in my throat was expelled. "Yeah."

His eyes flicked to my lips before looking at the ground. He looked up as he walked toward the door. I heard the door shut and looked at Caroline. Her lips were pressed together as she suppressed a smile.

I tilted my head, "Don't start."

She shook her head, "I didn't say anything." A quiet laugh slipped past her lips.

I uncrossed my arms, "I'm going to my room."

I started to walk past her, and she grabbed my arm, "Come on, Ev. Hang out with us."

I looked at Bonnie and Elena, then Caroline. Her eyes were wide as she begged. I tilted my head, "Fine."

She smiled and pulled me back onto the couch. Bonnie and Elena walked over and sat around the living room.

...

I stared at my phone on the kitchen table.

"Why don't you just call him?" Stefan's question made me want to pick up a chair and smash it over his head.

I didn't waste my energy looking at him. "Caroline."

She walked over and sat next to Stefan. "Because she wasn't the one who said she would talk to him. He said he would talk to her. Calling him is a sign of desperation. Have you not been paying attention?"

"Not that closely."

Neither of them spoke for a minute. Caroline reached out and grabbed my phone. I lifted my head off of my crossed arms and looked at her. "What are you doing?"

"You look like a sad puppy." She put my phone in her back pocket. "It's depressing."

I tilted my head, "You wanna know what's depressing? Him."

"Are you two together again? Am I missing something?"

I looked at Stefan. "Shut up." I looked at Caroline. "Give it back."

"No. Not until you stop moping. He will call you when he wants to."

"You mean when he wants me again?"

She tilted her head, "That's not what I said or meant. He's really busy, Evelyn. Keeping you out of the most complicated part of his life. That's what he said."

"Yeah, but why did he tell you and not me?"

"He didn't want to worry you."

"I'm not worried. I'm bored."

"Why don't you do something?"

I looked at Stefan. "Why are you even here?"

"I thought you liked me."

"That was a while ago. You need to pay attention."

He sat up straighter. "I have been paying attention, and from what I gather, it seems like you like Kai."

"Where did you get that idea?"

He glanced at Caroline before answering. "From everything you've said. From the way you're acting. You're literally waiting by the phone for him to call. You're complaining about not being with him -"

I put my hand up, "Hearsay." I looked at Caroline. "Tell your boyfriend to leave or at least get out of the conversation."

She flashed a look at Stefan before leaning closer. "I'm not saying you like him, but you have been a little clingier than you usually are. You're closer to him than before. He was practically your favorite thing to hate like two months ago. After he left a few days ago, you acted really differently. Did something happen between you two?"

I furrowed my brows, "Like what?"

"Did he say something to you," Stefan asked.

"Something that could change the dynamic between you two, perhaps," Caroline offered.

I laughed wryly. "What are you suggesting? Like a confession?"

They glanced at each other. "Possibly," Caroline answered.

I stared at her. There was something she wanted to say. Her brows were furrowed. Her lips were pressed together tightly. Her jaw was tight. "You know something."

She shook her head once, "What could I possibly know that you don't?"

"I don't know. I was gone for an entire month. You two could've had plenty of correspondence during that time. What do you know?" The possibilities of what they talked about ran rampant in my mind. Nothing was mild or calm.

"I don't know anything. But something obviously happened between you two. What was it?"

I looked between the two of them, struggling to hold in my thoughts. I uncrossed my arms and sat up straight. "I kissed him."

"You..." Caroline's words escaped her. "What?"

"When?"

I looked down at the table, then at them. "It was the night before he left. I... It was late. Nothing else happened. We just went to sleep. We talked about it. It didn't mean anything. It was just a kiss."

"Right," Caroline scoffed. "Nothing is just anything for you two."

I tilted my head, "Yes, it is."

"Then call him."

I looked at Stefan. "What?"

"Call him. It's just a conversation, right?"

I imagined a knife going through his head. There was a knock on the front door. I got up before either of them could. "I'll get it." I left the room. I opened the door to see Kai. I drew a short breath.

"Hey."

"Hey."

His brows were knitted together. "You okay?"

I shook my head, "Mhm." I swallowed the nervousness in my voice. "Fine." I started to open the door further but stopped. "We can talk outside."

He looked even more confused. "W- Okay." He took a few steps back, and I pulled the door shut as I stepped out.

I crossed my arms, keeping a few feet of space between us. "You're here. You haven't been here - or talked to me - in a week. But you're here."

"Right." He sighed. "I meant to talk to you, but I didn't want to bring you into it. I mean, the last time was... Anyway, I'm sorry."

I shook my head, "Where were you?"

He put his hands in his pockets. "I had to go to Portland."

"Why?" The rage that shot through my body was frustrating.

He tilted his head, "You're asking a lot of questions."

"And you're trying not to answer them."

"I don't want to bring you into this."

I furrowed my eyebrows, "By telling me why you haven't even bothered to text me for a week?"

"It's complicated -"

"It's not! You were here, and then you weren't. And now you're not telling me why. That seems pretty simple to me."

He pulled his hands out of his pockets. "Baby, please, just listen."

I tilted my head, "You don't get to call me that."

He sighed. "Just listen to me."

I shook my head. I turned to walk back inside. I felt his hand on my arm, and he turned me to face him. I stared at his hand on my skin, feeling his touch through my entire body.

"Please," he whispered.

His hot breath fanned my cheek, making a chill spread across my body. I looked up to meet his gaze. His face was inches from mine, making it hard to breathe. His eyes were focused on mine. His brows were close together. The pleading look on his face made me feel weak.

He leaned closer, his lips next to my ear. "I had to go to keep them from getting to you. They've been watching everything I do, and they know that you're the one thing I can't let go of. They're going to come after you to get to me, which is why I have to stay away from you."

The anger had morphed into sadness, resonating in my chest. His other hand brushed against mine as he moved it to the side of my face. He pulled his head back and stared at me. His eyes moved to every inch of my face, making sure to take in every part. He looked into my eyes as his other hand came up to the side of my face. His jaw tightened.

"Go back to hating me."

I moved my hands to his. "Kai."

He tilted his head. "Please, baby. I need you -" A quiet sigh escaped his lips. "I can't be here for you anymore. For a while." His brows pinched together, then relaxed. A small smile broke out across his lips. "I'll figure this out." He nodded.

"I don't understand."

He stepped closer, pulling my body to his. "It will be okay, baby."

I wrapped my hands around his wrists. "Just talk to me."

He shook his head once. A shaky breath passed his lips. "I have to go."

A cry crawled up my throat. "Please." I don't know what I'm begging for, but it feels appropriate.

He leaned closer, pressing his lips to mine. Before I could kiss back, he was off of me. I opened my eyes and he was gone. I gasped softly. I moved to the bottom step of the porch. I grabbed the banister for support. I swallowed the lump in my throat.

I heard the door open. "Evelyn?"

I turned and walked to Caroline. "Give me my phone."

"Why are you crying? Who-"

"Caroline, now."

She grabbed my phone and handed it to me. I walked back into the house as I called him. I made my way up to my room. I called four more times, getting his voicemail each time.

What is wrong with him?

I know he explained everything, but it wasn't a reasonable explanation. He's doing this to protect me. I don't see how that's his decision to make. My safety is my concern and mine only. Not his. Where does he get off kissing me then running away? This entire situation is just his admittance to his fear of intimacy.

I turned and threw my phone at the wall. I let go of the breath I was holding. My eyes moved to Caroline and Stefan, who were standing at my door. The heat drained from my body. Everything felt dark somehow.