33: crumbling

Nila stretched her arm up and climbed down the stairs. She could smell incense and camphor from the puja room and the sound of bells as her father prayed. She yawned and beelined for the dining room, sneaking up behind her mother and finding out what was for breakfast. "Idiyappam?" she asked excitedly, making her mother jump and turn around.

"Don't surprise me like that!" she told, ladle in hand. "Thank God you woke up by yourself. I was just planning on coming upstairs to wake you up."

"I was hungry," she said sheepishly. "Is it ready? Can I have it?"

Her mother smiled. "Wait for two minutes. Do you want your coffee?"

"Yes," she said, seating herself on the dining seat. Her father emerged out of the puja room and looked at her surprised.

"How come you're up early?"

"Why is everyone asking me that question? I can wake up early, you know," Nila said. Nila's father ruffled her hair before seating himself across her. Her mother gave their coffees and went back to stirring the curry.

"Only yesterday your mother and I were worried you were not acting normally. You seemed down and you always seemed to be sleeping in your room. We asked your sister to talk to you and find out what was happening since you wouldn't tell us. I'm glad you're okay now," her father said, sipping his coffee.

Nila knew that they were worried. That was the reason she forced herself to be up and about this early in the morning during holidays. And she also knew that her parents wouldn't be able to see through her act that she'd been perfecting for years together. They wouldn't doubt a thing if she was a perfect little daughter. They wouldn't even bother to ask her if she was okay. But the problem now was that they'd already contacted her sister. Nila had spoken to her sister just two days back and even though she nagged her about why her voice was so low, Nila hadn't betrayed anything. Now her parents had gone and confirmed her sister's suspicions.

And Kayal was fierce when she set her mind to something. She'd pry information from her if it was the last thing she did. Nila felt nervous. Suddenly, the coffee tasted bitter.

"I'm okay. I was just sleepy after so many days of internship. I think I needed a week to catch up," she said. "I'm feeling good. I'm back to normal. I'm sorry I made you guys worry."

Nila returned a forced smile for her parents.

"You mentioned you have to compile reports for your internship. Have you started it?" her father asked.

"I will be starting it today."

"Finish it early so that you have time to revise it and improve it. Your sister never wasted a single day of her vacation. She'd immediately start her projects or go over next year's syllabus. She was always keeping herself busy and that's why she's at a top company which grants her more than 6 months of paid maternity leave."

Nila glanced at her mug. "Yes, I'll keep that in mind, Pa."

Whenever her parents began making these kinds of remarks in the past one week, Nila thought of Vijay and imagined how angry he'd be if he heard anyone treat her this way. And she wanted to cry each time. It was strange because Nila had been hearing the same thing all her life and she thought she had gotten used to it. But after Vijay, even a little bit of disrespect towards her hurt. It stirred up a storm of emotions in her. And that just showed her how for the first time in her life someone had treated her like she deserved to be.

She missed Vijay so much. She missed him every second.

And with each day in her house, she began second-guessing if she made the right decision. If she was capable of upholding that decision without sacrificing the piece of happiness she'd finally found. But it also felt unfair to go back on her words because she did it to protect Vijay. Never ever would she wish for him to be let down by her after leading him on. It was better to end their relationship when it was in the early stages.

But then again, sometimes it felt like it was too late. That Nila and Vijay had already gotten too deep.

"Breakfast is ready," her mother said, placing the hot box of hot steaming Idiyappam on the dining table.

Nila finished the last bit of her coffee and stood up. "I think I'll have breakfast a little later, Ma. The coffee made me full." She placed the empty mug in the sink.

"Are you sure? It'll be nice if you eat while it's hot," her mother said.

"No, I'll eat later," she said quickly and disappeared back into her room. She shut the door quietly and sprawled over her bed, picking up her phone. As she expected, there were messages from Vijay. He'd been sending them every day, updating her about his day without fail. Sometimes he'd send her pictures of him, of Krish and even once with Farah and Aadil. He'd mentioned that Farah told him that she missed talking to her, making Nila feel guilty for not picking up Farah's calls or Krish's. She didn't know why but she was scared she would pick up and end up hearing Vijay's voice. Everything she'd endured for the past few days would come crumbling down at the sound of his voice.

Nila read the messages every day but never replied to them. Every day she woke up half-anxious about receiving those messages but also half-afraid they would one day they would stop coming. She felt foolish, feeling confused and torn between two sides --- the right thing to do and the thing she wanted to do. Sighing, she opened today's messages.

Good morning, silver

Planned to go to the beach today but the thought of going there without you is just depressing.

Went to the pool with Krish's little brother tho.

He had attached a picture that was quite daring of him to send her when they were supposed to be broken up. Vijay was shirtless and water droplets dotted his lean and taut muscles. A teen lanky boy was behind him smiling at the camera next to whom, Krish stood with an exhausted look on his face. But Nila's eyes were fixated on the little mark on the left side of Vijay's chest. She zoomed in the picture and something ugly festered in her heart. The mark resembled a hickey.

What the fuck?

She studied it for a while, zooming in and out, looking at the mark from all angles and it seemed like a hickey from all directions.

How dare he?

Even Nila had given him a hickey only once. After Farah's wedding, Nila and Vijay had headed off early to the flat because exhaustion had caught up to her. Vijay had carried her heels in his hands and given her his shoes in exchange, holding her by her wrist in case she tripped because of the shoe's bigger size. And when they'd reached the apartment, they'd changed out of their clothes and accidentally got caught up in each other next to the refrigerator. No one could blame Nila because Vijay had looked like sin and temptation the entire evening. She could only resist so much.

It had been only around two weeks since they stopped talking to each other and he was already fooling around with someone else? Whatever happened to his declaration of love and promises?

Fury and jealousy consumed Nila. The keyboard popped up on her phone and she typed away.

I can't believe you. I know I asked to break up but so soon? You went to another girl so soon? Can't you even wait a month? And sending me a picture of the hickey! What are you trying to accomplish? Why are you even bothering to send me these messages everyday when there are women standing in line for you?

Nila sent the message without thinking and when she read it again, she paused and wondered if she fell into another one of his traps. What if he was faking it to get her to text him back? Vijay was troublesome and she wouldn't put it past him. She knew he had a lot of dirty tricks up his sleeve but he was holding back on using them on her.

She went ahead to delete the message but the double tick turned blue.

Fuck.

The small line under his name said Typing... and Nila cursed herself. She'd been too hasty. Dammit. She wasn't supposed to be talking to him at all.

wow

now you talk to me

just to accuse me of something that's not even true

it's not like that

day before yesterday it was too humid during practice

i removed my shirt

i think some insect must have bit me. It was red that day but it has faded now

do you really think I'm capable of looking at another woman who's not you let alone let her lips come anywhere me? is that how  low you think of me?

Shame stung Nila. She shouldn't have doubted him. She had no right to do that after she'd seen-zoned his messages for two weeks. She didn't know what to tell him except that she was sorry.

i'm sorry. i didn't think it through. i shouldn't have assumed.

forget i said anything

how are you silver?

Nila closed her eyes. She was hoping he wouldn't do this. But she was also not surprised. Nila shouldn't be texting him at all but it would be rude to not answer his question. Maybe she could allow it this one time.

i'm okay. ish.

Nila watched Vijay typing for so long but in the end all that came was an okay, good to know. She was almost disappointed. She clearly shouldn't be. Nila had no right to be this selfish and unreasonable but the truth was she didn't know how to feel. It felt like her heart and brain were at war, so close to tearing each other apart. She desperately needed some form of clarity, some sort of relief.

Nila hadn't told her sister about anything as well. She had been avoiding that conversation steadily but the significance of her action was creeping up on her. She didn't want what happened with Vijay to repeat again and cause some misunderstanding with her sister. And Kayal deserved to hear it from her. It was the least she could do. Nila was at so much fault but she was also scared of taking a step towards the right path.

It felt like everything was crumbling around her.

She sighed and dropped her phone on her bed.

Suddenly, Nila felt like she was fighting this battle alone. She felt lonely. She was cold. She wanted warmth.

She knew Vijay would happily let her lean on him but she couldn't afford to.

God, she missed him. Every day she'd spend the hours before bed staring at their pictures and reading their old chats and just wishing they were in an alternate universe where love was free and cageless.

A ping came from her phone.

It was another message from Vijay.

Her hands trembled when she realised it was a voice message. She had been avoiding hearing his voice all this time. She shouldn't listen to it. It was dangerous. Her finger hovered around the message for a while but curiosity pulled her under.

She clicked it.

Vijay's gentle but brittle voice alone felt like his warm and sturdy arms  were wrapping around her, holding her close. "Nila, you are pretty and I miss you every day."

Nila sobbed.

And sobbed.

And sobbed.